Around the world in 300 days...

MOVED this BLOG! :)

2007-01-31T22:07:00.000-05:00

We've moved! Keep up with Gracie at http://blog.gingerblue.com - you will be automatically redirected there in about ten seconds, or you can click the link.

napping is blissful

2006-08-15T00:26:00.000-04:00

Like the freckles? I know I have a lot of them, but it always shocks me when I see photos of myself. This was taken the morning before we moved. Can I just tell you that teething is ABSOLUTELY the work of Satan? Cupcake is having a really hard time with it. My mom graciously asked us if she could please take Miss Grace home for the afternoon/evening when she stopped by today. I almost fell down in gratitude. I really wanted to take that time to work, but I decided to take a "nap" instead. Seven hours later, here I am, and I am ready to go back to bed. I just looked in the mirror and it's the first time since June that I haven't had black circles under my eyes. I love sleep. In addition to a new house and a new baby, we also adopted a new kitty. Ginger has been at the shelter for several months, and we fell in love with her right affter she arrived, She was very very sick and Animal Control was going to euthanize her and her kittens, but our shelter took them in and managed to bring them back to health. The kittens have gone to GREAT homes, and Ginger has been waiting for us to finish the house so she could be part of our family. The other two cats are still trying to figure out why this new house came with a cat and if they like that or not. I hope they all figure things out soon. I want all the kitties to be happy. Ginger has become Cupcake's kitty- she's the only one of the three that lets Grace pull on her tail and ears and fur. We don't condone that, but "gentle baby, be nice to kitty" only lasts so long and then Cupcake sneaks a grab in. Ginger seems to love her more for it. ----- As usual, I just have had no time to read or answer email and I apologize. With the baby and the new house and trying to get back to work. I work in the home, so not a tremendous deal, but getting anything done besides keeping Cupcake happy and the house still standing seems impossible right now. Every time I sit down to work, the baby needs me or my parents stop by and need me or whatever. So nothing happens. Anyway, most of my emails from this blog consist of questions about our adoption experience and asking if we liked our agency. So I thought I would post a quick answer instead of completely unhelpful: Yes, we absolutely love our agency. I think there are a few good agencies out there, doing ethical adoptions. But as long as VORF is working in Vietnam, I would never consider another agency. When we switched agencies a few months ago, VORF literally saved our adoption. They walked us through completing a new dossier in just a matter of days, and helped us catch up and make up for the months we wasted in limbo with the other agency. Our referral came almost instantly, and travel three months later. While things have significantly slowed down because of the sudden popularity of Vietnam adoptions, VORF still has one of the fastest turn-around times as far as agencies doing true ethical adoptions. It seems like one way you can tell if an agency is decent or not is how long their delays are. The better agencies are taking their time to do things properly. It's miserable for waiting parents, but the way it's really supposed to be. Clearly, we have been blessed with an amazing, beautiful little girl. I can't believe how quickly this happened, and how incredibly LUCKY we are to have been matched with Cupcake. I thank God, and thank VORF and Vietnam for this every single day. There's a lot of controversial stuff happening now in Vietnamese adoption. The truth is, rules are sort of up in the air. Tom went through a lot of government appointments and meetings in order to be able to bring Cupcake home and the government was very careful in reviewing everything before they granted permission for her to leave the country, so I'm not sure how some things are happening so speedy for some agencies. VORF does every single thing in accordance with Vietnam rules, but they still get fast referrals and decent travel dates. The travel itself was just perfection- there was not a SINGLE snag in the whole process. No delays in country, no suspicious government waits or dealings in the middle of the night. Bottom line is that no adoption is perfect and there are snags regardless of how great any agency is. You'll hear good and bad things about every agency. But decide on your realistic expectations on your adoption and weigh the agency pros and cons on that. Don't get seduced by stories of instant parenthood- when we came into this we were hoping Cupcake would be home by Christmas, 2006. We got a little crazy with the promises of our previous agency of a baby by April. I tried to remember that I never expected this adoption to go faster than a pregnancy before I started the process. It wasn't much help, but it puts things into perspective. Remember this is a long, grueling, emotional, and complicated process no matter what agency you work with. There are no miracle agencies. Just miracle babies :) If you have any specific questions, let me know. I will try and reply within the next century. So sorry about this very impersonal reply. Bed, bed, while no monitor buzzes and crackles with the sound of a teething baby.

back, finally!

2006-08-13T17:28:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the extended silence- did you miss us? We have a good excuse, though- Tom, Cupcake, and I *finally* moved into our new house. We just got the internet up just a few days ago. It's been hectic to say the least, but we are SERIOUSLY enjoying our spacious new digs, and Cupcake and I are loving our new pool. I take her swimming every morning either before or after I do my two miles (having my own pool is so blissful, I cannot even begin to describe what it's like!) If only I could find some sort of swimmies or float thing for her- all the ones we've tried don't hold her up or tip her forward. She has a very bad habit of opening her mouth wide and drinking the pool water. Tons of it. So if she goes forward, or her chin is anywhere near water, she gulps it like crazy and winds up inhaling it. The good news is that since we moved we are finally starting to get into a daily routine. Every day it shapes up a little more. Mornings have gotten infinitely better, although I will admit that I desperately miss my old mornings, where I had an hour ALL MY OWN to get up, get ready, read a bit without being tugged on, screamed at, or having food flung at me. But as long as Cupcake gets her cereal and veggies and then gets her Ritz crackers while she watches the Backyardigans (tv show), she's okay and I get about 15 minutes to myself. I guess I'm just not the kind of mom who rushes to see her baby's smiling face right after waking up- I'm always excited if I get a few seconds to myself. I still find being a mom very challenging sometimes... The Backyardigans are like crack to her- no matter what's going on, how she's feeling, what she wants, when she hears that theme song her head snaps around so fast you can hear the wind rush. We didn't have cable for a week or so after we moved, so we wound up watching the two episodes we had on the TiVo about 100 times. To the show's advantage, while we got sick of the two episodes, we were still tolerating them when the cable was installed. So thumbs up for Backyardigans. Sesame Street, Arthur, and The Koala Brothers (is that what it's called, that show where the two Austrlian koalas motor around on their plane, looking for people to help?) also rank high. Cupcake despises Blues Clues (not too sad about that one, since that show creeps me out with its disembodied kids' voices...) and Dora. I'm definitely not trying to make her into a TV junkie, but in the last week we have had a million workmen in and out of the house taking care of the "punchlist", and because of the debris they left behind, the work they were doing, and the fact they propped the doors open, she wasn't allowed to be on the floor. And she doesn't tolerate being out of site. So watching TV helped keep her happy while swinging or stuck in the play yard. She definitely prefers crawling and destruction to sitting still and watching TV. This little girl hates dolls, instead loves plastic toys that light up and play music, with parts that come out. Which she then bangs on anything. Photos soon, as soon as my camera gets unpacked. These are from before we moved...

dispatch

2006-07-23T00:23:00.000-04:00

Exhausted. Enthralled. Will write more soon, as soon as I get used to being someone's mom. This is all so new and unexpected, this little new person who thinks by herself and makes decisions and has needs that only her dad and I can take care of. This little girl who practically gives herself whiplash turning her head so fast when we say her name. This little girl who is amazing and funny and sweet and perfect. Who smells like sunshine and happiness. Who feeds me Cheerios and then tries to take them back. Who loves cookies and all sorts of food and being hugged and held up in the air for "airplane" rides. Who loves to be loved, and gives back love so freely. I'll be honest- I'm NOT enjoying the lack of sleep, of the feeling of sleepwalking through parts of the day. The fact that she gets herself into a screaming crying panting frenzy when she's frustrated or needs something or if she wants to be picked up and we just CAN'T because we are peeing or taking boiling water off the stove for dinner or getting a bottle ready. The fact that we can't make those times any easier for her. The feeling like I am depriving her of so much by not being 100% all the time. (The overloaded diapers also take a lot of getting used to.) But I'm learning every second of every day. And am so grateful to her that she still smiles and appears to like me even though I'm bumbling quite a bit with this whole "mom" thing. p.s. got my camera back from the kind soul who foudn it at the airport. Will take and photos photos and videos soon.

It's Cupcake's world... I just live in it

2006-07-17T22:47:00.000-04:00

Quick update before I crash: Everything is going well. So much has changed, but it's not nearly as earth-shatteringly stressful as I imagined. of course, a gummy, drooly smile and giggle helps offset the stress a whole lot. When you are a parent, suddenly you stop dealing in weeks or days ahead, and you just function from hour to hour, minute to minute. The jetlag is still an issue- I'm trying very hard to keep up with Tom and Cupcake's sleeping habits but it's proving difficult. Both of them sleep whenever they feel tired, so it's all sort of sporadic. I try and sleep when they do, but it's like this: 1pm-3pm sleep, up from 3pm-10pm, nap from 10pm-2am, up from 2am-6am, sleep from 6am-4pm, etc. Without some sort of drug, I can't pull that off. So I spend most of the time when they are asleep getting things ready- making bottles, cleaning, ripping out pages from magazine for Cupcake to crumble. We started Cupcake on food-food, and she's fond of bananas and Cheerios. She still doesn't get the Cheerio thing- she likes to move them around the various trays she is attached to, and throw them at the cats, but other than that, she pretty much thinks of them as small toys. When we put one in her mouth, she acts very surprised and pleased. We took Cupcake in the pool yesterday, and after being initially irritated by the very bright sunlight and the fact she couldn't just swim off on her own, she was pleased. Bringing her to the pool was probably a mistake, though, because we found out today she still has a little bit of an ear infection left over from Vietnam, and needs ten more days of antibiotics. Oh well. She won't start her Olympic simming training just yet. While we were at the doctor's office, he talked to us about immunizations, and whether or not we wanted to re-do some of the shots. Some of them we have to do (MMR, etc.) and some of them she still hasn't received. It's a tough call. He's an adoptive father himself, so we appreciated his perspective. One thing that shocks me is that children are REQUIRED to have the chicken pox vaccine before starting school. What the heck? What ever happened to kids just getting chicken pox and that's that? Has chicken pox become a dangerous national epidemic since I was a kid? I didn't even HAVE chicken pox (not for lack of my mom trying), and I still don't think kids should have the vaccine. I mean, if you don't get them by the time you are 20, then by all means, get the vaccine. I did when I turned 21 because someone I worked with was very very ill from shingles, and my doctor was concerned I might get exposed through a chain reaction at the museum where I worked. But a kid? What ever happened to just getting stuff and letting that be the natural immunization? Are they going to have vaccinations for foot fungus next? Another thing is the TB vaccine that Cupcake received in Vietnam. It's pretty useless, and she'll ALWAYS test positive for TB now. TB is a pretty serious thing in my family cause my mom had it when she was a teenager, so we don't take it lightly. I hate the fact that Cupcake will have to have a chest x-ray done to rule it out in the future. Anyway... besides the trip to the doctor, we took Cupcake to visit the cat shelter Tom and I volunteer at. She was very interested. I have no intention of putting her to work quite yet, but I'd like to start taking her during our shifts so that she gets used to the environment and the animals. I'm hoping she'll love animals as much as we do, and want to help out when she'd old enough. We'll see. I'm off to spend some time with MY kitties, and then to bed.

Home with baby

2006-07-15T22:37:00.000-04:00

So Tom came home yesterday. With Cupcake. I'm sorry I haven't updated sooner, but it really is a round the clock job. Here's my entry from yesterday: I am completely in love. Oh my goodness! What a funny, sweet, beautiful little girl! And she SNORES, just like her dad! We got to the airport right as Tom's plane was landing (6am), so by the time we got up to security, he was walking towards the checkpoint. I got a few photos of him carrying Cupcake towards us, which was great. After they came within 20 feet, all bets were off. I pretty much dropped my camera in the baby bag and grabbed my daughter. She was cranky, but she looked at me and touched my face and babbled. She even smiled a tiny smile. I honestly wonder if she recognized me- before Tom left for Vietnam, I recorded several little videos of me on his Macbook with the built in webcam, and Tom played them for her several times a day. Regardless, she came right to me and was very observant. We headed to luggage and my mom and I went and changed Cupcake's diaper and Tom got his bags. And we headed home. Poor Cupcake is really teething, but even though she's in significant pain, she's such a good baby. She spent the car ride home playing peek-a-boo with me and laughing and babbling. She only lost it at the very end of the two hour car ride, which is pretty good considering she's been traveling for 36 hours. My mom started freaking out when Cupcake started crying, telling us to feed her and do something, even though Tom and I both agreed the baby had just HAD ENOUGH and just wanted to freak out a bit. I got a teething ring in her mouth and she settled down a little bit. However, she desperately wanted out of the car seat and she wanted to be held. There are no car seats in Vietnam, so she just couldn't understand why we wouldn't pick her up and comfort her, and why the hell she was strapped in that seat. I gotta admit, I was tempted to get her out and cuddle her, but visions of Britney Spears set me straight. After getting her up here in the condo, Cupcake made a MAJOR poopy. Just... wow. My only experience with other poopy is scooping litterboxes here and at the shelter, so diapers are a whole new thing. Yowsers. It sort of look like she manufactured mustard. It was somethin' else. This part I need to get used to. We bathed her, changed her, and put her down for a nap. She was cranky and overstimulated, so I lay (lie? Laid? whatever...) down on the floor next to the portable crib (in the bedroom) and she settled down. However, instead of napping, she came right to the side of the crib, pushed her head into the mesh side of the crib, and tried to make me laugh. She kept pushing her nose against it so it looked kinda like someone pushing their face into glass and smiling. I'd have my eyes closed and she'd say something, so I'd open my eyes and there she was, all funny faced and smiling. I tried hard not to respond but it really was incredibly funny because she was being very tricky about it, and it was just funny. I'd start laughing and she'd pretend to lay back down, get settled. The minute I closed my eyes, she did it again. In other really good news, the cats don't seem to be too upset. As soon as we got in, I went right over to Delilah and greeted her first, like I always do. I didn't want her to think we were suddenly not remembering her or neglecting one of our routines that we've had for 9 years. We made sure to pay EXCESS attention to her when we first got home- the minute she realized how cute Cupcake is, she started doing incredibly cute cat things (rolling around like a kitten, bringing toys over, etc.), and so we made sure to love and praise her. I really think that helped a lot, because Delilah showed no resentment and while she won't go near the baby yet, she stays very very close. I think Chester honestly does not understand what sort of WEIRD cat we brought home to him. When Cupcake first went down for the nap, he went into the room and sat by the crib and looked in at her, and she babbled to him for quite a while. The one bad thing: there are only a few photos, and only one of me with Cupcake at the airport. I was hoping both my parents would come into the airport and help record the event, but my father decided he'd rather circle around the airport in the car than park (*sigh*) and my mom was too busy trying to keep me off my feet in the airport (*bigger sigh*). I feel bad for being disappointed, but it would be nice if my family were not so set in their ways. I kinda hoped we would park in short term, walk across to the terminal, and meet Tom upstairs. Nope. Oh well. There's tons of photos to be taken, right? And as I was looking for the camera to download the photos, I couldn't find it. Luckily, some very kind soul found it at the airport, along with my mom's cellphone, and called us to get our address so he could send it. So not only are there not many photos, but I don't even have the camera. Oh well. Today was another long day, but I'll write about that tomorrow. Right now I am going to leap into bed while both Cupcake and Tom are sleeping. I suddenly understand SO MUCH about human behavior in people who have children- I now understand why my friends have made some of the choices they did. You just do the best you can, but I gotta admit, it doesn't feel like enough. One thing I will say- I had no idea what I was in for, and I still feel like we're playing house, and Cupcake will need to go back soon. It doesn't feel real at all. But the fact that she's this real live PERSON, and not just a face in a photo, is so tremendous. G'night!

11 hours and counting...

2006-07-13T19:02:00.000-04:00

11 hours until Cupcake time. The trip to the airport will take a little more than two hours, so... in a little bit I'm going to take something to help me sleep. I hope it works. I haven't been sleeping at all lately and tomorrow is going to be a LONG day. The terror stage has finally set in. Wow. I'm just scared and nervous and my heart is pumping and my stomach is flipping all over the place. I held it together for so long... wow.

travel update #7 - coming home

2006-07-12T20:41:00.000-04:00

So tired! Packing the condo is finally 90% done and tonight we are putting all Cupcake's stuff together for her brief stay here until we move into the house. Tom and Cupcake are officially on the first of many flights that will bring them home. In a little more than 24 hours, I will be meeting my daughter!! Okay, back to babyproofing. (tick tock!)

travel update #6 - photos!

2006-07-09T15:05:00.000-04:00

Okay, I am going to just come out and say it- I don't know when the heck I am going to be able to answer any email. I am SO overwhelmed right now, especially with the possibility of me moving to the new house tomorrow. So I wanted to thank everyone out there that's emailed me with congratulations and love for Cupcake. I've read every email, and formulated a response in my head- I just don't have energy or focus (or time!) to get it all down. I'm really sorry :( The most common email was a request for photos. I put them all up here. I update that page (and my Flickr account) every time Tom sends new photos. However, if you have any questions you still want me to answer, or want me to reply to your earlier email, just drop me another email and I'll get back to you for sure. It will help me if I can sort of file away the last month of email and start fresh. ---------- Talked to Tom this morning (his Sunday night) and today was mostly a day of travel. Today was just a lot more travel- from Long Hai to Hanoi for the final leg of their trip. Tomorrow is a day off, and Tuesday and Wednesday is administrative and government stuff. And then my family returns home! I did find out one cool thing- one of the other adoptive parents on the trip, Sherri, is keeping a WONDERFUL travel journal with details of their trip. So for all the details I haven't been able to provide, please visit Sherri's site. But before you leave- new photos!
First bath!!
(Really grumpy after her doctor's visit :( - poor Cupcake!) All the new photos (a ton of them) are on Flickr, and for those without a Flickr account, I posted the Vietnam/Cupcake photos here.

travel update #5, sorta

2006-07-08T19:50:00.000-04:00

I wish I had some detailed news, but I don't. Tom and I chat only briefly every day, and he's not the most detail oriented guy in the world. I am trying to piece details of the trip together for Cupcake to have when she gets older, but it's hard. I am really hoping that either Tom or his mom is keeping the journal they promised they would. Yes, I'm feeling very frustrated and very out-of-the-loop right now. I am trying to remind myself she'll be home in just six days, but this was an incredible journey and one of *the* most important things in her life, and I couldn't be there. I was depending on people for information, and it's not coming, so I feel really lost right now. ANYWAY- there are some new photos, which I'm going to post on Flickr and the Vietnam gallery on my website after I size them down and upload them. Preview pics to come here later! I promise to send everyone the link tonight. What I do know is that Grace had her medical exam (which she hated with a passion) and checked out okay, except for one of her ears, but we kind of knew that she had something going on. I'm glad the antibiotics worked. She's no longer sick and is keeping all her food down and in. She weighs 18 pounds, so she'll be quite a bundle for me to carry around! Besides the medical exam, I think they had a few days off to sight-see and shop in Ho Chi Minh City. Now they are heading towards Hanoi, after a brief stop on the coast for a relaxing weekend. In Hanoi, they'll wrap things up and on Thursday they head home. Here in Mama-land, I have been packing like a madwoman. Our whole spare room is now wall to wall, ceiling to floor with boxes. Pretty much everything is packed but the furniture (most of which is staying here- buh-bye, college stuff!) and the little things I need to get me through the week. Hopefully, the movers can come Monday or Tuesday and we can get the boxes out of this condo and into the house. It looks like we might have the Certificate of Occupancy on Monday, if we are lucky. Two and a half years for this house. I don't feel relief- all I feel is completely stressed and terrified. I'll be taking on a house and a baby in the same time period. It's a little overwhelming. At this point, all I want to do is get some things unpacked, so it feels like we have a home again. I'm not good at this living in transition thing.

2006-07-03T21:13:00.000-04:00

Video of Cupcake!
Here's a little movie of Cupcake after her G&R. It's worth it to stick around till the end- her "discussion" with Tom is priceless. Sorry for the lack of communication- I'm working on email/updates now. I've been packing for the move, what a headache... Okay, here she is...

travel update #4

2006-07-01T21:08:00.000-04:00

Just got off the phone with Tom. They spent the day at the hotel, hanging out with Grace. Unfortunately, it sounds as if she has an ear infection. She woke up unhappy and has been tugging at her ears. So Tom and his mom are going to treat her for that. She also needs to go poopy, and is a little fussy as a result. Poor girl :( Here's some photos from their third day with Grace: This is going to sound terribly biased and selfish, but I have the most beautiful baby. EVER. I can't even wrap my brain and heart and soul around the whole reality of it all. I can't wait to meet her and hold her. If you want to see new photos, email me, or easier, add me to your flickr friends list (I'm gingerblue on there).

travel update #3

2006-06-30T23:21:00.000-04:00

If you've read this before, please check out my update to the "babies are not allowed" thing. Sorry I didn't explain it right!"more clearly! -------- I am way way way behind on email- I apologize. I'm trying hard to answer it- but between waiting for Tom to call with updates and packing the condo for the move and work, I'm just completely out of both time and sanity. The latest update from Vietnam: [Friday, June 30th] At the orphanage this morning, the babies all had a shared cold and some (including Cupcake) were running little temperatures. So she was kind of out of it. She perked up a lot while Tom was there, but during the G&R ceremony she constantly yawned (I hope they got pictures of that- nothing is cuter than babies yawning ;]). The G&R lasted about an hour, and then Gracie said her goodbyes to her nannies and friends at the orphanage and went home with her daddy and her Nina (her grandma). As soon as they got back to the hotel, they all crashed for naps, and when they woke up, Cupcake was feeling 100% better. They spent the day in the hotel room, just getting to know one another. The nannies told Tom (via translator) that Cupcake is typically very serene and alert, and rarely fusses. Apparently, that was the case yesterday, because she has yet to cry. I'm sure that's coming, though! She doesn't crawl too much, although when she wants something, she'll crawl to get it. She loves loves loves her rattle. She's got two teeth on the bottom and is cutting her top teeth. She doesn't drool much, but her nose runs A LOT. She babbles constantly. Instead of sucking her thumb, she sucks on her finger. She eats A LOT. She fits into 9 month old clothing. Tomorrow (Saturday) was a sight-seeing day. The babies are allowed to sightsee and go out and do everything on the trip. There was just one particular thing with this one trip in which parents were advised to leave the babies at the hotel because the babies' immune systems are still weak and this would have been too much for them. The childcare arranged for the children was excellent (nannies and volunteers from the orphanage- people that the kids already knew and loved) so parents had the option of staying with their child or leaving for a little bit to visit a rural village. It was a chance to see part of Vietnam that most visitors normally don't and get some info/photos for the children to have later. But since this particular day was going to be long, and Tom and his mom are exhausted, they have opted to stay in the hotel and just rest a bit before Adventures in Adopting an Infant begin. Hopefully they'll take a few minutes to SEND ME PHOTOS AND VIDEO and more details on what's going on. Since the G&R has happened, I can now post photos. Here are two that were sent to us in April. As soon as Tom sends me some new photos of Cupcake, I will post them!

travel update #2

2006-06-29T11:19:00.000-04:00

As you can see, Tom made it to the orphanage, and to Cupcake. The facilitator took them from the airport to the orphanage so everyone could see their babies, but it's fairly late at night, and they only had a few minutes there before they all went to the hotel. Tom was exhausted, but he describes our Cupcake as sweet, quiet, very observant, and serene. He said that she doesn't fuss, looks at EVERYTHING, and moves her feet constantly. Throughout the whole visit, she was holding a silver paper wrapper. She was sleeping when he got there, so she was a little out of it. One of the nannies was able to make her laugh, as you can see inm the photo. Tom and his mom are back at the hotel now. Tomorrow is Giving and Receiving, and then Cupcake leaves the orphanage, which I'm sure is going to be rough. More as it comes in!

travel update #1

2006-06-29T00:11:00.000-04:00

This is sort of easier to keep track of if you think of Vietnam being 12 hours ahead of Eastern time. Tom is traveling with his mom (Patty), and his sister (Cynthia) will join them later in the week. The schedule - Tom left for Vietnam yesterday at around 6:30pm, Eastern time. He and his mom landed in Taipei earlier today (and gave me a quick call) and right now, at around midnight on Thursday Eastern (noon Thursday, Vietnam time), he's landing in Ho Chi Minh City. They'll be met by agency staff at the airport, and they will all travel to Danang together. After arriving in Danang and getting settled into the hotel, Tom and his mom will go to the orphanage and meet Cupcake (Thursday afternoon Vietnam time, early Thursday morning Eastern time). After spending time with her, they'll go back to the hotel for the night. On Friday (noon-ish Vietnam time, very early in the morning Friday Eastern) he and Cupcake will celebrate their G&R (for more info on what that is, and what Tom will be doing on his trip, check out this excellent article), and Tom will leave the orphanage with Cupcake. As soon as I hear anything, I will post. I am hoping he can give me a call from the orphanage so I can hear Cupcake for just a second, talk to her for the very first time. Tom's sister works for Verizon so she managed to snag us a few world-wide cell phones. At over $2 a minute, they aren't cheap, but I'd love to get some sort of info as soon as he can make time to get in touch I just want to hear her breath. Isn't that silly? I just want to hear her make slurpy baby noises. Little mouth breathing. For some reason I have been wondering what she sounds like when she's just being HER. Both Tom and his mom have promised to take a lot of digital photos, and Tom's mom promised me she would jot down little details about each day so I can do journal posts for everyone, in addition to me being up-to-date on what's going on. I hope when they get to their hotel later today, they can get online and send me some updates. I think I'm okay- I feel kinda weird. I'm exhausted from the last few days, and I banged my head earlier on the coffee table (swift, but now I get why babyproofing is so important- it HURT!!), so I think that's contributing to how I feel. It still doesn't seem real. I think it will all sink in, though, when I hear him say "she's amazing." More as soon as I hear anything... I'm going to bed to read and rest my noggin'. I don't imagine there will be much sleeping tonight.

almost time!

2006-06-26T20:24:00.000-04:00

Tom leaves for Vietnam in 18 hours. Yikes! The last two days I have been feeling really sick, and it sort of came to a head today. I spent a while in the bathroom, throwing up. I thought it was something I ate, but now I realize it's me being absolutely panicked about this situation. I think I will feel better Wednesday afternoon when Tom's almost done traveling the first leg and I'm finished with the stuff I have to get done right after he goes. Maybe I can enjoy the quiet time... There's so many emotions right now. The first is that Tom is going on a very long trip for a long time. As much as I pretend to be Miss Independent, and was for quite some time, he and I haven't been apart for more than a few days since we got together in 2000. Two weeks is a long time, and I have no idea how I'll feel. I'm trying to think of it as one last quiet stretch before my life Radically Changes and I become someone's mom. But honestly, I could do without it. I'm anxious to hear Tom's description of Cupcake, and finally meet her. Right now it doesn't click that he's actually going to meet Cupcake, and the next time I see him he will be CARRYING her. But I know as the week goes on, I will be very anxious to hear all the details and be in touch. Thank goodness Tom's sister works for Verizon- she managed to get them worldwide cell phones for the trip. In the back of my mind, I'm scared I won't be a good mom. It's hard to write, but I know there will be times when it will be really really hard, and I will be freaking out. And I plan on being honest about it. A few of you have asked what we packed- Tom got a bunch of Coolmax clothes for himself. For medications/health stuff, we used Dr. Aronson's list. Baby items include: - 14 inexpensive onesies (so they can be disposable- I got a million of these at my baby shower) - 10 outfits (mostly shorts and "bubble" thingees) - 2 bottles with several nipples (one is Playtex with the drop ins, and the other is Avent in case she hates the Playtex) - a few days worth of diapers - 3 little packs of travel diaper wipes - a travel kit of baby powder, shampoo, and lotion and other supplies - two paks of disposable bibs, plus 3 cloth ones - 2 hats - bug spray and sunscreen - 2 blankets - socks and 2 pairs of shoes - first aid kit - toys (soft rattle, little doll, stuffed cat that plays music, teething stuff, photo album) - pajamas (with and without footies) - cloth diapers for burping and changing on the go plus tons of toys, clothes, and supplies for the orphanage. As far as gifts: I made the each of the nannies/volunteers at the orphanage necklaces with Red Swarovski crystal hearts on black silk cord. I put them in small gift bags, and in each bag I also added in a small bottle of Healing Garden lotion and a bottle of sheer fragrance plus a Tootsie Roll bank (they won't melt and there's a rumor that candy and American things are typical gifts). For the male officials we need to give a gift to, we got baseball caps with a colorful logo from our city on it (which I have heard may not be a good gift, but it's too late) and bags of Hershey's Kissables. We heard M&Ms are a big thing in Vietnam, but Kissables don't melt and are brand new so we went that route. I feel like these are crummy gifts, but I tried to follow the recommendations. How do you thank the person who has been caring for your child, and the people who are allowing you to take home a child from their country? There is no gift big enough for that.

so behind, so sorry!

2006-06-21T19:42:00.000-04:00

Hey, our agency sent us six brand-new photos of Cupcake taken two days ago. She's so dreamy. I can't wait to kiss her chubby cheeks. If you want to see them, I posted them in her private gallery (the one that some of you have the URL to). So check them out there, or email me for the URL if you forgot it. Okay, the real entry: First of all, I am so behind on email- and I am so sorry. It's just been so insane around here. I really feel terrible about it. I read everything, and work on responses, but usually get called away before I can finish the reply and email it. I promise to try and catch up. Especially to those who have had questions about health conditions and adoption/homestudy, our agency, and Cupcake. I hope you haven't given up on me. Tom is leaving in LESS THAN SIX DAYS. We've been rushing around trying to organize for both the trip and the potential move to the new house. Today it sunk in just how much we need to do to prepare for travel, and we got our lists together. I sort of got a kick in the ass when I went to someone's site who is traveling to China in over a month, and she's already packed! OMG. I sort of envy that. I could do that, but Tom tends to be more last minute (especially with work the way it is right now) and it's too hard. Tomorrow we are going to Walgreens to buy everything on the list our adoption doctor gave us. It's a LOT of stuff. After that, we are going to my parents' (currently baby central) to pick out Cupcake's clothes, accesories, etc. We still need to wash her clothes. One thing at a time. As far as The House Which Will Never Be Finished, no real work has been done since I last wrote. None. What that means is that there is probably no way we are going to close on the house and be moved in by the time Tom and Cupcake return. I am slowly becoming okay with the idea, even though it's been a heartbreak for me. I never imagined bringing Cupcake home to anywhere but the house, being able to spend her first few days here devoted to her. It looks as if the move won't happen until Tom gets back. But who cares, cause Cupcake's coming home!!

life on pause

2006-06-16T10:16:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated in a bit- sorry about that! Quite honestly, nothing is going on. Tom and I arre both getting excited and terrified, but we both feel really stuck at the moment. The house is once again on hold while the builder does God-knows-what, so there's nothing we *can* be doing and it's driving me nuts. I'm hesitant to get the condo ready for the baby because the house is supposedly going to be move-in-ready by the time she arrives. But as each day passes, it doesn't seem likely. I want to get into Cupcake's room in the new house and unpack everything and NEST. I am so frustrated. It's going to be a huge challenge for me to move all of OUR stuff and unpack and make a home in the next few weeks, especially if the house takes any longer. I really really wanted it to be done and ready for Cupcake. 2 1/2 years is just too long to build a house. I found out that I won't be traveling, and I feel really conflicted about it all. I know it's best for me and Cupcake if I stay home and stay healthy for her, but I think I will always regret not being there for her first few days. Also, I want to meet her as soon as possible! Tom is not exactly a long-term planner. He hasn't even started to pack. He's ordered some Cool Max clothes for himself and is thinking ahead and planning, but no action. This weekend I am going to get Cupcake's things together- clothes, a few toys, etc. I also want to go and buy a few things for the orphanage that I heard they need, such as diaper rash cream. Is there anything that you wish you brought with you when you traveled? Anything you wish you didn't? Anything that was an absolute God-send (besides the baby??) I would love some advice since I'm pretty much in charge of everything Cupcake for the trip. I need to go buy a few diapers, just in case. Everyone keeps telling me not to pack any, but you never know. Unlike with China, Cupcake will join Tom just a few hours into his trip. The G&R ceremony is almost immediately after Tom lands. I doubt he'll have time to find diapers before that. Blah- I feel panicked, but really stuck. I just want to be doing something to prepare for Cupcake's arrival. Don't EVER build a house in Florida.

thank you

2006-06-06T23:19:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to thank everyone profusely for their comments and emails on our travel news. I honestly haven't let it set in - the only thing that has changed for me is that I'm not waiting for the phone to ring. It just hasn't sunk in that time is ticking, that Cupcake is gonna be home soon. Every time I even think about it a tiny bit, my heart and soul sort of shuts out the information. Maybe it's just too much for me to even process. One thing that I think is causing me NOT to let this sink in is that the house still is nowhere near being ready, and I don't know if it's going to be ready by the middle of July. I mean, they have half day's work, tops- but getting anyone over to do anything is close to impossible. For some reason I can't imagine Cupcake being here without us hbeing in the house. I never thought we'd be raising a child (for even a few weeks!) in this condo. Oh, well, my neighbors will be happy. They are all over 60 years old (I live in a city that is mainly retired people) and they have all been very vocal about their hope that the baby comes before we move so they get an "in house" granddaughter. Still working on email- thanks for being so patient with me!

travel news!

2006-06-03T00:40:00.000-04:00

We got THE phone call this morning- travel news. It's later than we hoped (end of June), and we're not traveling with someone I REALLY REALLY wanted to travel with (Nicole), but it's a date and we'll take it. I still don't know if I can go. Due to my Spina Bifida, my doctors have advised me NOT to travel. It's hard for me though- this isn't some vacation, this is a life changing event; a once-in-a-lifetime thing. My doctors are concerned about my back and hips during the plane ride. And then there's the water situation... because of the Spina Bifida, I have limited feeling in my feet. When I get a blister or something, I usually don't feel it. And if I develop a blister from walking, and then get it wet, it could get infected without me knowing. When I was in college, I developed a bone infection from the showers. I had no idea- I thought it was just a scrape. A week later I was having half my toe removed from the infection. I learned my lesson- Spina Bifida is not something to screw around with. But neither is my family. The one thing that is making me feel better about NOT going is the fact that I'll be 100% when Cupcake gets home. That's going to be the hardest adjustment for her, and instead of Tom and I operating at 50%, Tom can crash for a few days and I can really be ready and able to help Cupcake adjust and give her absolutely all of me. Six weeks until Cupcake gets home. Six weeks until we become a family.

so tired

2006-05-29T01:24:00.000-04:00

Long weekend, and Tom almost fell over in relief when I reminded him that he was off work tomorrow. My birthday was Friday- I turned 32. We didn't do anything too exciting, just did our shift at the cat shelter and then went out to dinner with my parents. To be honest, I'm not exactly full of energy at the moment. I'm a little shocked at the fact it's June. I commented to some friends that in real time, it seems like the year is flying by, but in adoption time, it feels like every day lasts for weeks. It's a little scary to realize that 95% of my thoughts and emotions of the past 6 months have been intensely focused on Cupcake and this whole process. I can't believe we got through May. Just a few more weeks... I hope! In the meantime, I'm working hard, getting ready to move, and scrapbooking. Anything to keep my mind off time.

new Vietnam mailing list

2006-05-28T17:51:00.000-04:00

There's a new Vietnam mailing list/group: Modern Adoptive Parents: Vietnam It's a list for anyone adopting, or interested in adopting, from Vietnam. The basis for this list is to talk HONESTLY and OPENLY about the adoption experience. I guess a few of us were sick of having to be sunshine and roses around the "old timers" (those who look down on those of us new to this), who refuse to admit that anything might be wrong, frustrating, or confusing about this process. Another purpose to the MAP list is to dicuss different umbrella situations and try to get to the bottom of what is going on with certain agencies. There is a strict "no agency" policy on the list, and all members have to "sign" a disclaimer when they join. It'd be stupid to pretend that some agencies don't have MAJOR problems, and hopefully we can help families stuck in really serious conflicts find a way to get their adoptions on the right track again. So this is a chance to be honest, without having to face 400 people telling you to smile or not be concerned about things that *should* concern you. This mailing group is about finding solutions for challenges facing adoptive families- NOT about pimping agencies and brushing the dirt under the rug.

cupcake's nursery

2006-05-25T21:47:00.000-04:00

Okay, so the house isn't done but the murals in the nursery are done. We are doing an under the sea theme, based on the Pottery Barn Kids "Ocean Critters" bedding we got Grace. I secretly call the room "Rock Lobster" (the song makes me very happy), even though there are no lobsters. There is a pleasant crab, though. Here's some photos... Cupcake's name over the closet: The sea turtles on the wall where her crib will go. If you click on the photos, you can see more (well, except for the one with her name... if you have a flickr account, add "gingerblue" as a friend.)

finale fun

2006-05-24T23:37:00.000-04:00

Don't read this if you still haven't watched any of the season finales of this week, 'kay? Alrighty then... This week has brought me the sad time of year when I must bid my favorite TV shows adieu for the summer (and wait for Big Brother to start). Lost was satisfyingly creepy. Danielle ("Forget the gap, suckas! I'm goin' to Thailand!") won ANTM. Hippies won Amazing Race (hated them in the beginning, but after Dave and Lori were eliminated, I started liking them more...). Top Chef is sitting on the TiVo, waiting to be watched. One sort of surreal thing was that during Lost tonight, I pointed out to Tom that the next time we watched a new episode, Cupcake would be with us. That sort of changed our whole spin on the summer- I have a feeling after travel, we won't be watching Big Brother feeds on the internet and multiple broadcasts anymore. And we won't really care. And that's perfectly okay. :) Hey, when you all finish watching Lost, come back here and let's discuss it. Tom is being very "let's just wait for next season instead of speculating" and it drives me mad. Foot statues and violet skies and magnets and Russian men in snowy stations, oh my!

blah

2006-05-23T11:35:00.000-04:00

Blah- rainy day. I'm gonna go swim in a bit, maybe getting my blood pumping will help me get my spirits up a bit.

you never know...

2006-05-21T23:22:00.000-04:00

Today, while I was swimming my laps, I started thinking to myself that today is another day, and I was getting through it, and could cross it off the calendar. May will soon be over, and June migth be the month that Cupcake comes home. As I was thinking about it, I started realizing that this waiting is *so* hard, and I don't know how I am going to stand at least another month of it. She's growing up so fast, and I am missing so much. In every photo, she's like a different little girl. I miss her so much. I can't explain the feelings at all. Anyway, when I emerged from the water to take a breath, I realized there was a rainbow *around* the sun. Sort of like the picture at the top of this post (which I did *not* take), but much more vivid. I never heard or saw anoything like that before. I just did some research and it's a natural phenomenom caused by ice crystals high in the sky and reflection (science blabber here...) but it kinda freaked me out. I don't know how I feel about signs and messages, but whenever I am looking for something- some kind of comfirmation, some kind of inspiration, some kind of comfort- I usually find it in the sky. So to see a rainbow around the sun was a little weird. I asked, I challenged, and I got an answer. And I am going to run with it. I know that this all has to happen the way it has to happen, that there's a reason for it taking so long and for us not being with Cupcake now. I try and remind myself that the last time I felt like I didn't understand the timing of things was when I was with my previous adoption agency, waiting for a promised referral that never came. Now I realize it never came because that referral *wasn't* our Cupcake, and if it had come... well, let's just say things would be messy now. And our beautiful little baby girl we are so desperate to get to might not have been matched with us. The idea of it is unthinkable, and so I know that things happen the way they are supposed to. So I am trying to chill out and hang in there, but it's hard. The rainbow was a reminder that there's nothing I can do about it but sit back and wait for it to work itself out, and unfold in front of me.

chatty chel

2006-05-19T00:47:00.000-04:00

Some of my fellow Vietnam bloggers have been quiet the past few days, and I am desperately hoping it's because they are getting all the necessary information so they can accept their brand new referrals. I'm behind on email. I haven't answered anything in about a week. Sorry about that- it's been a busy week. Involving a trip to the dentist. No cavities, thankfully- but every time I sit in that chair I brace myself for news of root canals and multiple cavities. The week before the appointment is always full of fear. So anyway, a countdown: One day until Cupcake turns 7 months old (wahhhhh! it's been about two months since referral.) One week until I turn 32. and 23 days since LID. (There's no ticker for that). and... Travel news can now come any time. They told us "June", and we get two weeks notice. AND in two weeks it is June. So, let's go travel approval! (pretty pretty please?)

champion napper

2006-05-15T07:28:00.000-04:00

I'm really really really curious to find out how the cats get will get along with Cupcake. Our pets are *really* important to us, so it's crucial to find some sort of balance between baby and kitties. I'm really hoping that Cupcake loves animals as much as we do. Animal rescue and doing volunteer work at the shelter is a huge part of our life, and at some point I'd like to be able to bring Cupcake over to the kitten shelter without having to worry that she will hurt the cats or they will hurt her. Plus, I don't ever want our cats to think that they are suddenly some play toy for a loud, messy, lurching miniature person. I've gotten a lot of good advice on how to introduce the cats to the baby-for instance, if I don't travel to Vietnam, Tom is going to send me something of Cupcake's right away via postal mail so I can let the cats sniff it and get used to her smell. I also heard that it's really important to let the cats thoroughly inspect the baby when she gets home (with complete supervision). Apprently, the "sniff inspection" lets let them check Cupcake out, get bored with her, and then apprently they'll go on their merry way of ignoring her. I do know for a fact that if you try and prevent a cat from checking out something that h/she wants to, it only makes it that much more appealing to her/him. So I won't be doing the "no, stay away from the baby!" stuff. They need to co-exist. I think I am going to try the "no touch" method with Cupcake- no touching the cats unless she is supervised and given permission. I know that sounds crazy, but I've been told that if you define the boundaries right away, sort of like teaching a baby not to poke someone in the eyeball of grab a person in the crotch, they pick up on it. I don't think it's fair if I actively encourage or ignore her when she grabs at their fur or tails or teases them. Yes, I know handfuls of fur will happen. But I'm going to try to not act like it's the Cutest Thing Ever, which I'm sure every new parent feels about absolutely EVERYTHING their child does. I do think that Chester (the kitty featured in the photo above) will appreciate the fact that Cupcake will take naps in the afternoon. Chester is a CHAMPION napper. At around 11am, he crawls into the bed and has his turn sleeping six-eight hours (hence the unmade bed in the photo). He gets cranky if you try and wake him during this period. He never sleeps on his belly, or curled up in a ball like most normal cats - instead, he stretches out on his back, usually with his feet hanging off the side of the bed. Sometimes, he puts his paw on his belly for good measure. He's also taken over the one baby blanket we have for Cupcake, which I have been sleeping with in case I can't go to Vietnam (Tom is going to bring it with him so Grace can get used to *our* smell before she gets home). I think we might have to give Chester the blanket and get Cupcake another one. He's VERY attached. I can only hope he likes Cupcake as much. He'll either love her or be terrified of her. That's how he operates. Delilah, our 9-year old cat, will be another story. She's very maternal and affectionate, but it takes her a while to warm up to certain people. I have a feeling she'll sort of observe at a distance, and then make a decision on whether she's going to spend time with the baby or just pretend as if she doesn't exist. I hope it's the former... Delilah's pretty much my favorite "person" in the world, and I think it would be incredibly cool if Cupcake, Delilah, and I could form a female trifecta and roam around the house together. Girl power!

Happy Mom's Day!

2006-05-14T13:17:00.000-04:00

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day, ESPECIALLY to those of you who are awaiting a referral and/or travel approval.

cold air

2006-05-12T01:25:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note to let people know I'm not ignoring or blowing off anyone- I just haven't had a chance to sit down and answer emails in the last two days. Our A/C went out, which is just absolutely lovely in the middle of the HUMID HOT STICKY summer. "Summer?" you ask... yes. It's always summer here in Southwest Florida, just minutes north of the Everglades. There's two seasons, actually- tourist and hurricane. So "summer" is actually me being respectful of my environment. ANYWAY, we had to get a whole new system and it finally got installed this morning after several days of misery. The last thing I could stand was having a hot laptop on my knees so I pretty much checked out these past few days. I promise to catch up tomorrow. Going to go to bed and read my new Alexander McCall Smith "No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency" novel and try and figure out what Precious Ramotswe's "tiny white van" looks like. Does it have three wheels or four? For some reason I see it as like a little golf cart thing with three wheels, only one in the front. How does such a woman of "traditional build" fit into the tiny white van? (If you have no idea what I am talking about, sorry. I'm obsessed with this series of books...)

she's GAWGEOUS!

2006-05-09T23:50:00.000-04:00

On Sunday morning we got an amazing surprise- more photos of the Cupcake! I do love the shirt she's wearing, which says "I'm Gorgeous." Anyway, the wait is not getting easier. The photos help a whole lot, but with each new picture, I see all the tiny changes that we are missing, and how our little baby girl is becoming less of of a baby and more of a girl. Yes, I know at 6-months-and-3-weeks she's still a baby, but I miss her terribly and I can't wait to get her in my arms. For those counting (*clearsthroat*Nicole*clearsthroat*), we are: - two weeks post LID - one week into May - three weeks 'til June (June being estimated travel) One week down, three weeks to go. That's not definite, but the magic month for me is June. I saw some videos of the orphanage our daughters are in (taken by volunteers earlier this year) and it just made my impatience explode. However, I am more convinced than ever that the children are VERY well cared for and VERY much adored by the women and volunteers at the orphanage. All the children looked so happy, healthy, and curious, and in tune with everything. All the nannies and volunteers were being swarmed with kids constantly, little smiling faces begging for hugs and kisses and love. There was lots of playing and singing and activity. It was so amazing to watch. Hey, I found out that half the emails I previously sent out with Cupcake's photos never made it to their intended destinations. I think the size of the email with the photos may have tripped some spam filters out there. So if you asked me for photos and I never responded, that may be why. I finally decided to put the photos up on a private web page on my server to try and solve that problem, as well as using it as a source for my family to see the latest. There are now 12 photos. If you want the URL, let me know. I'd be happy to share The Gorgeousness that is Cupcake with all who wants to see ;)

keeping up with Cupcake

2006-05-03T17:08:00.000-04:00

One really amazing thing about the orphanage that Cupcake is in is that there are a lot of people going through, both adoptive parents and volunteers. We've been able to get in touch with a few of these people and get some information on how Cupcake is doing and what her personality is like. Vietnam doesn't really give out "personality snippets" with referrals like China does; when we accepted the referral, we didn't know if Cupcake likes being held, likes to be outside, or "likes soft cakes" (that seems like a popular one for China). So to have people who have spent quality time with Cupcake tell us what she's like is SUCH a tremendous blessing. To have this access to our child right now is... well, there are no words. If we can't be there, knowing people who ARE there is the next best thing. It definitely helps with the wait to know she's doing well and is being taken care of. So far we have heard that Cupcake is "serene", "lovely", "beautiful, chunky and healthy." My favorite information about her came this morning from a volunteer: "we all love her, she is sooo adorable. She is a very happy girl. Recently she was moved in to the toddler room because we had 3 new born babies come in and since she is one of the older babies she got moved out. She was sick last week so we gave her extra care, but she is better now and back to her normal happy self. She has started crawling pretty well which is really neat to witness." I'm so sad we are missing her first crawls, but I keep reminding myself there are a lot of other milestones we will witness. I'm just so thrilled that she is growing and doing well. That she's happy... One day at a time, right? In the meantime I have started Cupcake's Lifebook/Scrapbook. I started yesterday afternoon and got one page done. I'm now working on her referral photos page. It's a lot of fun, but I really hate measuring and using the paper cutter (I'm used to using "crop" in Photoshop) so that part kinda frustrates me.

"every plan is a prayer to father time..."

2006-05-02T17:13:00.000-04:00

(This is part of one of my favorite photos of Grace- I don't know why... something in her eyes or the way she's checking stuff out...) Everyone who has been through an adoption has told me that the wait between referral and travel would be the hardest. It's both true and not true- the adoption process has gotten infinitely easier and more rewarding because we can *see* what we are working towards and visualize that little girl every day, but time has slowed to a stop. In the last few weeks I have been doing a lot of reading about the orphanage Cupcake is in. The children are very well cared for and get lots of human love and interaction. However, every single day I think about every milestone we are missing. All the time we have to make up for. I just want to hold her and smooch on her and see her smile and hear her laugh and wrap her in soft comfy blankets and give her a wonderful life. I want to engage her, show her the world. I want to go to that orphanage and do something for every single one of those children. I feel so helpless right now- there's really nothing we can do but make donations to the orphanage and wait. We're looking at travel in June. For most Vietnam adoptions, the longest wait is between referral and travel. Most adoption agencies are giving referrals before the dossier is submitted to Vietnam (there's a lot of child-specific paperwork that needs to be processed in the dossier), then the dossier goes in to the government, and then the clock starts ticking. We got our referral five weeks ago, so we still have another four or so weeks to wait. I am praying that maybe travel will come in May... In the meantime, I keep looking at Cupcake and hoping she's doing well, she's happy, and that someone is loving her. "If I could open my arms, And span the length of the isle of Manhattan, I'd bring it to where you are, Making a lake of the East River and Hudson. And if I could open my mouth, Wide enough for a marching band to march out, They would make your name sing, And bend through alleys and bounce off other buildings."

Rain Rain Go Away...

2006-04-27T18:58:00.000-04:00

When we started this adoption journey, I was incredibly envious of all the tight knit DTC groups out there. There STILL aren't any DTV groups, really- at least none that do any sort of exchanges or swaps. (Why is this? there are more than enough people on that DTV list to start gift exchanges...) So I begged my way into a February 2006 DTC group so I would have other lovely people to go through my adoption with. I signed up for the Secret Pal swap, and wound up getting an amazing partner. She's SO generous and kind and creative. Look what she sent this month! Okay, it doesn't rain much (well, AT ALL) in Florida in April, but it does rain all summer. So I absolutely love everything, and I know Cupcake will, too. I can't wait to get those boots on her feet! ;) So thank you, my dear, for getting us equipped for the summer! Hopefully Cupcake will be home soon enough to be able to get a lot of good use of her new goodies this summer!

zippity doo dah!

2006-04-23T21:46:00.000-04:00

The photos came, the photos came! They arrived this morning- what a GREAT way to wake up! I am so excited to see my Cupcake, even though she looks a little sad and it breaks my heart into a million pieces. I'm trying to remind myself that they most likely woke her up and put on a beautiful little outfit to take the photos in, and that would cause anyone to be a little cranky. I mean, it usually takes me a while to get out of my pajamas. But I am desperate to see her smile... As always, email me so I can show you the pics! [Shana, you are weirdly psychic!!]

return and exchange

2006-04-23T07:19:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was SUCH a long day- we went ahead and returned most of the clothes we bought for Cupcake and got a larger size. Instead of 6-9 months, we got 9 months-18 months. We now officially have too many clothes for her, but oh well. The ironic thing is that since we bought the clothes a few months ago (at full price, and had the receipts), they have since gone on sale, so we wound up getting the replacements for less. So we got a few more... Oh well. Unfotunately, some of my favorite outfits were no longer available. It's weird how my tastes have changed- originally I loved Children's Place and Carter's best, but this time it was Osh Kosh and less so Carter's. We didn't get anything at Children's place but a little pink coat and a credit on our card. We still need shoes, though. Shoes are hard- I want to get some Robeez, but I have no idea what size she is otherwise. That I might wait for. After hitting the outlets, we went to Babys R Us and got the second batch of baby stuff. This time it was highchairs, swings, and more toys, plus I swapped out the original baby monitors for the Angel Care ones Erin told me about. The financial damage wasn't that bad this time, but I'm sure there is more to come. Now we just need the house to be done so I can get into the nursery and start putting it all together. I think that's the hardest part- we have all this stuff, and we can't do anything with it. Soon, soon.

fabulous news

2006-04-22T22:54:00.000-04:00

My friend Nicole just accepted her referral of a BEAUTIFUL 18 month old girl from Danang- she's in the same orphanage (and has almost the same name!) as Cupcake. Go congratulate her and ask to see some photos. *squeeeeee* Happiness!!

Message to universe and phone, part two

2006-04-21T14:34:00.000-04:00

Dear God, Universe, Internet and/or Phone: Thank you so much for our amazing Cupcake. She is all we can think about and talk about and we are so excited to be able to share in her life. However, it would be so incredibly lovely if you could expedite the process of getting us her updated photos and (possibly) extra information about her. The agency most likely has all of these things, but is sorting through them for all their families. Please lend them a hand, and gently remind them that WE ARE GOING ABSOLUTELY INSANE WAITING! Love always, Chel

housekeeping...

2006-04-20T13:15:00.000-04:00

In the last month or so I have been saving every email I wanted to answer in a mail file called "answer this!" I thought it would make my emailing more efficient, but all it did was make it a lot easier to procrastinate. So today one of my huge goals is to go through that file and answer those emails. I promise I was not blowing you off, I was just avoiding having to sit down and focus for more than a minute. I'm having a REALLY hard time doing that lately. I'm going to try and make up for it in the next few days. Also, good news on the house: instead of "one month" we heard yesterday they estimate it will be three weeks until we can move in! I am very excited now. That means maybe we'll actually be able to move into the house this summer! News from adoption agency: The facilitator took a tremendous amount of photos while he was in Vietnam of all the babies who are waiting to come home, so he's going through his photos and emailing them to families with documents and information, etc. So if he took pictures of Cupcake while he was in Vietnam, we will receive them when he gets around to downloading them. *phew* I'm starting a Lifebook/Scrapbook for Cupcake. I have never done scrapbooking before. Can anyone give me tips on what to buy, essentials, good sites, etc.?

big retail therapy for tiny person

2006-04-17T22:52:00.000-04:00

On the current episode of Days of our Adoption: the facilitator from our agency just returned from a trip to Vietnam, and there's hints that he might have updated photos of Cupcake and some more information on her in his suitcase. I am trying not to get antsy and insufferable about it, but as the day has gone on, I'm jumping every time the phone rings or I get an email. I can't focus on anything. I am trying to send brain waves for him to rest up, rejuvenate, and UNPACK AND CALL ME! I am so excited at the idea of seeing more photos of Miss Cupcake. Maybe she'll be smiling a big gummy grin in one! I wanted to call the agency today and tell them that I want to see EVERY PICTURE even if she's out of focus or screaming or pooping or whatever. But I didn't. I guess they know that. Next stage? More waiting. Our paperwork is in Vietnam, being processed, and all we can do is sit and wait for them to let us know when we can travel for Cupcake. They give us a two week advance warning, which is fine- we're all on high alert. Tom needs to go get his vaccines, though. I need to make a decision on travel, although it looks like if travel is in the next month or two, I will HAVE to stay home so I can move us into the house. That's not something I want to do right after Cupcake arrives and/or we just get back from Vietnam. Oh, I wanted to thank everyone for their suggestions as far as baby stuff goes. I made a list with notes and everyones ideas, and was able to purchase most of it. Let me tell you, this baby stuff is expensive. Babies R Us is ALL BABY MERCHANDISE, did you know that? I'm so used to stores having one or two aisles of the things I am interested in, but besides the boy's clothing, there were things of interest in every single aisle. I should have known we were in trouble when we spent a half hour debating baby monitors and bottles. The total was less than I expected when she rang it up, but more than I expected when we first walked into the store (truly believing we'd only be in the first three aisles). A big reason for the $$ is that we had to get two of a lot of things- bottles, diaper genie, baby tub for sink, pack n' play/portable crib, changing table pad, odds and ends.... my parents plan on keeping the baby once or twice a week at their place and we don't want to lug things back and forth, especially if they take her for an afternoon or whatever. Crib, dresser, storage bench, bedding is coming via online. We still have to get a highchair and more bottles, plus some stroller toys. I also need stuff to babyproof the house. I know there's a common belief that just leaving the bottom cabinets bare, or not putting dangerous stuff in them is more than enough, but I am not comfortable with that. I have a friend whose neighbor unknowingly put a bottle of some cleanser (with bleach) into a low cabinet and he drank it, burning his vocal chords, and having to talk in a whisper his entire life. Rather safe than sorry. I'll be interested to see how sleeping works out. I'm planning on keeping the crib in my room for a while if she needs it. I know most of you guys are co-sleepers, but for various reasons (which are very important to both of us), Tom and I will not be co-sleeping and so we need to figure out an alternate plan depending on what the baby needs from us. [Must.Stop.Eating.Chocolate.Graham.Crackers.] Going to go and stare at the phone, and pick it up several times to see if it's working.

i dunno...

2006-04-17T00:32:00.000-04:00

I changed the layout a bit. This was one of my first times monkeying with CSS rather than letting the software do it, so I have no idea what I messed up and what is broken, etc. Lemme know if there are any oddities- I'm on a Mac using Safari, so please let me know which browser/OS you are using and what sort of problems you might notice!

what to get

2006-04-15T00:03:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is the big trip to Babies R Us for essentials- is there anything you couldn't live without when your baby was first home or around 6-9 months old??

hindsight is 20/20, sorta

2006-04-14T19:22:00.000-04:00

A few people have asked me if my opinion on Umbrella agencies has changed now that I'm further into the adoption and have switched agencies. (For those not doing a Vietnam adoption, "Umbrella"-ing is when an agency receives their license to work in Vietnam and shares that license with several other agencies. Vietnam does know when this is happening, and still approves the license. All adoptions go through the agency with the license.) Our current agency is not sharing their license with anyone, so make of that what you will. A few months ago, I was pretty vocal about my opinion on umbrella agencies. I truly believed that if Vietnam approved of agencies sharing their licenses, and protective measures were being taken on the Vietnam end of things, agencies sharing a license must be okay. The big argument on APV was that is WASN'T ethical for the CHILD. I still believe that as far as the children are concerned, Umbrella agencies are fine. As long as the parent agency is working with a reputable orphanage and the Vietnam government, it's ethical- for the child. However, I'm not quite sure if I feel it's so ethical on the prospective adoptive parent side of things. The one thing I learned from our personal experience is that you get information third or forth hand, and like the old "telephone" game, it gets garbled, or slightly changed, as it passes from person to person. This is fine for some things, but not an adoption. After a while you have no idea if you are hearing the truth or just what the agency thinks you want to hear. You start doubting EVERYTHING, and worrying if you are doing the right thing, if your child will ever come. For us, we felt like we completely lost control of the situation - we were depending on our agency and coordinator to represent us to the parent agency and remind them that we were still out there, waiting. We were depending on the coordinator to tell us what she knew, and to get us answers to our questions in a reasonable time frame. We were depending on the coordinator to fight for us, to determine that certain situations were unacceptable and try and find a solution for us. For us, complete dependence on someone who is depending on someone ELSE for information was too much. It wasn't something we were comfortable with. I think if you have someone that kicks a lot of ass at your agency, someone who will fight for you tooth and nail and always be in touch with information, it might work out okay. I think at this point my position on Vietnam adoption is this- with so many agencies licensed and giving out healthy referrals, why would anyone who is ready to go forward with his/her adoption stay with an agency that is unlicensed and/or umbrella-ed? We started before any agencies were licensed, so we were hopeful our agency would be immediately licensed and everything would go as promised. And I think, ultimately, everything worked out so perfectly- if we had switched any earlier, we would not have been referred our Grace, who is my moon and stars. But if I were starting today, or in a position where I was ready with my I171 and waiting for news, there's no way I would delay or put my faith in anyone's promises. This isn't about friendship and being loyal, and I learned that the hard way. It's about paying a professional organization to assist you in locating and adopting a child. They may have helped you with an adoption before, or seem like the nicest people you have ever met, but ultimately they are not your friends or doing you a favor- they are the people who you have contracted to help you locate and bring your child home. Think of it this way: say you had a child who wasn't feeling well. If your normal doctor was a family friend and you found out there was another doctor a few doors down who could help your child in a more efficient, more helpful way, would you hesitate to bring your child to see that other doctor? Certain things take precedence over patience and loyalty and I have learned that the need to find my child and bring her home is one of those things. (Oh, and before signing with any agency, ask them how many adoptions IN VIETNAM they personally have completed. That will tell you a lot, too...)

days go by

2006-04-13T23:34:00.000-04:00

Lately, I have been noticing that everyone has been sort of celebrating adoption anniversaries. To me, nothing was "official" until the paperchase started, which was this past December. So I keep thinking things have been moving along. But when I started thinking about it, I realized that's not accurate. I mean, couples who are trying to conceive don't start marking time when they get a positive on the pregnancy test- they start from the day they begin the process. In hindsight, we're well beyond two years into our adoption. We started seriously planning and researching for adopting from China in 2004, but because of my age, T. and I not being married long enough, and not having the house built, we were forced to defer. Vietnam was not an option then. But we looked at agencies and talked and talked and planned and planned and hoped and hoped. So it's been a long time coming, and this certainly is something we've been talking about and anticipating for years. According to our agency, our paperwork is now in Vietnam. We are anxiously awaiting the receipt that lets us know that someone in that government center has seen our papers and put them in a pile to be processed. So while we wait, we shop. Well, I shop. Tom just marvels over what I am buying. I've started buying toys. My favorite so far is the Discover Sounds Kitchen by Little Tikes. I was expecting a Barbie-sized kitchen, but what arrived is this toddler-sized set of fun. For some reason, I think it resembles a DJ mixing station more than a kitchen. The two little "burners" on the stove play techno music and make different sound effects depending on which way they are slid. It's pretty cool. If Cupcake doesn't like it, I'll keep it for myself. I've also been buying lots of 12-18 month clothes. We are hoping for an update on Cupcake's weight next week, but at SOME point she'll need 12-18 month clothes so that's what I keep telling myself to justify the shopping. I have discovered Gymboree which is incredibly dangerous. I always thought Gymboree was some Jazzercise thing for kids, so I was picturing sportswear and legwarmers and leotards, but they have very cool clothes. It's funny, because I always thought I'd dress my daughter in very comfy, unisex, natural-fibers/colors type clothing, but I can't resist the beautiful florals and dresses. I am a bit surprised by it, but as I have not yet purchased any sort of hair bow that is applied with GLUE or TAPE or white tights, I think I'm okay. I know some people love white tights on baby girls, but all I can think of is how they must be sagging down by the diaper and itching. Why subject a kid to pantyhose?! Finally, we decided on the colors/theme of Cupcake's room. I tried to get into girly-girl, but I kept resisting it. My favorite colors are ocean colors- teal and aqua - so when I saw PBKids "Ocean Critters" stuff that was it. My mom is an artist (she studied textile design and was employed by Bloomingdales back in the early 60's before she gave it up to get married) and she is good friends with a muralist, so they are going to take elements from the sheets and stuff and paint them on the walls. Some of the octopus and starfish and turtles will have bows on their heads. The builders keep telling us "one more month" on the house. They have been telling us that for months, so at this point I am wondering exactly what calendar they are using in that builder's office. At this point, I am itching to move in and get Cupcake's room going. Until then, I shop. And dream. And look at Cupcake's face and hope she's okay.

16 pound Cupcake

2006-04-07T12:16:00.000-04:00

Oh, I forgot to mention- when we got Cupcake's health report, we were shocked to find out that Cupcake weighs 16 pounds!. That's in the 98th percentile for an AMERICAN baby at five months, and therefore makes her the biggest Vietnamese baby girl in all of history. It also means we will be returning everything we bought her. We had an adoption doctor look over all her records and blood tests before we accepted the referral, and the doctor noted the high weight and told us she doubts that Cupcake weighs that much. I freaked out until the doctor told us it's a very common thing for the measurements, etc. to get mixed up during the medical exams in the orphanages. We called the agency anyway, and they said their main concern is getting teh right photo with the right birth certificate and blood tests- the rest is secondary. One other baby examined on the same day had identical measurements, so it looks like there's where the mixup happened. So I'm trying not to freak out about the possibly wrong weight and height. I mean, Cupcake could be 4 feet tall and 200 pounds and I would be fine with it. As long as Cupcake is the little face in the photo, that's all that matters. Regardless, I better get a REALLY sturdy sling/carrier.

D(sort of on its way)TV

2006-04-07T01:01:00.000-04:00

Well, our dossier is complete- everything was notarized, certified, and Fed Exxed to our agency. Now we wait for the message that it arrived at the Vietnamese Government and they (hopefully) begin processing it. No new information on Cupcake. We have heard we might be able to get some news/photos from the current agency trip, but as much as I would love to see and hear more about her, it's okay if it doesn't happen. I'm still very delicately holding on to the idea of having received and accepted a referral, and this adoption is happening. I'm not ready to fully claim it- I'm too scared. Terrified, actually. It seems so fragile and unreal. I tiptoe around it, the idea of it. But I have shown her pictures to anyone who cares to see them- I carry them with me constantly, and proudly show them off. Mention "baby", "infant", or "adoption" to me, and I whip out the photos with a big stupid grin. I'm sort of concerned for a lot of my friends who are adopting right now- many of them are switching agencies (which I think is a really good thing, especially if it makes THEM feel better and it makes their adoption go faster) but many of them have to stay with their current agencies for one reason or another. I think a lot of the agencies haven't developed their programs as fast as they hoped, and a lot of families were able to get their papers ready FASTER than anyone expected. I constantly hope and pray that all the agencies with waiting families get licensed, and my friends' children can come home soon. I'm also hoping that the China program speeds up soon- the slow down has been horrible to watch and hear about, and I can only imagine how the DTC families are doing right now. I hope the time zips by, or things speed up. This is heartbreaking stuff, adoption. But also a complete joy- goes from one extreme to the other.

Once Upon a Time....

2006-04-01T17:25:00.000-05:00

I just realized what today's date is- this is **not** an April Fool's joke!! So I have a story to tell you. One upon a time there was a woman and a man who were adopting a baby from Vietnam. They signed with an agency and a few months later, they decided things weren't going their way and decided to change agencies. A few days after signing with the new agency, they were told that their new agency was "working for them" and that they would "hear back soon". They assumed this meant that their new agency was getting together all the new documents that they needed to fill out and sign. They were happy because although they were behind from having to switch agencies, they finally felt confident that they were going in the right direction. They began filling out forms and working on various things, at peace because they knew things might take a while and they finally trusted in the process. One night this couple was sitting down and eating Macaroni and Cheese, and the wife decided to check her email. In it was an email from the new agency with photos of The Most Beautiful Baby Girl EVER, and a note saying "here is the baby girl we talked about. Please review the photos and let me know how you feel." The wife asked her husband if he had an exchange about a specific baby with the agency. He said no, so the wife assumed the email was not meant for her and her husband, and sent it back to the agency with a note stating so. The husband called the agency and left a message stating the same thing. The husband and wife ooohed and aahed over the photos, wondering if maybe one of the children in the background was theirs, and happy that the babies looked so well cared for. A few moments later, the phone rang. The husband answered while the wife stared at him with huge eyes. The voice on the other end confirmed it- The email was indeed intended for them. The couple had received their much anticipated referral, and finally knew what their Cupcake looked like. ------ We got our referral, and she is BEAUTIFUL and chubby and amazing and sweet. She looks very well cared for and very comfortable. We are so very blessed to have been matched with this amazing baby girl. She's 5 months old and from DaNang. Her name is Quynh, which will become her middle name. I proudly introduce Grace Quynh. Our agency requests that we not post photos of our daughter in any public place to protect her privacy, so if you want to see her, you have to email me. I couldn't resist posting some little peaks, though. We just sent in the official "acceptance of referral" documents today after receiving her medicals, birth certificate, and blood tests. There's no definite date on travel. We have to finish our dossier, get it authenticated and translated, and sent to Vietnam. The sooner we do this (and trust me, we are working FEVERISHLY to get it complete), the sooner we will be given travel permission. Vietnam now only requires one trip to adopt, so hopefully she will be home VERY very soon. More soon- I promise.

The chase continues...

2006-03-29T18:30:00.000-05:00

More paperchasing today. T. went and got copies of the marriage certificate and a sheriff's background check. We still need to get copies of his divorce decree and a letter from his employer, both of which need to be certified from the state(s) they are from. It's a lot of waiting right now. I just REALLY want to get this (second) dossier completed and into our new agency so we can get in line for travel. Despite referral time, the travel clock starts ticking the day the dossier gets to Vietnam and is officially submitted to the government. Our agency is hoping that it will be sent in in the next two weeks. Then it gets translated when it's in Vietnam, so that should only take a few days. So hopefully second or third week of April we'll be officially. I am hoping and praying. A list of things we need to get done, for my own mental health: - letter of employment needs to be certified (different state) - divorce decree needs to be certified (different state) - local/state stuff needs to be certified here in Florida - may have to get new health forms - a few other documents need to be certified and faxed to agency Okay, that wasn't a good list. ARGHHHHHHHHHH

Paperchasing, part deux

2006-03-29T00:48:00.000-05:00

We're paperchasing again. I hate thispart because it's all over the place- go here for a stamp, go here for a form, go there for a signature, send the forms off for more. Our former agency is gathering our dossier (which is in various stages of translation and authentication) to send back to us, but in the meantime, we're trying hard to get as much of it together and re-do what we can. DTV = travel. Referrals can come any time (*sigh*) but travel is pretty much based on the time the dossier gets to Vietnam (at least in our agency's case) so we want it THERE. YESTERDAY. YES-TER-DAY. I feel like this adoption is sort of like one of those puzzles where you have to slide the pieces around to get the picture to show up. Or a Rubick's cube. It's just a lot of moves and processes and shifts to get everything in the right place at the exact right time. I think the picture is coming together, though. Still need to post pics from baby shower. I look like hell in every picture. I'm trying to find a few pictures where I don't look like a grinning fool. When do these things not matter anymore? I'm almost 32. You'd think this nonsense would be over by now, I'd be comfortable in my own skin. I'm getting there, but whenever I see a picture of myself I haven't prepped for, I think "yikes, looks like 10 miles of bad road." I started doing this crazy anti-oxidant/glycolic acid regimen on my face, hoping it would eliminate the horrible goggle tan I have picked up from swimming daily, but it doesn't appear to be working. The burning searing sensation on my skin would indicate that it IS, but cameras and I still do not get along. My goal is to get the brown tan sludge/freckle/goggle lines off my face before Cupcake arrives. I don't want to scare her any more than she is likely to be. All she needs to see is a striped lady come towards her and reach out to her... I can't stop thinking about myy Cupcake, thinking about her life in the orphanage. Who takes care of her? When she babbles and blows baby bubbles, what does it sound like? Does she have any toys? When she sneezes, does someone sayy "Bless You!", wipe her little nose and tell her to "blow"? Does she like any people there better than all the rest? What's her routine? What time does she wake up? Does she ever get up in the middle of the night and just stare at the ceiling, processing baby thoughts? Is she cold, warm, or just right? Is her crib okay? Does she have any idea what's about to happen to all of us? I hope someone there has a fondness for her, gives her a little extra love. I hope all the babies get that from the nannies. A little extra kiss and cuddle now and then. This is a crazy week. Good crazy. I hope to have some news soon that I can share with everyone... Goodnight!

a change will do you good...

2006-03-27T11:05:00.000-05:00

So the big mystery is that we've decided to switch agencies. We've been a bit heartbroken over it, because we have come to consider our facilitator part of our family, and love her very much. It's just that the program is not progressing as fast as we did. I don't think we expected to finish the homestudy and dossier and have the I-171 in six weeks. And now that we are ready to go forward, we are too anxious about this to be patient for a license. We tried for six weeks, but we can't hold on anymore. We're ready to move forward. We're now with a fully licensed agency. It seems like a whole different process. The agency is probably THE most reputable in the field of Vietnam adoption (along with one other agency) and the facilitator has been overseeing Vietnamese orphans and assisting with adoptions for years and years. For weeks I have been walking around, mourning something. Feeling sick and sad all the time. I thought it was anxiety over the "impending referral" (which never arrived) but now I realize it was some deep knowledge that we weren't following the right path anymore, that we had gotten thrown off course and the longer we waited, the further lost we were getting. Making this decision was a huge relief, because as soon as we officially made the switch, I KNEW that we were back on track. I KNEW Cupcake is back in sight. I can feel it. This time we asked for a baby girl under one year, instead of newborn. I keep feeling like she's going to be 8 months, either at referral or when she arrives home. I don't know why, I just feel like that's who she is. She could be older or younger. It's back to being a really exciting, giddy "what's next?" sort of experience. The ironic thing is T. and I have seemed to have switched roles- now he's agonizing over the phone, praying for it to ring. I'm just being blissfully ignorant about it all, happy that I'm released from a promise and that time is now mine. I'm not EXPECTING anything anymore. There's no cycle of disappointment when the phone doesn't ring. Okay, on to the details: Here's what I now know regarding Vietnam adoptions:

- Referrals can be made before DTV, but only if the 171 is at the agency. You have to be pretty far along with your dossier in order to be eligible for referral. It's all up to the agency after that. - Referrals are made through the orphanage, the facilitator in Vietnam, and the agency. There shouldn't be any "set referral dates" or anything like that. It should be a group effort. Some agencies are going through the government, but most are not. - Referrals can happen anytime- 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years. The agency takes what age/sex you have requested, and when a match comes up at one of the orphanages, they start putting families together. So it could be any day, or it could be several months. But there won't be any "it's coming on this date!" stuff anymore. - Travel can take place 2-6 months after the referral, but more likely 4-6 months. This is a mandatory GOVERNMENT restriction, and there are no ways around it despite what agencies are claiming. - An agency has to be licensed before the formal adoption process can begin. That means Vietnam license, not province licensed.

I still have to scan the shower photos. I am desperately trying to make thank you cards. I made handmade cards with a little booklet about Vietnam inside them. I am trying to align the paper right so the booklet works. I want to get them out later today or tomorrow because a lot of the families in our building leave April 1st, when tourist/rental season begins to come to an end here in Sunny Florida. More soon!

so anyway...

2006-03-25T05:55:00.000-05:00

Still here. No referral but lots to talk about. I will get get into it when it's not 5am and when things settle down some. I don't mean to be dramatic, but... adoption is either completely dramatic and emotional, or completely boring and redundant. There is NO middle ground, is there? My neighbors threw me a baby shower yesterday! I really thought I wasn't going to have one at all, since all my friends are so far away. I was so touched, I couldn't even cry! I still don't know how to thank them. I'm so shocked, still. Cupcake now has a FULL wardrobe, a stroller/carseat combo, a Pack N' Play, an exersaucer, and many tiny stuffed animals. I will show pictures soon. Hope you all are well. I've missed you these past few days.

message to universe...

2006-03-20T16:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Phone, Please ring. With good adoption news. Love, Chel

la la la

2006-03-17T09:27:00.000-05:00

"I would gladly kiss you Tuesday for a referral today!" I dunno why I keep saying this to myself over and over. Bargaining. For some reason I find myself waiting for the referral akin to Wimpy asking for a burger. I am now having conversations with the phone, asking it to ring. This is not a good sign of my mental health. I don't remember if Wimpy gets his burger or not, but a lot of the images I found had him holding one, so maybe it all works out in the end.

nothing yet

2006-03-15T22:19:00.000-05:00

Quick post- no referral, no real news. And tomorrow is another day!

Love for the BCIS

2006-03-13T17:08:00.000-05:00

Quick update before I jump down and answer the comments- BCIS called (yes, we have been able to get their number and have been communicating with them via phone for a while) and let us know our 171 is on the way! Yay! We were very worried because of Tom's name change. He changed his last name to mine when we married and when they received our application, they called us to request more information on the name change. Tom spent most of last week on the phone with them, trying to figure out if we needed to go to court or if the name change was legal. We were the first couple to go through that office with that specific situation, so they pulled our file and started working on it. They had no idea what tneeded to be done, and what was legal in that situation. I guess they found out from the state that it WAS legal for a man to change his name when marrying (without needing to go to court) and processed our application. I guess sometimes being a little different is a good thing :) This makes the whole wait-for-referral much easier. Well, maybe not MUCH. But the 171 is a gift, for sure. Now we'll have everything we need for the adoption, except Cupcake.

And here we go again...

2006-03-13T07:56:00.000-05:00

It's Monday morning. The phone just rang. No news, but the heart started thumping. Welcome to another five days of wondering...

Now in Theaters: Headless Baby Mannequin!

2006-03-12T12:39:00.000-05:00

I tried to find an image online of *something* we bought yesterday, but couldn't. Instead, I found several of these: outfits modeled on headless baby mannequins. I don't understand why they just couldn't make a little generic androgynous HEAD, even if it had no face. A round sphere, maybe. I mean, there are hands and feet, but no head? I dunno, that just creeped me out. So yes, I went shopping. I couldn't wait any longer. I finally gave in and let myself buy some clothes for Cupcake. Once we were at the outlet stores, I couldn't NOT buy her things. I got a size 6-9 months because I am guessing she'll be around that age when she gets home. I know she'll be tiny, but I couldn't get myself to buy anything smaller. Not yet- after we get her referral I might. There were *so* many nice things. We got the bulk of stuff at Carter's, and if we need anything else, that's where we will be going- the rest of the stores (Osh Kosh, Children's Place, etc) had less comfortable stuff that didn't light my fire. Half the dresses at Children's Place that I coveted online were made from a horrible scratchy material and had CRINOLINES. Gah!! They haven't eliminated those yet?? That's fine for the holidays or a wedding, but not for hanging around the house! I mean, if a baby sat on the floor with half those dresses, her head would get lost in the puffy crunchy skirt! A lot of the stuff had little STUPID trendy sayings, like "Hot Mama" or "Hot Stuff", or the very worst "Mommy's Little PRINCESS" and "Spoiled Rotten!", etc. I really don't want my kid wearing shirts that look like something a sleazy 15 year old mallrat might wear. Are newborns supposed to get navel rings right after their stump falls off now or something? Ugh. I prefer the little pairs of sweats and t-shirts with cats and ducks and diasies on them. Sundresses. Sunsuits. Rompers. Things with silly names. I guess I'm boring and old fashioned, but the whole princess craze really irritates me. I know that kids pick out what *they* like, but I am going to try and avoid exposing Cupcake to the Disney princesses until she gets old enough to find out about them herself. I just hate that stuff. What happened to generic whimsical drawings? Everything is all princesses and rhinestones (a onesy does not need rhinestones!!), sparkles and hot pink. I'm sure we'll have more than enough of that when she gets older- I'm going to try and keep her in the old-fashioned, non-branded baby stuff for as long as we can. Photos of the stash to come ASAP- it's all at my parents place because we just have no room to store the clothes here.

Grouchy McGrouchington

2006-03-10T00:13:00.000-05:00

So, anyway... no referral. We got more information and the delay is legit, so I can't be angry. However, I reserve the right to be grouchy. And I am definitely within my rights to be crabby. I sort of feel like Charlie Brown in his dejected phase, walking around, kicking at imaginary rocks, scuffing the toes of my shoes. I know that's incredibly dramatic and stupid, but it's been a long day, and knowing that the phone may not ring until next week isn't comfort. I've come to despise the weekends. You know, I feel fine at night- I've sat with the emotions all day and I'm okay with it. But waking up every morning is hard because for some reason I go through the disappointment all over. I don't get that. Sleeping is supposed to make things better, not reset negative feelings. And it's not helping that the phone has been ringing really early every day and waking us both up- we both leap out of bed, expecting the call to be The Call. We're always angry at the caller for not being the agency. Which isn't nice, but I must admit, the morons who call from The Police Advancement League (telemarketers that are unrealted to any law enforcement group in this country) deserve a little crankiness.

Pregnant Pause...

2006-03-07T16:16:00.000-05:00

I forgot to mention this in my earlier entry... Last night we went out for some Mexican food and we had a lovely waiter who was very nice. After dinner, he handed us the bill, and then went back to the desk for another mint for me. Because, as he said, I'm "eating for two." (If he brought me two burritos, I wouldn't have minded as much...) Um, as far as I know, I'm not pregnant (at least not in the traditional sense.) We did talk a bit about the baby over dinner, and Tom claims that the waiter most likely overheard us and made the assumption I was pregnant. But I think the combination of my big sundress and my slouchy posture made me look like I'm "with child". Let me tell you, that did NOT boost my ego. Today I'm back in running shorts and a little t-shirt. Sundresses are ultra comfy, but I don't feel like LOOKING pregnant when I'm not. Ugh. I guess it's really time to drop those last ten pounds. GRRRRRRR.

waiting...

2006-03-07T09:37:00.000-05:00

Well, we got in touch with the BCIS, and they needed three forms- a tax return, some sort of permission to photocopy thing (?), and a request for legal proof of Tom's name change. The first two are easy, the last one is involving a bit of research. We made it clear to the BCIS that we would go to court RIGHT NOW and get the stuff we need for that, but they've asked us to hold off so they can do research. In Florida, it's legal that a man can change his name during marriage, the same as a woman can, without going to court. So BCIS wants to figure it out with us because they think that there might be more couples in the future in a similar situation. They promised it wouldn't hold up our file, and at least the woman in charge of it all *knows* us now, and knows our name and file. At least, that's how I am trying to think of it! In this past week I tried to catch up on "real world" stuff that I sort of abandoned when we started this adoption. I sort of thought if I walked away from the computer, the news might come. The ol' "watched pot never boils" theory. I lurked around all my favorite journals, though. I can't give *that* up! Let me just say that I'm still incredibly behind in real world stuff. But at least I got my hands dirty, and my work table is once again filled with things in progress rather than being empty and clean. I need to mail out a few orders, start seriously on my spring collection. Today was supposed to be referral day. We've had a few of these in the last month, but they were mostly hinted at. This is the first definite date that our agency told us to circle on our calendar. Apparently there is a staff member that returned from Vietnam on Sunday with not only updated photos and health files for the families who have already received a referral, but new referrals for some of the other families. We're in the latter group. Unfortunately, it looks like the staff member still has not returned, so it will be a few more days. I am completely and utterly raw inside from this. Yesterday was the worst day so far- I vacillated between wanting to cry and wanting to vomit all day. For the first time, I dreamed of adoption all night. I guess it's sort of a relief to know it's not coming today instead of hoping all day, but still... I wish I could just turn it off for a few days. Because I know people will ask today, and I just don't feel like saying "not yet. Maybe later." I feel horrible writing this, though. I know some of you have been waiting a VERY long time for your own referral, so four months is cake. When I say that I honestly wish that you guys could get your referral, or finally travel to bring home the child you have been matched with, I mean it. This waiting business is completely sucktastic. But I have the very best people with me in this waiting room ;)

arghhhhh 171 issues

2006-03-02T15:19:00.000-05:00

We called the BCIS in Miami today to find out the status of our application. We were told we're "missing some documents" and a letter had gone out today to tell us what we needed to provide them with. This either has to do wiith my husband changing his last name to mine or the fact that all our documents have the address of the new house on it and the FRICKIN' BUILDERS STIL HAVEN'T FINISHED. We were absolutely, 100%, no doubt, CONTRACTUALLY supposed to be in by January 1st. It is now March 2nd. They haven't done a SINGLE THING on the house in two weeks. To say I am furious is an understatement. The interest on our homebuilding loan shot up as soon as we passed the one year mark. We're going to have to reschedule all our furniture deliveries, which won't be easy. And now this may be affecting our adoption. I really couldn't care less about anything else, but if it delays the arrival of Cupcake, I will be crushed.

LiveDrama

2006-03-02T12:12:00.000-05:00

First and foremost- nothing new. My agency is back in full swing after the retreat they went on, and they are working towards traveling to Vietnam in the middle of this month. I am hoping that when they are in Vietnam, they'll finally bring home their license so we can get on the Embassy website. I've spent the last few days working on some stuff for the animal shelter I work with. We recently became our own non-profit (we were a sister group for another animal rescue org) and so there's a ton of work and advocacy and fundraising that needs to be done. I'm very excited about it- I love love love my work at the shelter. It'll be wonderful if we can do more for the animals we rescue, maybe expand to taking in cats that people surrender. Right now we only have resources for abandoned/stray cats and kittens- we currently don't have an open door policy for people to come in and give up their cats. I have MAJOR issues with the idea of people giving up their animals, ESPECIALLY after a child comes into the family, but I'll avoid getting into that for now. I would love to be able to do something for those poor animals, since I believe that they are just as deserving as a good home as the kittens we work with. IThat's all for now. Today I have OFF so I am very excited to read my email and catch up on stuff around here. I am soooo behind on everything. I am so bad at time management, and I am truly terrified about what I'm going to do when Cupcake arrives. My priority will be her, but I hope when she's asleep or with Tom or my parents, I use that time to do things I love, instead of schlumping on the couch, which seems all I am capable of as of late.

Ring, damnit - Ring!

2006-02-27T23:42:00.000-05:00

No news. Well, my agency is back from vacation and they've told us to keep our pants on, that things might happen next week. (The keeping pants on was my remark, not my agency's...) Next Tuesday will mark one month since we've been told our referral might be in the works. So on we go. All our documents are officially gone- our dossier is at the agency and our I600 has been in Miami for over a week. Today is a Monday. Mondays are both really exciting and really horrible now that we're adopting. Exciting because as of Sunday night, our time, Vietnam is back to work, and maybe the fine folks who are involved in the adoption process over there might be looking at our file, putting together information, and faxing/emailing it to our agency. I'm assuming no one is in the office at 10pm Sunday night to receive the file, so on Monday morning, I get a little hopeful that the phone might ring. I start starting at it around 7am, hopeful. As the hours go by, I get a little angry with it. By noon, I pretty much know it's not going to because if our agency had information, we would have heard by now. And the offices in Vietnam are closed for the day. I wish everyone well, walk away from the phone, and wait for Tuesday morning. For some reason I feel like things might happen on a Monday. That seems like a really good referral day. I don't know how the referrals come- via email or snail mail. I think we'll get a call, then maybe an email, and then a larger packet will get snail mailed. Our agency is only an hour away, so I'm sure we'll jump in the car and drive up for anything they have for us. Friday afternoons are the worst- by 4pm you know there's at least 48 hours until you can start hoping and waiting again. Normally I despise the phone, and run in the other direction when it rings. But lately, I've been running to the phone. I still run away when the agency's number isn't on the caller ID, though.

adoption zen part two

2006-02-22T14:31:00.000-05:00

So I'm back in "adoption zen" mode. After having an incredibly emotional day yesterday, in which I argued with both my husband and my mom, I sat in bed last night and tried to figure out what the heck was going on with me and why I was so upset. I realized just how much I was counting on a referral this week (whether it was realistic or not- mostly NOT), and I decided I needed to really cool it. I'm basing EVERYTHING on hearing news, and that's wrong. I can't give my entire life to this process- it's not asking that of me, and I'm just investing all my emotion, my ability to think and feel and just exist, in whether or not the phone rings. That's just stupid because there's plenty going on right now that I can spend time thinking about and working on. There's no reason to just drown in anxiety and anticipation when this is not a "yes or no" thing anymore. It's now a "when" thing. And that's just not worth getting myself into a heartbroken tizzy over. I'm getting myself all worked up for very little reason. There's going to be a lot more emotional rollarcoaster-ing in the coming months (especially when Tom travels to Vietnam to get Cupcake!) and I need to sort of try and keep it together until then. I'm back to hoping the referral comes after we are done with the paperwork and after we get our C.O. for the house. Why? Because if I see Cupcake's picture now, I won't be able to wait. I will *have* to wait, but I think I might go absolutely bonkers. Right now I am calmly hoping it comes much closer to travel, and that she doesn't have to spend months and months in the orphanage as we wait for travel approval and for the 171. So back to day by day. The last time I said this, the phone rang with news that a referral might be on the way. I'm glad my agency is out this week- at least I know if that phone does ring, it won't be news of Cupcake. *hugs* to everyone- I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to be going through this with. I now understand how the adoption process brings so many people together. I'm blessed to have all of you in my life.

Vacation... all I ever wanted

2006-02-21T15:45:00.000-05:00

"Can't seem to get my mind off of you Back here at home there's nothin' to do..." Well, actually, there is plenty to do. I just can't keep my mind on any of it. Our agency (who is run by a family) went on a well deserved vacation this week. I guess things are going to start picking up next week (I HOPE!!) and they decided to get away before things got busy. I'm delighted for Lori, and hope she and her family have a great time relaxing and getting away from all of our neediness. She deserves it- she's a saint. I hope she's going to a spa or something blissful. HOWEVER, I must admit that I emitted a long, mournful wail when I read the email. Like an emu lost in the forest (do emus make noise or get lost in forests?) A one week vacation means no referrals are expected. If referrals arrive unexpectedly, no one will be there to distribute them. Our Santa Claus of adoption has gone to the North Pole, and there are no gifts under the tree for any of us while she's away. Hopefully next Monday morning will bring much joy. In the meantime, I am using all my Adoption Process Energy to focus on my friends who are awaiting license announcements, referrals, everything. May you have a wonderful week full of the most amazing surprises.

no news, so I make plans

2006-02-16T22:57:00.000-05:00

There's no news on the referral front- most likely we have a while left to wait. That's fine- what's meant to be is meant to be. So, I am making shopping plans in the meantime. See, I am pretty reserved with stuff for me- I spend most of my money on art supplies and stuff for the house. I'm a sundress kind of girl- it gets too hot to do much more down here. For Cupcake, however, I can already feel that there's going be a challenge in restraining myself from buying ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I am very grateful that clothes come in "jumble sizes" (3-6 months, etc.) so I am not tempted to buy every single outfit I love in every single size. And all the shoes... Shoes shoes shoes. I used to say that I wouldn't ever put a baby in anything but one-sies and overalls and comfy stuff, but I am already eyeing bows for hair and dresses and little socks (Tom don't panic, I won't get any bows that need to be glued onto our daughter's head. Just the ones that clip. And headbands.) I think my mother will be very pleased. But no white tights- I remember scratchy white tights from when I was a baby and I'm not going to subject Grace to that. Plus, it's Florida. We have an incredibly huge outlet center an hour north, and that's where I will be headed. I scanned the VERY LONG list of stores. I've never heard of half of those, actually. Of course, I zero in on the usuals - Crabtree and Evelyn, Polo, anything with the word "chocolate" in it... So where did you get YOUR baby clothes from? From what I have seen, both in previews and on the babies, there are some sharp dressers in the bunch. So fess up. Cupcake needs to keep up with all the cool kids! Oh, and are there only 20 songs that Olympic skaters use? I'd love to see them skate to something a little less Easy Listening Favorites.

gulp

2006-02-15T19:34:00.000-05:00

Someone from my agency just got a referral. They come in bunches, so I am really anxious now... *relax* *deep breath*

rocks

2006-02-14T21:23:00.000-05:00

So today we had the landscaping meeting at the House Forever Under Construction. I felt kinda bad because the landscaper is a friend of the family and came armed with a beautiful sketch of what he thought the best landscaping choices would be for us, and I didn't like it. See, here in Florida, there are palm trees EVERYWHERE. I don't like palm trees all that much. I miss real trees, with real leaves that come out of real branches and all flutter in the breeze. Trees you can hang a swing from, trees you can climb without needing a big spike coming out of the front of your shoes. I also don't like tropical green bushes with tiny red and yellow leaves that PRETEND to be flowers. I like gardenias and flowers that smell. Pretty and colorful and lush and REAL. Finally, there was the rock issue. See my parents, born and bred in NY (Astoria to Lawn Guyland) have a thing about rocks instead of grass. If you have rocks on your lawn and around your backyard instead of grass, there's no mowing. Spice it up with some bushes that need no trimming. Flowers are no good because they die and their dead petals must be swept up. Do you know what it was like to try and have a little girl picnic on ROCKS? When it snowed, I had a hell of time trying to sled down the ROCK lawn. My snowballs had the potential to kill someone because ROCKS were mixed in. If you were playing around on the "lawn" and fell, instead of a green grass stain on your knees, you'd get a gash that required a trip to the emergency room. Needless to say, I want grass. Flowers. No pointy manicured hedges. NO ROCKS, no gravel. And no tropical. Old fashioned plants and grass and trees. Maybe some old fashioned birds (not the tropical scary kind we have down here that carry off cats) will come and visit. The other issue is the damn septic tank- it's under our front yard and the new regulations do not allow them to be buried. So our front lawn is kinda scary- it goes straight to the street and then drops off two feet to the sidewalk, no slope. It looks like a big stage from the street. Every time I think of it I see Cupcake toddling and toddling and then dropping right off the edge. So we need to do something, maybe some sort of hedge-y thing or something. Something that prevents a child from wanting to barrel through it. So landscaping must be worked on further. Takes my mind off SHOPPING!

homestudy is underway!

2006-02-13T15:31:00.000-05:00

We got good news today- our final background check thing-y arrived in our Social Worker's mail today and she will have our written homestudy by Wednesday for us to read and correct. Then it's off to the agency and to the state of Florida along with the last bits and pieces of our dossier. Thankfully, they are allowing us to send a photo of us looking spiffy (instead of shocked and sullen as in our passport photos) to Vietnam. Reason number 73729090qqqqqqqqqqqqI why we need to move out of this condo AS SOON AS POSSIBLE: This horrible sound was what woke us up this morning. Nothing like a drill/jackhammer in cement to start your day off in optimism and good cheer. The building's roof was severly damaged in hurricane Wilma, and they are finally getting around to replacing it. Of course, the work starts just before we move out, meaning we have to pay the assessment. Oh well. I leave you with a picture of another of our "children"- this is Jack, one of our leopard geckos. Click on the photos for full size images. Our awesome exotic vet (we also have two parrots) gave Jack and his girlfriend, Janet, to us for my birthday a few years ago. They are around 10-11 years old, and don't do much but sleep and look for food, but I am entertained by them. By the way, geckos should NOT have pot bellies. Yes, we like animals.

talking shop

2006-02-12T22:51:00.000-05:00

One thing I am starting to have a teensy problem with is not shopping for Cupcake. I promised myself from day one that I wouldn't get a thing for her until I saw her photo and found out her age. So no goodies until referral. Avoiding nursery stuff is easy- we're not in the house, and we have no place to put any furniture or bedding, etc. But the other stuff- dresses, shoes, stuffed animals, toys. It changes every week- this week it's dresses. I want to buy dresses for Cupcake. Nope, not gonna do it. The one good thing about living in Retirement Land, Florida, is that we are in the midst of many huge outlets centers. So the minute that photo comes, and I find out what size she'll be... release the hounds!!

terror sets in

2006-02-08T10:48:00.000-05:00

When we started this process in December, and made the very big decision *not* to go with China (which we had planned and researched and had our hearts set on), but to go with Vietnam (which was new and somewhat unknown but very very appealing- it seemed "meant to be..."), my one wish was that Cupcake would be here by Christmas 2006. That's all I wanted. None of us knew when licenses would be granted, what agencies would be working in Vietnam, what ages the children would be, and how long the process would take. We assumed it would take a year. And that seemed just fine. For the last eight weeks, I have been slowly moving the date up. I started being adventurous on our registry but putting in "October". Then I changed it to "August". Then I put "May" on our Amazon registry. Yesterday we got word that things are happening way faster than anyone expected, that anything can happen anytime. All day long, I was on edge, hoping they would. Nevermind that we're not in the house yet, our homestudy hasn't been finished, that we don't have the 171 yet. I just started hoping for magical news. Thinking I was totally ready. Wrong. Last night reality set in. It's not time yet. We have a lot to do. We need to move into the house, spend a few months just LIVING in the house so we understand what it's all about. Start new routines and adjust our old ones. Then we need to start working on the nursery, preparing for a baby. We are nowhere near ready. Cupcake will come when she's ready, and if that's sooner rather than later, that's fine. We'll make it work. But until she arrives, there is a lot to get done. I need to stop hoping that time would speed up and just relax and enjoy the time we have until she comes. Everything is going to change, and when I started recognizing that it wasn't going to be "current life plus baby", but a brand new chapter to our lives, it made me really, really frightened, and suddenly grateful for this waiting period. Hopefully the house will get done soon so we can get in there and start our lives as homeowners, understand what that entails, and be realistic about what we expect from ourselves as parents AND adults. I've been living in fantasy land, imagining Cupcake here. Just slipping in. It's a whole new world, and I need the next few months to learn how to live in it. So instead of imagining how she's going to feel in my arms, how she's going to smell, how she's going to laugh and gurgle, I need to imagine us together later in the year.

Dossier to Agency

2006-02-05T10:47:00.000-05:00

We sent off our dossier to our agency yesterday. We haven't gotten the magically delicious 171 yet, and our homestudy is not done being written (she's still waiting on one more police clearance form), but we're done with everything *we* can do. I am hoping that our agency can start working on translation, so when we do get the magical 171, we can just send it right off. I gotta tell you- if I were to advise anyone on one single important thing to expediting the process, it would be to GET A GREAT SOCIAL WORKER. If you have the extra cash, go outside your agency (no matter what they tell you) ask around, and get your own social worker. They work for you, as opposed for the agency, so they really have a different attitude and want to get things done. We paid a couple hundred more than the average for our SW's services, but ours was SO fast and SO good to us. She sent us all the information we needed instantly, answered our emails and phone calls within an hour or so of sending them, and had our in-person appointment scheduled right after we sent in our contract to her (it was within a few weeks, and she was stalling to give us time to move, which didn't happen). She also writes the homestudy within a week of the in-person. I think if we didn't have this moving nonsense, we would have been DTV now, and that's after starting this whole kit-and-caboodle in mid-December. I'm going to go nuts promoting her (and our agency) when we get DTV, but for privacy right now, I'm not comfortable with it. Referrals are starting to come in. Tiny little weeny adorable babycakes. Little tiny hands and feet in big diapers. beautiful eyes and skin. I am just so excited for everyone. Yesterday I kept tearing up thinking about how this time next year, our adoption blogs will be baby blogs, and instead of text about The Process, there will be pictures of all our little ones. A year seems like forever, but I'm trying to remember that it really isn't that far away.

not terrible...

2006-02-04T09:12:00.000-05:00

Our passports arrived! One step further... we are now sending our complete dossier (minus 171) to our agency so they can begin translating it as we have everything we need for it. The homestudy will start as soon as our SW received a form from the state, and she said ti will take about a week or so for her to write. So things are rolling. Slowly, but at least I know we are truly done with all our steps. You know, I have to admit I'm not that offended by the standard ignorant questions/comments that some other adoptive parents have a difficult time with. I get a lot of what are generally considered "off limits" questions and comments: - How much will it cost? - Will she be healthy? - How do you know it will be the same baby they tell you it is? - You're doing such a good thing, bringing her here so she can have a good life. (This one makes me wince, I admit- but I always answer "NO- we are truly the lucky ones." It usually results in a pause, and a "yes, you are right...") I think I am okay with all of these questions and comments because I am just so grateful that people are speaking their mind and asking their questions instead of just keeping quiet. Why? Because when you have a physical disability NO ONE EVER MENTIONS IT. They stare, they skirt around it, they pretend they don't notice. I have a beautiful cane that I use to walk, and people comment on that, but then they look at me in horror and say something like "oh, I didn't mean I liked that you needed to use a cane!" It's so heartbreaking after livingg with this for 31 years. JUST ASK ME. PLEASE!! I would love to tell you why I have a little limp. Why I need a cane to balance. Why I wear my Nikes all the time, even to my wedding. So I'd much rather people ask what they are thinking. On the other hand, what I do despise and hate with every ounce of my soul are people who ANNOOUNCE their views on adoption and child raising. Without being asked. Or tell you what they think. Or ask "why not American?' Today I got this in a "supportive mom community"

You are going to be denying a child her culture and identity. You have already named her. Have you thought about fostering an abandoned teenager in your own country? Many mothers are coerced into giving up their children because they are too 'young' or 'poor' which I don't agree with. With international adoption they are torn away from their country and culture because middle class white people assume they can give them 'a better life'. I don't believe they are necessarily getting a better life, it is just an assumption that you can give them so much more than they could get elsewhere without realising what you are taking away from them. Also, picking and choosing to your tastes kind of sickens me. I think that if someone really wants to do anything they should foster a teenager from their own country who's been abused and living on the streets. Children should have choices. There are so many homeless teenagers in your own country who you could feed and give a place to sleep ya know? That said, I don't believe in domestic adoption either, only fostering. So many teen and working class mothers etc in your country are coerced into giving up their babies for adoption. As an ex streetkid and a working class, young mother I see and have experienced a side of the fence that all the middle class, married couples who adopt don't see. They just feel they are 'doing some kid right' without giving the child any choices or the child's parents.

You know what? A big ol' Fuck You is in order. This 20 year old thinks she's a progressive hip mama, but she knows nothing. The most ironic thing is that she's a lesbian- you'd think she would know something about being judged without knowing the facts. Having people make very wrong assumptions about you. So yeah, with crap like that, I'd much rather deal with the silly questions. At least they are asking out of curiosity, and not TELLING out of pure hate and ignorance.

passport, check; blood tests, check

2006-02-01T23:38:00.000-05:00

Todayy the post office attempted to deliver my passport to the house (which is still in progress). We did put up a junky mailbox there for adoption document purposes, but they never leave anything in it but junk mail. I gotta say having three different addresses is worrying me. First, there's my parents' address, which is on my license and where things like bills and stuff get mailed. When I changed state residency back in 1995, when I was still in college, I registered my address as my parents' because that's the only address I had for this state- my "real" address was a dorm room in Atlanta. In 1999, I moved down here to Florida, and bought the condo where we currently live, which is a block away from my parents- it's a TINY town. For some reason (maybe because it's dark and dreary and humid) I was thinking/hoping/praying that I wouldn't be here for long, so I still had all my "important" documents mailed to my parents' address. I've been here six years, two of which have been planning the completion/move into the house, and I just never thought to get the address changed. I just go over to my parents' every so often to get my mail, and I do all my financial stuff online. And now there is the house address, which HOPEFULLY will be our actual residence by the time we are DTV. So my license and bills say one address, my passport and adoption documents say the house address, and some of the homestudy and other documents say THIS (the condo) address. Our SW is doing the homestudy under this address and then adding an addendum to it for the new house, but I'd REALLY rather I just had one single address throughout this process. That, in combination with my husband changing his last name when we married, scares me. Figures we'd complicate things on top of the already complicated process of adoption. It's what we do best. yes, indeedy.

there w0uldn‚t be anyone to rule the wor1d

2006-02-01T05:45:00.000-05:00

You *know* it's ignorant is SPAMMERS are bringing it up:

From: "Palazzacci" To: ----- Subject: Problems with fertility function? Before adopting a child, think of taking Spermamax. Date: Wed, 1 Feb 2006 01:59:26 -0800 (PST) Imagine what could happen 1f the kings weren‚t abIe t0 father. Now there w0uldn‚t be anyone to rule the wor1d. And the civ1Iiz@tion would have died many centur1es ago. Maybe they used herbs that are enclosed in Spermamax and thus had no problems with fertility function. Maybe this can be a way out for you too. Spermamax improves not only your sperm quantity but also its quality. The kids are our future, Spermamax will help you produce them. http://proslimd.info/sm/?NIqy9Y

Uh, maybe if the kings adopted instead of constantly inbreeding their relatives, their empires would have worked out in the end. Just a thought...

proving them wrong

2006-01-31T13:21:00.000-05:00

Quick note before we take off for fingerprinting- I can't wait until Grace arrives so I can prove to all the ignorant morons out there that adoption ISN'T a second choice, and adoptive children as just as desirble (if not more so, as in our case!!) as biological children. I can't wait to prove adoptive parents can do just as good a job than bio parents when it comes to raising their kids. If not BETTER!* I can't wait to prove that adoption ISN'T a negative thing, for the child or the family. That it's different, but not WORSE. That a child can be proud of where she's from AND where she is. Why does giving birth hold so much power in our society? It's not like my daughter just appeared out of the sky- she had the same start as every other baby on this planet. It just wasn't inside my body. And that really means zero to me. I can't wait to prove that what does matter is that families are created and cultivated, no matter what the biological origins of the child are. Love grows in the heart, not the womb. I'm not stupid- I know there will be challenges, discussions, some hard times and confusion for our daughter. But the bottom line is we CHOSE this way to grow our family, and we never once thought that biological was better. She will know this, we will remind her every day. And that just because Grace didn't grow inside me doesn't mean we will love her ANY different. Yeah, maybe I haven't adopted vs. given birth. But I refuse to believe there is an inherent difference which will affect the way a parent looks at her child. Just because my blood does not flow inside my daughter and my genes didn't form her physical appearance does not mean that my heart doesn't belong to her, fully and completely; that a part of me doesn't live inside her, and her me. As often as people think we're missing out by not having a biological child, I truly believe they are missing out by not adopting. (* I don't mean people who are actually GOOD parents, I mean the people that make a baby without care and treat that child like it's just another of their possessions.)

Fingerprints

2006-01-30T22:26:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow we travel across the state to get fingerprints taken. After that, everything else is sort of in everyone else's hands- the final referral letter, the homestudy, the results of the blood tests, and then the famous 171-H. Want. Things. Done. Now. Want. To. Be. DTV. NOW!!!!!!! *ahem* sorry about that. Once a day I have a little freak out in my head where I can't possibly deal with waiting anymore. Then it goes away and I deal. So I'm dealing. How are YOU dealing?

Happy New Year!

2006-01-29T16:13:00.000-05:00

Happy Tet/Lunar New Year! For a bunch of us, this day will become more significant than the Western version of "New Year". I certainly plan on making a huge deal of it after Cupcake arrives- not only because it is significant in Asia, but also because I am going to use any excuse to dress Cupcake up and have a party for her! We didn't do much for Tet this year (not feeling well and we are both so worn out from this chaos of the last two months...), but next year I am going to try really hard to do some of the rituals that are part of the holiday- cleaning the house, decorating with yellow blossoms, painting something within the house (maybe Cupcake and I can do some sort of annual Tet mural when she gets older?), paying debts, getting new clothing and shoes for the day, and reminding my parents to give Cupcake a red envelope. Cupcake will most likely be born fairly soon, in the Year of the Dog.

"Noble and true, the Dog will fight to mend all that is unjust. A loyal and faithful friend, Dogs make any sacrifice for the sake of another. They will never abandon their post. A genuine listener and confidant, the Dog is the keeper of all secrets."

Today I'm just thinking of my resolutions for the next year... my biggest one is to slow down, to pay more attention, to do everything in a thoughtful, considerate, mindful way. That's almost impossible from this girl who was born and raised in NY, but I am going to do my best to try.

agency and guilt

2006-01-27T11:58:00.000-05:00

I feel guilty- we were supposed to make the trip over to the East Coast for fingerprints today, but when I woke up I was so exhausted that we didn't go. It's not like we are on a deadline (we'll go Tuesday) but I feel like I'm letting Cupcake down. Things we are waiting for/still have to do: - fingerprints - one referral letter - blood test results Tom had a LONG talk with our agency this morning and I'm more convinced than ever we have made a good decision. I was so stupid to listen to that crap on the mailing lists. What I should have done was called our agency right up and talked about what I was worried about and gotten answers to my new questions. Here's the deal. A few years ago, we saw "An Adoption Story" on TV and saw an agency close to where we lived, and really liked them. We did research, found out what the agency was called, and decided when we were going to adopt, that agency would be on our list. We assumed the agency was named ABCD (not naming because of privacy reasons) because that's what we found when we did the research. Fast forward to December, when we were looking at agencies and re-discovered the agency (ABCD) we saw way back in 2002. They listed a Vietnam program on their site, so we decided to go with them. We did all the research and they checked out. Turns out our "agency" only has their own Guatamala program, run under the name of ABCD, but all five other programs (Vietnam, China, India, and two others I forgot) are actually run by another HUGE, well-respected agency in Washington DC that has a sterling record. The woman we have been working with is actually a coordinator/Florida director for that big agency, and the big agency is fully licensed to have an office in Florida, which the woman we have been working with runs. We are basically working with the big agency and have Lori as our case coordinator. There's no umberella-ing or anything. She runs her own Guatamala program under the name ABCD, but everything else is run under the other agency, and that's where we got confused about what agency we were with and possibly being with an umbrella agency. We're not- we're with the Florida office of HUGE agency. We also found out this morning that the huge agency has their own office and full staff in Vietnam, so there is no "facilitator" to worry about. For the first two years of the Vietnam program, all families will be accompanied the entire trip by the Vietnam staff to ensure everything goes smoothly. If there are any issues, there is an entire staff to ensure that things get straightened out. Both orphanages that they have a license to work with are in northern Vietnam, near Hanoi. One of the orphanges is full of newborns at the moment, so Lori assured us that our dossier would most likely be sent there and she would make sure we got a match in the age/sex we are hoping for. She explained it's really good to have a big age range on our forms in case we got there, and something was wrong with the baby we were assigned, and we fell in love with an 18 month old we met in the orphanage. It's happened, so we will have permission to adopt that child. I still want a baby baby, but you never know what might happen- I mean, three months ago we were sure we were going to adopt from China. So I am once again confident and happy that we found the right agency. Lesson from this- do your research, and if you have any doubts, ask questions. Don't believe everything you read...

how long did HER referral take?

2006-01-26T23:01:00.000-05:00

So, Meg Ryan adopted a baby girl from China. Is it wrong that my first thought was "How long did *she* have to wait between DTC and referral?" Followed by "Did she fill out her own dossier? Did she even have to fill one out? She better have gone through the process, like the rest of us. I bet she got a 2 month old. That's one less baby for the rest of us. What nerve!" Yes, I am a jaded pre-adoptive parent. Pleased to meet you.

attachment parenting. yikes.

2006-01-25T22:24:00.000-05:00

Homestudy details: It went well. Our SW said we were very in depth with our bios and questions/answer forms so she didn't need to go over too much with us. She basically asked us if we were prepared and why we wanted to adopt. I guess a huge part of the interview is talking about bio babies vs. adopted babies and the parents' true feelings about it all. Since adoption is our first and only choice, we skipped over that part. I pretty much got up and did a dance about how excited we were over an international adoption (well, no dancing, but fast talking! with a lot of exclamation points!!) One thing we learned is that we are going to have to attachment parent, whether we want to or not. I've sort of been a little scared of that. I've seen good and bad examples of it (good being my friends' children, bad being a family friend's 17 year old who is a complete violent maniac, in trouble with the law and used to getting his way) and I wanted to play it by ear, and figure it out as we went along. Our plan was that we'd evaluate each situation (sleeping, eating, playing, etc.) and see how Cupcake reacted to each. We didn't want to overwhelm her by being ON her all the time, staring at her and just being too intense and adoring and scary. But because adopted children have a serious fear of being abandoned, and have been ripped apart from every single person they have bonded to (their birthmother, their caregivers in the orphanage, their crib mates, etc.) they start getting afraid to bond. They basically come here with no knowledge of us, and have no real INTEREST in us. So we, as parents, have to bond to the child, and prove to them that they can count on us, that we will be there for them. We have to do the work for parent and child. In the orphanage, the babies get used to no one being there for them when they need it- when they are hungry, no one feeds them, when they get scared, no one soothes them, when they get hurt, no one comforts them. So we have to do the opposite. We have to be there constantly for the first few months until she really believes that we are not going to leave her. So I need to get a sling and basically "wear" Cupcake. That's fine, because I'm somewhat clumsy and tend to use my hands a lot. No one should feed, bathe, change, or do any huge caring for her in the first few weeks but Tom and me so Cupcake identifies us as her main caregivers. So my mom and dad and Tom's mom will have to take a backseat and basically baby us while we are caring for Cupcake. I don't know what my mom is going to think of that... Ironically, our social worker said attachment parenting can be tricky for biological children because the "pulling apart" stage (when they have to start sleeping on their own, making their own decisions, feeding themselves, soothing themselves) is so rough on the child and there haven't been a lot of theories on how to successfully make the transition. I can imagine that... but she pointed out that that difficult period of "detachment" is worth it for an adopted child because the attachment makes such a huge difference. So all new things to learn- I thought we would wing it and let Cupcake lead us in how she wanted to be cared for. Not anymore. I'm ready to embrace her from the first moment I see her and take charge. I'm a little nervous about that, but I really want her to bond and feel safe, so I guess I'll step up to the task and let my maternal urges come through. I hope they're in there somewhere. I hope I can do this right. One thing I'm a little concerned about is that we're being approved for a baby girl, ages birth-2 years. We are really hoping for an under one year old, so I hope the 2 year high end doesn't mean that's what we'll get. Sorry to all the toddlers out there, but I want a baby baby. I want to experience what it's like to have a baby under 15 pounds. So that was that. Next is fingerprints (maybe Friday?), getting results of blood tests and turning in Drs forms to SW, getting our last reference and turning that into SW, filling out one last form, and then waiting for INS to approve us. The end is in sight, but we still have a fair bit to go.

homestudy- done!

2006-01-25T19:46:00.000-05:00

Our homestudy went great. We talked for an hour or so, and that was that. This is the only meeting we are having- is that unusual? Does Vietnam require more meetings or is it your agencies?? Blood tests are done (I had to go in today for an addition test since they messed up one of my originals) and passport applications are FINALLY mailed. We actually ALMOST had a Passport Saga part IV, but we managed to avoid it by the skin of our teeth. See, when we got married, Tom changed his last name to mine. I wasn't willing to change my last name (if you knew my whole name, you'd get a kick out of it...) and he wanted us to have the same last name. He didn't want to hyphenate, so he changed his name. When we got to the office of the county clerk today, she insisted that his license and SS# weren't enough, that he had to go through the process for an official name change to go forward with a passport. I left to run home and get out checkbook. When I left, he was protesting- if women can do it, so can men, etc. According to the ACLU, blah blah blah (that always gets them). When I got back 15 minutes later, the two of them were friends and Tom had his application all filled out. So... I think that's okay. Now for fingerprints, the final odds and ends for our dossier, and waiting for the I-171. I'm a tiny bit concerned that our whole dossier process has been "easier" than most, and that we just aren't aware of what we need, even though we have followed our agency's instructions to the "T". I guess we need to call tomorrow and clarify... I'm wondering if things have been added to the process post- December and we just don't know about it.

nervous!

2006-01-25T17:18:00.000-05:00

Homestudy in approximately 11 minutes. I am so nervous! In some way I feel like lori (our SW) is bringing me my baby! I am so anxious to get the dossier in. After that, it's no longer up to us. And although the waiting will be hard, it'll be nice to know it could happen anytime, instead of waking up each day and knowing for sure we won't get any news. sooo nervous!

hesitant

2006-01-25T07:56:00.000-05:00

I'm getting hesitant to write in here because a few APV members have made some references to Cupcake in their unwelcome emails, and I feel like they are out there, wishing us not-so-well. backstory: I made the huge mistake of posting my opinion on APV about blackballing agencies. Why I thought a sensible, sincere, well-thought-out message might be read for what it was saying is beyond me. I got a ton of supportive email, but apparently the woman who immediately put me down about my opinion (my opinion: smaller agencies shouldn't be blackballed just because they are small and a mailing list shouldn't get to determine what agencies are "good" and "bad" unless there is proof that those agencies are violating policy and Vietnam's new rules...) has a group of people who take her word as gospel. Two people will not let the issue go, and even though I am ignoring them and their email is bouncing, they keep trying to MAKE SURE they get to me. I hate crap like that. I hate conflict. But what I hate more is that no matter how intelligent, thoughtful, and well-researched your posts are, and YOU are, if you are a prospective adoptive parent you can NEVER have an opinion on ANYTHING related to adoption. You are immediately shot down. Nothing you say can be valid unless you've been through it. I wish I had known that before I posted. Apparently in Vietnam adoption, you can't choose your own agency, you have to let a mailing list approve that choice. Even if Vietnam has licensed the agency you picked, and they have a wonderful record, it's not good enough unless the mailing list says it's okay by them. And I think that's wrong on so many levels. And that doesn't make me a proponent of unethical adoption, even though people are trying to build a bridge between the two. Anyway, now I feel somewhat haunted by these few people, and since this adoption is so important to me I'm a little nervous to post upcoming things (homestudy, fingerprinting, waiting for forms...) because I wonder if someone of those people aren't hoping that my adoption goes terribly wrong so that they can prove themselves right (we are using a small agency). I left the mailing list promptly, and am no longer engaged with these people in any way. But they keep harping on it. I normally couldn't care less what people think of me, but since this is about our child, it takes on a whole new level. And mentioning our child and "maybe this will come back to haunt your child", "maybe your child will get what she deserves" in their correspondence is crossing the line, in my opinion. Guess what? No matter how much you anger me, or insult me, I would never ever wish that anything happened to your child or your adoption. Ever. I may be "snarky", but I'm not evil.

passporting, Volume III; meme; noos

2006-01-23T21:11:00.000-05:00

Yes, there is another episode in the Passport Saga. After attending to morning stuff and then going to the house to meet with the flooring guys (very nice, so capable, such a refreshing change...), we finally got over to the passport office. The woman in Naples was right- the tiny government shack does do passports. Yay! Happy passport time. We got inside, got in line, patiently waiting our turn. The lady behind me had no concept of "personal space" and she kept shuffling forward, breathing on me, and sort of squishing the front of her cane on the heels of my shoes. I finally switched places with Tom and kept myself busy reading brochures about hunting, deciding which if the 6,000 Florida license plates I would choose if I didn't have my "Animal Friend" one, and giving myself eye tests until it was our turn. Yes, I like to check stuff out when I'm waiting for something. Finally, we were called up to the counter and when we said "passports!" the woman told us the county clerk was OUT TO LUNCH and wouldn't be back for an hour. Lather, rinse, repeat tomorrow. But I'm starting to get a little spooked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Our agency had their first referral today from Vietnam. It wasn't ours, of course, but it's excellent news. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I got picked for a meme- YAY! From the lovely Susan, over at Ric-Rac, who is expected to have one of THE FIRST REFFERALS FROM VIETNAM AND I CAN'T WAIT! Four jobs you have had in your life: -museum educator - website designer - jewelry designer - shopgirl at a candy store (I gained 10 pounds in a week- no joke.) Four Movies you would watch over and over: - Rushmore - Office Space - Life Aquatic - You've Got Mail Four Places You've Lived: - Port Jeff, NY - Atlanta, Georgia - Decatur, Georgia (my favorite) - here in Florida Four TV Shows you love to watch: - Lost - The Office - That's Clever - King of Queens Four websites I visit daily: - Local library - My Way News - Television Without Pity - Polymer Clay Daily Four of my favorite foods: - Cream of Wheat - Veggie Burgers at Cheesecake Factory - Hummus and Pita - Vegetable Korma and Nan Four places I'd rather be right now: - In the nursery of the new house, hanging out with Cupcake. - Anywhere my friends are. - Disney World (I admit, I like it there...) - in bed, reading. I'd tag people (Mary-Mia, CHEW, Sparky, etc.) but they've probably done this before and I think only Mary-Mia drops in! :) Laundry calls. g'night

adventures in passporting, part II

2006-01-20T20:29:00.000-05:00

So after our last episode, we were left with two sets of unattractive passport photos and nothing to show for it. We actually showed the photos to our friends who came to visit this past weekend, and my friend Lucy goes "These are the worst pictures I have ever seen of you. These are awful. You cannot send these to anyone in any country on this entire planet, because they will not let you have a baby. Really." We assured her that the pictures are only still in existence so we can show Cupcake. Not for official use. Considering Tom has a fancy SLR camera, we decided to stand in front of a white wall and take our own damn pictures. On a Good Hair Day (meaning it didn't look like a helmet), I practiced a few hundred "neutral smiles" in front of the mirror, found one I liked, carefully transported my body over to the wall (preserving the Good Neutral Smile) and Tom got the picture. Great! I got one of him, we don't look psycho. All is good. Third set of passport pictures and we're finally golden. I went to Walgreens this afternoon to get them printed out, planning on going to the government agency afterwards to officially apply for the damn passport and get this taken care of once and for all. I wandered over to the photo machines (after having picked up a bag of Twizzlers), inserted my digital camera card, and off I go. We've learned you can get 6 photos per print (instead of just the traditional two), eliminating the need for multiple prints and not costing us an arm and a leg. At $12 a print, you want to get as many photos on that damn rectangle that you can, especially when you have already blown over $60 on crummy passport photos you can't use. ANYWAY, I was doing fairly well, and then all the sudden one of the employees wandered over to me. She's very friendly. She's also very forward. She literally NUDGED me away from the machine and started pressing all sorts of codes and buttons. She "auto adjusted" our photos, transforming us from beige people against a white wall to sunburned aliens standing in front of a nuclear flash. Apparently "auto adjust" means amp up the contrast as high as it will go. Suddenly, I got very scared. I won't pay $120 for more unusable photos. I had to get away from the photo machine and this lady. I tried to talk my way out of it. First I told her I needed to have multiple copies, and she told me that she could print multiple copies, at $12 a pop. I need 10 copies of each photo? That's fine, she'll print out five copies of each, $120 total. Yikes! Then I lied a bit and told her it's not for a passport, but for something else. She rattled off a list of all possible uses for tiny crappy photographs- she KNOWS THEM ALL. I finally told her the photos are for adoption, and she informed me her sister in law just adopted from China and therefore she knows exactly what we need. Crap. Finally I lied again and told her that I needed to call the adoption agency to find out exactly what I needed. She said "oh, you can use our phone, here!!" I told her the number is in the car and she said "okay, I'll just stay here and hold the machine until you go out and make the call." I finally mumbled something, grabbed my card out of the machine, paid for my Twizzlers, and fled the store. By then, I was running late. The government center closed at 4:30pm, and I had 45 minutes to drive to Naples, find a CVS to print out the damn photos, and get into the administration building. I found a CVS, printed out the passport photos ALL BY MYSELF. 6-to-a-page, $7 each. $28, lovely. Zoomed over to the government center. Entered the Wal-Mart parking lot by mistake. Completed the maze that is the exit and got back on the road. I finally found the right street, but entered in the "exit only" lane, right in front of a cop. He didn't notice or just didn't have time. I parked my car, and hurried up to the office. I got up there, handed the papers over to the nice lady behind the desk, and took a deep breath. I did it! What's more, I was going to make my shift at the animal shelter. Then I heard: "may I see your birth certificate?" DAMNIT. Of course I didn't bring it. She looked over things, noticed that I live in the next city over, and then told me there is a passport office in our city. A block from our condo. So I never needed to make the 45 minute drive for this process. EVER. ... So on Monday, I will make the short drive to the tiny government shack a block away and get this all done. If I had known all this- don't go to UPS store for your photos, if you have a good camera take your own photos, print them at CVS and NOT Walgreens, bring the birth certificate with you, and drive a block- this would have been done weeks ago. I might have gotten a passport before this just because it would have been so easy. Well, maybe not, but you get the point. Oh well, at least I have a story for the baby book. Cause that's why I am doing all this- not to find my daughter, but to have funny stories to write in the baby book. I'm kidding. You know that, right? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In other adoption news, I got my blood tests today. The phlebotomist looked really annoyed when I politely pointed out the only vein that has worked from blood draws and IVs in the last twenty years. But after being stuck in my hand and wrist and all sorts of terribly horribly painful places for simple blood tests, I was in no mood for any screwing around. Plus, I had been fasting and I desperately wanted the banana I had in the car. She proceeded to inspect EVERY SINGLE VEIN in my arms and hands, trying to prove me wrong. Look, lady, when you have Spina Bifida, you know your body REAL well. She finally poked the vein I told her about, blood flew out into seven vials quickly. And that was that. Another day in adoption land. And it's all worth it.

Wishful Thinking?

2006-01-19T19:03:00.000-05:00

Good news- our agency got our license! So far, I am totally in love with our agency. I would love to tell you about them, but I won't do it here because I'm trying to keep some things private. So email me if you want to know. Check this out: Why such an early date? Because I keep hearing if you ask the universe for something, and give specifics, you can put things into action. So there's my request. I had to stop myself from typing in May, which is what I really want. And the date I put on the baby registry. I'm sort of torn about these things because I truly do feel like our child is already picked out, and we just have to be patient and wait for all of us to find our way to one another. Call me crazy, but I don't want to do anything (including make wishes, rush the process, etc.) that might possibly affect that- THAT's how strongly I feel about it. She'll come when it's right. It may drive me insane to wait, but she's on her way and I have to trust that. I guess no matter what I say, do, wish, etc., she'll come when she comes, and it will be Cupcake no matter what. We'll find one another, we'll end this search together. But I'm so scared because it feels so delicate and I don't want to do anything to injure it.

blargh

2006-01-18T15:29:00.000-05:00

Blargh McBlarghty blargh blargh blargh. Things are just... blargh. No new news on the adoption, still need fingerprints and passports. Homestudy is Wednesday (week from today. House still not done. Everything on hold. Need to start working again. Blargh.

time

2006-01-13T07:34:00.000-05:00

Before starting adoption- Me: I can't believe it's already (insert month here). Boy, time flies! Blahblahblahcakes. After starting adoption- Me: Is it still JANUARY? Is it still this week? Is it still Friday? Is it still 7:35am? *insert slow motion scene here*

lullaby for Cupcake

2006-01-12T05:41:00.000-05:00

Several months ago I got Ben Folds' newest CD and was listening to it in the pool (I have a waterproof case for my iPod) and literally had to stop swimming when I heard this song. I was so excited to hear it- it was the first song I heard that mention "Grace" without the word "Amazing" in front of it. The lyrics don't really read well, but if you listen to the song- wow. Cupcake's going to get tired of this, but I can't wait to sing it to her every night as she goes to sleep. My voice stinks, but I guess babies get used to that. (Right? I hope?!) If you want to hear the song, you can download the song here. You should listen to it because the lyrics don't do it any justice.

Gracie by Ben Folds You can’t fool me, I saw you when you came out... You've got your mamma’s taste but you got my mouth. And you will always have a part of me, nobody else is ever gonna see Gracie girl With your cards to your chest walking on your toes What you got in the box only Gracie knows And I would never try to make you be anything you didn’t really want to be Gracie girl Life flies by in seconds You’re not a baby - Gracie, you're my friend You’ll be a lady soon But until then You gotta do what I say You nodded off in my arms watching TV I won’t move you an inch even though my arm’s asleep One day you’re gonna want to go I hope we taught you everything you need to know Gracie girl And there will always be a part of me Nobody else is ever going to see but you and me My little girl My Gracie girl

I hope she doesn't get too freaked out by hearing her name in a song. When I was young and my parents used to play "Michelle" (Beatles version), I'd run from the room screaming. I couldn't understand why some strange man was singing about me OVER THE STEREO. It made me very embarrassed. Elton John's "Crocodile Rock", however... that I loved. It's been a very long, emotional week. My grandma is still holding on, which is difficult because there's very little chance of recovery for her. That's definitely been grueling and really difficult for me. In adoption news, we had the doctor's visit yesterday. Still need to have the bloodwork done, but that's right down the street. Just a few more things (homestudy in person, fingerprints, I-171)... we just need to keep moving forward.

endings and beginnings

2006-01-09T22:52:00.000-05:00

My grandmother is about to pass away. She's 98, so it's not unexpected, but she's still completely coherent and sane. She has had heart and lung problems for a while and the doctors don't expect her to pull out of this struggle. My parents are leaving for NY (where she is, in assisted living) so they can be with her as she passes. Tom and I are staying to take care of the animals and because the homestudy is coming up. And, I couldn't handle the funeral. I need to mourn this on my own, here with my own family, furbabies and feathered babies (we also have two birds) and husband. I am at peace with it, but very broken hearted. My grandma lived with my family when I was growing up, in the next room, and we have always been very very close. She's always been one of my best friends. When I told her about the adoption, she was so happy and made me promise that when Grace (Cupcake's name) came home, I would bring her to NY so they could meet. I'm so sad that won't happen. I'm trying to remind myself of the cycle of life, of endings and beginnings. I just wish the endings and beginnings overlapped a bit, sometimes. It's ironic that the news comes on a day when several agencies have announced that they are licensed for Vietnam adoptions and are starting the process officially. I spent the day working on Grace's Lifebook (the journal I'm keeping for her) and reminding myself that there's much to look forward to. It's just going to take a long time for the hurt to fade. Love to all.

that joke isn't funny anymore

2006-01-07T22:35:00.000-05:00

So these are my children. Children with fur. Delilah (the black one) has been with me over eight years, and Chester (the tabby) just celebrated his first anniversary with us. For years, people have joked that if Tom and I had children, and Delilah (who I honestly believe is my soul mate) didn't like said children, the children would have to find a new home. However, now that Cupcake is on her way, I'm a little terrified about the situation. That joke isn't funny anymore. Not that anyone is going anywhere, but I don't want to break any hearts. See, Delilah and I have been together for eight years. She was with me throughout graduate school (some tough years) and all my time here in Florida. She accepted Tom when he joined us, and was pretty tolerant of Chester, even though he annoys her sometimes and she was perfectly happy being the only cat in the house. This summer, however, we fostered two tiny kittens and Delilah hated them and the situation so much she got very ill (kidney failure) and so I knew the two kittens had to go back to the shelter when they were healthy-Delilah had reached her limit of new things. We have a very close bond. She loves Tom, but she LOVES me. I adore her. I am terrified when Cupcake comes, Delilah and I will grow apart. She'll be confused and resentful, and I'll be too smitten with Cupcake to realize it. I've seen people who adored their pets pretty much give up on them right after the baby came. Actually give them away (which I think is the worst thing that anyone could do.) I think I am too level headed (and obsessed) to do anything like that, but I am terrified that Delilah might feel left out. Chester's pretty easy going about things, but Delilah... I don't know. She's the Queen, and I don't want to make the Queen upset. She's given me so much these past eight years that I couldn't begint o tell you how much I owe her. I just hope this adoption doesn't scramble my brain so much that I lose sight of who my first "child" is. Is it too much to hope that Delilah, Cupcake, and I form a female unit, a unified front? Conquering the world together? I'm scared to see what's going to happen when the two most important things in my life come together. (Well, my husband is important, too, but Delilah...) I know this may sound weird to people who have moved the earth and moon to have a child/adopt a child, but I am a huge animal lover and take my responsibilities to them very seriously. You either get it or you don't...

say cheese

2006-01-06T23:32:00.000-05:00

Here's an adoption tip: If the place where you are having your passport photos taken has you stand against a rusty door and has a camera that looks like some giant Polaroid hybrid with a big "SMILE!!" sticker on it, those photos will not be useable. Immediately exit the premises and go the nearest drugstore and get them taken there, instead. We thought we were going to get better, more "government approved" photos if we went to the UPS store to get them taken. Wrong. The 13 year old clerk (who was very nice, by the way, which is probably why we stayed for the entire circus) took us to the back of the store and grabbed this giant old camera. The cord was about a foot long, so Tom had to squat down to get his picture taken. What the horrible, old Polaroid camera spit out (after several photos which had no picture on them at all, just some yellow streaks) were photos of two people who looked drunk, possibly insane. To top it off, the film (which the guy had to peel apart!) was completely faded so we looked like we were two drunk, possibly insane people from the 1960's. Since these are the photos that are sent to Vietnam, we had to book it to CVS and get them redone. I bought a compact of powder before the photos to even out my skin tone, assuming there would be a flash. I packed it on, determined to look my best for the people who would match me with my child. Of course, there wound up being no flash- natural light, so I wound up looking like a very powdered, ill, unhappy old lady. Oh well- sorry, Cupcake. We tried. Your dad even put on a fancy shirt and cologne and made sure he had fresh breath for the photo. (And after all that we were five minutes late to the passport office. "Come back Monday" the lady snapped at us. We just stood there and stared at her blankly before we stomped out. This has not been a great adoption week.)

news

2006-01-05T23:29:00.000-05:00

There is news tonight. Apparently one agency, one in DC, has been licensed to adopt from Vietnam. Maybe, just maybe, this dream will come true.

oh shit, and that time again...

2006-01-05T14:29:00.000-05:00

We just got a letter in the mail informing us that Immigration has received our initial paperwork. Application processing time? One year. We are desperately hoping that is a gigantic exaggeration because.. well, I'm just not waiting that long. Included in the envelope was a notice telling us that our fingerprinting appointment had been scheduled. Scheduled for yesterday morning at 7am! Needless to say, Tom is on the phone now trying to get this straightened out. (Bad news, they are not working with us- now it's time for serious "I'm not kidding you, fix this.") After he's done, I am going to call the post office and ask them WHY something sent from a city two hours away on the 19th JUST arrived today. That's total bullshit. I also received a Christmas card (also sent on the 19th- thanks Lisa!) today. The pony express would be faster. But honestly, we can't keep missing appointments like this. Too important. I'm sure the post office won't care, but I feel like calling up and yelling at someone about this. In other news, it's that time again- referrals for China families! For my non-adoption friends (and I'm SO happy you are here!!), a "referral" is when you receive all the information about your child, including photos, personality information, and medical reports. Not only do you get to "meet" your baby, you get to start planning for her arrival and for travel. I'd have to say that referral is the second most crucial time in adoption, right after "gotcha" day (or "Giving and Receiving" for those of us adopting from Vietnam.) Such beautiful babies. I always feel bad for them because they just look so startled in their photos- propped up and a quick photo taken. Off to make calls.

Want. Baby. Now.

2006-01-04T12:30:00.000-05:00

Our home visit has been scheduled for the end of this month. We are sending out the first part of our homestudy papers today. We are making progress. Not fast enough! I love reading adoption stories and adoption blogs. I love looking at pictures of adopted kids. While it makes me feel incredibly inpatient to meet my daughter, it also reminds me why it's worth it to wait. I'm always re-reading the same stories, looking for more. I hope this absolute "can't wait!" fades a bit. It gets annoying to want something so much after a while. I have to tell you, I just DON'T know how families who are adopting from China hold on for as long as they do. I hurt just thinking about it. We were hoping to be in the new house before the homestudy, but it doesn't look like it. This condo is so jammed up. We've been anticipating the move all fall so we stopped finding places to put new things (books, CDs, movies, odds and ends...) And the dining area has been turned into my clay studio, and it's hard to keep it neat. But that's my job and I desperately needed a studio space, so the dining room was sacrificed. Hopefully we can convince our social worker to go with us to the new house so she can see that there's a huge difference in here and there. We're going from 1,000 square feet to 2,600. Four bedrooms, Tom's office, a dedicated art studio for me, a great room, a small library, and a kitchen and dining room. Big difference from a small condo with two bedrooms, and one combo dining/living/kitchen area.

the vietnam in iceland

2006-01-03T05:48:00.001-05:00

I made the giant mistake last year of telling people we were adopting from China. That's what our original plans were. Vietnam wasn't even an option when we started this thing 18 months ago. But the adoption got delayed (we're building a house), and when we seriously started "the process" a month ago, there were two new factors: 1- China referrals were taking FOREVER and we were worried that by the time we were DTC/LID, referrals would be 14 months or more. 2- Vietnam reopened. We like Vietnam. A lot. A whole lot. Trust me- I'm not destroyed because we decided not to adopt from China. Maybe someday we will, if Cupcake wants a mei mei. I think Tom and I assume that's in the cards. Anyway, when people ask me about the adoption, I tell them we've started and now we're adopting from Vietnam. Some people are very excited, telling me what a lovely country, what lovely people. Good stuff. The other group just sort of stands there and blinks, and then says "well, what happened to China?" As if I was letting them down personally by not adopting from that country. They become quiet, somewhat concerned. Whenever I talk about Cupcake I tend to get really excited and say maybe too much, so after a while, the person I am talking to starts realizing Vietnam is near China and not in the middle of some mysterious, un-named, anarchy-ruled continent and warms up. "Oh, okay! That sounds okay." Good, glad you approve. I know there are many countries that begin with the letter "V", but come on. I stink at geography and I still knew Vietnam was in Asia. The one thing people seem to know about Vietnam is that there was a war there. Some people don't know details about the war besides a lot of people died, and so I can see them scrambling to come up with some information about the country, besides the mental image of Apacolypse Now (which wasn't even really set in Vietnam- it was set in Cambodia). They get caught up in the image of Marlon Brando going nuts and then get flustered. Yesterday we were at Barnes and Noble (how is it that a bookstore with two floors packed full of books has exactly NOTHING we were looking for, yet the little flimsy Border's down the road always has what we want and more?) and I was browsing the journals. The lady who managed the area kept asking me what I was looking for. Finally I explained that I wanted a blank journal in which to keep notes about my adoption in. The "when/where exchange" occured ("when is your baby coming and where is she coming from?") and when I mentioned Vietnam, she got this look on her face of utter confusion. "Oh" she said. *silence* Then she made some random comment about how getting a baby from Vietnam only took a few days, as if she had been through the adoption process herself. She was so DEFINITE about it that I almost wanted to agree with her. I'd love it if what she said was true. It's sort of like my health- I use a cane to get around and some people ask me, straight up, "what happened?" or "why do you need a cane?", which is great. Other people make "educated" guesses" as to my condition and launch into a detailed medical diagnosis before I can correct them and tell them what the deal really is. Nothing makes the ego glow like having people assume you have some very serious, disabling condition when you don't. It's like that with Vietnam. People are very uncomfortable with what they don't know, and I guess it's a natural reaction to pretend that they do know and start BSing a bit. I love talking about the adoption (heck, it seems to be all I *want* to talk about lately!!), I'm just tired of people pretending to know very detailed facts about Vietnam when they really don't. I love when pople ask questions, engage me in some conversation about it, no matter how short or long.. Even questions like "what are the people like there? what do the children look like? are they healthy? is drugs or alchohol or AIDS an issue?" I think it's wonderful when people ask questions like that, it means they are interested, they are curious. There are no preconceived stereotypes. But the silence, the whole scrambling for something to say that makes them seem more aware of what Vietnam is all about irritates me. Even *I* admit that I don't know much about the country, and knew a lot less when I started this. It's really okay to ask questions. Please. *Pretty* please, ask me questions, all kinds. I want to answer all of them so I get to talk about ME ME ME and my adoption. Maybe I will print up an informational pamphlet and keep some with me, and just hand one out when people start engaging me in coversation about it. Just hold up my hand, make a sympathetic expression with my face, and say "It's okay not to know anything about Vietnam." Pat them on the back, maybe give them a comforting hug. Maybe I can start a revolution of knowledge this way.

well, stop it

2006-01-02T09:27:00.000-05:00

"Gemini: It's Day Two of a brand-new year, and the continued absence of a certain far-away loved one may be making you cranky. Well, stop it. Do what you've got to do to reestablish contact, even if it means swallowing your pride and being the first to apologize. If you're finding it tough to pick up the phone, think about this: Five years from now -- or ten, even -- will either of you remember who made the first move? Or will you both just be glad that someone did?' So, does anyone happen to have the phone number for Cupcake's orphange? Or, if she's not born yet, the family she's coming from? Because, according to my horoscope, I can just call her up and *poof*, baby will come. Okay, I'll stop being snarky for a second. I just thought that it was weird when I read my horoscope just now. Let me ask you this- does there ever come a day during the whole adoption process when you STOP thinking about it constantly? Not that I mind, but I am really scared I am creating a dream life in my head that will make reality a surprise. Plus, it kind of aches, just a little, to want something so bad. I kind of wish I could put it out of my mind while we are waiting.

into the cavernous void

2006-01-01T22:12:00.000-05:00

I dropped my iPod into the pool today, first thing this morning. For some reason, I don't feel this is an auspicious start to the new year. I've been finding a lot of new blogs. They are mostly for Chinese adoptions, but I can relate to what they are going through. It's nice to find adoption blogs by normal people, people who can joke about how hard it is to wait, joke about this complicated, emotional, frustrating process. Good things. I feel like I'm late to the party, though. Everyone knows one another and has shared months of this together. I'm so bummed there are no specific DTV/LID groups, buddy swaps, etc. for Vietnam. No other adoptive parents to go through this with. Maybe I'll sneak into one of the China groups after we finally get our LID and hope no one notices I'm adopting from Vietnam. Kidding! Sort of. (I can see some people making a note of this potential breach of security...) Pottery Barn Kids sent me a catalogue. Sooooo dangerous. You know you're growing up when you start salivating over a crib and changing table, huh? I think I figured out the theme for Cupcake's room. I want to go buy it all now, but we aren't even in the freakin' house yet!!! Hopefully the adoption will go faster than the house. We signed the papers in March, 2004. They broke ground in December, 2005 (five months late) and still haven't finished. I want in, even though moving is going to be something else. Oh, I changed this blog to reflect the new year. I also changed the date format so it's in Vietnamese. Clever, huh?