so tired

Long weekend, and Tom almost fell over in relief when I reminded him that he was off work tomorrow. My birthday was Friday- I turned 32. We didn't do anything too exciting, just did our shift at the cat shelter and then went out to dinner with my parents. To be honest, I'm not exactly full of energy at the moment. I'm a little shocked at the fact it's June. I commented to some friends that in real time, it seems like the year is flying by, but in adoption time, it feels like every day lasts for weeks. It's a little scary to realize that 95% of my thoughts and emotions of the past 6 months have been intensely focused on Cupcake and this whole process. I can't believe we got through May. Just a few more weeks... I hope! In the meantime, I'm working hard, getting ready to move, and scrapbooking. Anything to keep my mind off time.

new Vietnam mailing list

There's a new Vietnam mailing list/group: Modern Adoptive Parents: Vietnam It's a list for anyone adopting, or interested in adopting, from Vietnam. The basis for this list is to talk HONESTLY and OPENLY about the adoption experience. I guess a few of us were sick of having to be sunshine and roses around the "old timers" (those who look down on those of us new to this), who refuse to admit that anything might be wrong, frustrating, or confusing about this process. Another purpose to the MAP list is to dicuss different umbrella situations and try to get to the bottom of what is going on with certain agencies. There is a strict "no agency" policy on the list, and all members have to "sign" a disclaimer when they join. It'd be stupid to pretend that some agencies don't have MAJOR problems, and hopefully we can help families stuck in really serious conflicts find a way to get their adoptions on the right track again. So this is a chance to be honest, without having to face 400 people telling you to smile or not be concerned about things that *should* concern you. This mailing group is about finding solutions for challenges facing adoptive families- NOT about pimping agencies and brushing the dirt under the rug.

cupcake's nursery

Okay, so the house isn't done but the murals in the nursery are done. We are doing an under the sea theme, based on the Pottery Barn Kids "Ocean Critters" bedding we got Grace. I secretly call the room "Rock Lobster" (the song makes me very happy), even though there are no lobsters. There is a pleasant crab, though. Here's some photos... Cupcake's name over the closet: The sea turtles on the wall where her crib will go. If you click on the photos, you can see more (well, except for the one with her name... if you have a flickr account, add "gingerblue" as a friend.)

finale fun

Don't read this if you still haven't watched any of the season finales of this week, 'kay? Alrighty then... This week has brought me the sad time of year when I must bid my favorite TV shows adieu for the summer (and wait for Big Brother to start). Lost was satisfyingly creepy. Danielle ("Forget the gap, suckas! I'm goin' to Thailand!") won ANTM. Hippies won Amazing Race (hated them in the beginning, but after Dave and Lori were eliminated, I started liking them more...). Top Chef is sitting on the TiVo, waiting to be watched. One sort of surreal thing was that during Lost tonight, I pointed out to Tom that the next time we watched a new episode, Cupcake would be with us. That sort of changed our whole spin on the summer- I have a feeling after travel, we won't be watching Big Brother feeds on the internet and multiple broadcasts anymore. And we won't really care. And that's perfectly okay. :) Hey, when you all finish watching Lost, come back here and let's discuss it. Tom is being very "let's just wait for next season instead of speculating" and it drives me mad. Foot statues and violet skies and magnets and Russian men in snowy stations, oh my!

blah

Blah- rainy day. I'm gonna go swim in a bit, maybe getting my blood pumping will help me get my spirits up a bit.

you never know...

Today, while I was swimming my laps, I started thinking to myself that today is another day, and I was getting through it, and could cross it off the calendar. May will soon be over, and June migth be the month that Cupcake comes home. As I was thinking about it, I started realizing that this waiting is *so* hard, and I don't know how I am going to stand at least another month of it. She's growing up so fast, and I am missing so much. In every photo, she's like a different little girl. I miss her so much. I can't explain the feelings at all. Anyway, when I emerged from the water to take a breath, I realized there was a rainbow *around* the sun. Sort of like the picture at the top of this post (which I did *not* take), but much more vivid. I never heard or saw anoything like that before. I just did some research and it's a natural phenomenom caused by ice crystals high in the sky and reflection (science blabber here...) but it kinda freaked me out. I don't know how I feel about signs and messages, but whenever I am looking for something- some kind of comfirmation, some kind of inspiration, some kind of comfort- I usually find it in the sky. So to see a rainbow around the sun was a little weird. I asked, I challenged, and I got an answer. And I am going to run with it. I know that this all has to happen the way it has to happen, that there's a reason for it taking so long and for us not being with Cupcake now. I try and remind myself that the last time I felt like I didn't understand the timing of things was when I was with my previous adoption agency, waiting for a promised referral that never came. Now I realize it never came because that referral *wasn't* our Cupcake, and if it had come... well, let's just say things would be messy now. And our beautiful little baby girl we are so desperate to get to might not have been matched with us. The idea of it is unthinkable, and so I know that things happen the way they are supposed to. So I am trying to chill out and hang in there, but it's hard. The rainbow was a reminder that there's nothing I can do about it but sit back and wait for it to work itself out, and unfold in front of me.

chatty chel

Some of my fellow Vietnam bloggers have been quiet the past few days, and I am desperately hoping it's because they are getting all the necessary information so they can accept their brand new referrals. I'm behind on email. I haven't answered anything in about a week. Sorry about that- it's been a busy week. Involving a trip to the dentist. No cavities, thankfully- but every time I sit in that chair I brace myself for news of root canals and multiple cavities. The week before the appointment is always full of fear. So anyway, a countdown: One day until Cupcake turns 7 months old (wahhhhh! it's been about two months since referral.) One week until I turn 32. and 23 days since LID. (There's no ticker for that). and... Travel news can now come any time. They told us "June", and we get two weeks notice. AND in two weeks it is June. So, let's go travel approval! (pretty pretty please?)

champion napper

I'm really really really curious to find out how the cats get will get along with Cupcake. Our pets are *really* important to us, so it's crucial to find some sort of balance between baby and kitties. I'm really hoping that Cupcake loves animals as much as we do. Animal rescue and doing volunteer work at the shelter is a huge part of our life, and at some point I'd like to be able to bring Cupcake over to the kitten shelter without having to worry that she will hurt the cats or they will hurt her. Plus, I don't ever want our cats to think that they are suddenly some play toy for a loud, messy, lurching miniature person. I've gotten a lot of good advice on how to introduce the cats to the baby-for instance, if I don't travel to Vietnam, Tom is going to send me something of Cupcake's right away via postal mail so I can let the cats sniff it and get used to her smell. I also heard that it's really important to let the cats thoroughly inspect the baby when she gets home (with complete supervision). Apprently, the "sniff inspection" lets let them check Cupcake out, get bored with her, and then apprently they'll go on their merry way of ignoring her. I do know for a fact that if you try and prevent a cat from checking out something that h/she wants to, it only makes it that much more appealing to her/him. So I won't be doing the "no, stay away from the baby!" stuff. They need to co-exist. I think I am going to try the "no touch" method with Cupcake- no touching the cats unless she is supervised and given permission. I know that sounds crazy, but I've been told that if you define the boundaries right away, sort of like teaching a baby not to poke someone in the eyeball of grab a person in the crotch, they pick up on it. I don't think it's fair if I actively encourage or ignore her when she grabs at their fur or tails or teases them. Yes, I know handfuls of fur will happen. But I'm going to try to not act like it's the Cutest Thing Ever, which I'm sure every new parent feels about absolutely EVERYTHING their child does. I do think that Chester (the kitty featured in the photo above) will appreciate the fact that Cupcake will take naps in the afternoon. Chester is a CHAMPION napper. At around 11am, he crawls into the bed and has his turn sleeping six-eight hours (hence the unmade bed in the photo). He gets cranky if you try and wake him during this period. He never sleeps on his belly, or curled up in a ball like most normal cats - instead, he stretches out on his back, usually with his feet hanging off the side of the bed. Sometimes, he puts his paw on his belly for good measure. He's also taken over the one baby blanket we have for Cupcake, which I have been sleeping with in case I can't go to Vietnam (Tom is going to bring it with him so Grace can get used to *our* smell before she gets home). I think we might have to give Chester the blanket and get Cupcake another one. He's VERY attached. I can only hope he likes Cupcake as much. He'll either love her or be terrified of her. That's how he operates. Delilah, our 9-year old cat, will be another story. She's very maternal and affectionate, but it takes her a while to warm up to certain people. I have a feeling she'll sort of observe at a distance, and then make a decision on whether she's going to spend time with the baby or just pretend as if she doesn't exist. I hope it's the former... Delilah's pretty much my favorite "person" in the world, and I think it would be incredibly cool if Cupcake, Delilah, and I could form a female trifecta and roam around the house together. Girl power!

Happy Mom's Day!

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day, ESPECIALLY to those of you who are awaiting a referral and/or travel approval.

cold air

Just a quick note to let people know I'm not ignoring or blowing off anyone- I just haven't had a chance to sit down and answer emails in the last two days. Our A/C went out, which is just absolutely lovely in the middle of the HUMID HOT STICKY summer. "Summer?" you ask... yes. It's always summer here in Southwest Florida, just minutes north of the Everglades. There's two seasons, actually- tourist and hurricane. So "summer" is actually me being respectful of my environment. ANYWAY, we had to get a whole new system and it finally got installed this morning after several days of misery. The last thing I could stand was having a hot laptop on my knees so I pretty much checked out these past few days. I promise to catch up tomorrow. Going to go to bed and read my new Alexander McCall Smith "No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency" novel and try and figure out what Precious Ramotswe's "tiny white van" looks like. Does it have three wheels or four? For some reason I see it as like a little golf cart thing with three wheels, only one in the front. How does such a woman of "traditional build" fit into the tiny white van? (If you have no idea what I am talking about, sorry. I'm obsessed with this series of books...)

she's GAWGEOUS!

On Sunday morning we got an amazing surprise- more photos of the Cupcake! I do love the shirt she's wearing, which says "I'm Gorgeous." Anyway, the wait is not getting easier. The photos help a whole lot, but with each new picture, I see all the tiny changes that we are missing, and how our little baby girl is becoming less of of a baby and more of a girl. Yes, I know at 6-months-and-3-weeks she's still a baby, but I miss her terribly and I can't wait to get her in my arms. For those counting (*clearsthroat*Nicole*clearsthroat*), we are: - two weeks post LID - one week into May - three weeks 'til June (June being estimated travel) One week down, three weeks to go. That's not definite, but the magic month for me is June. I saw some videos of the orphanage our daughters are in (taken by volunteers earlier this year) and it just made my impatience explode. However, I am more convinced than ever that the children are VERY well cared for and VERY much adored by the women and volunteers at the orphanage. All the children looked so happy, healthy, and curious, and in tune with everything. All the nannies and volunteers were being swarmed with kids constantly, little smiling faces begging for hugs and kisses and love. There was lots of playing and singing and activity. It was so amazing to watch. Hey, I found out that half the emails I previously sent out with Cupcake's photos never made it to their intended destinations. I think the size of the email with the photos may have tripped some spam filters out there. So if you asked me for photos and I never responded, that may be why. I finally decided to put the photos up on a private web page on my server to try and solve that problem, as well as using it as a source for my family to see the latest. There are now 12 photos. If you want the URL, let me know. I'd be happy to share The Gorgeousness that is Cupcake with all who wants to see ;)

keeping up with Cupcake

One really amazing thing about the orphanage that Cupcake is in is that there are a lot of people going through, both adoptive parents and volunteers. We've been able to get in touch with a few of these people and get some information on how Cupcake is doing and what her personality is like. Vietnam doesn't really give out "personality snippets" with referrals like China does; when we accepted the referral, we didn't know if Cupcake likes being held, likes to be outside, or "likes soft cakes" (that seems like a popular one for China). So to have people who have spent quality time with Cupcake tell us what she's like is SUCH a tremendous blessing. To have this access to our child right now is... well, there are no words. If we can't be there, knowing people who ARE there is the next best thing. It definitely helps with the wait to know she's doing well and is being taken care of. So far we have heard that Cupcake is "serene", "lovely", "beautiful, chunky and healthy." My favorite information about her came this morning from a volunteer: "we all love her, she is sooo adorable. She is a very happy girl. Recently she was moved in to the toddler room because we had 3 new born babies come in and since she is one of the older babies she got moved out. She was sick last week so we gave her extra care, but she is better now and back to her normal happy self. She has started crawling pretty well which is really neat to witness." I'm so sad we are missing her first crawls, but I keep reminding myself there are a lot of other milestones we will witness. I'm just so thrilled that she is growing and doing well. That she's happy... One day at a time, right? In the meantime I have started Cupcake's Lifebook/Scrapbook. I started yesterday afternoon and got one page done. I'm now working on her referral photos page. It's a lot of fun, but I really hate measuring and using the paper cutter (I'm used to using "crop" in Photoshop) so that part kinda frustrates me.

"every plan is a prayer to father time..."

(This is part of one of my favorite photos of Grace- I don't know why... something in her eyes or the way she's checking stuff out...) Everyone who has been through an adoption has told me that the wait between referral and travel would be the hardest. It's both true and not true- the adoption process has gotten infinitely easier and more rewarding because we can *see* what we are working towards and visualize that little girl every day, but time has slowed to a stop. In the last few weeks I have been doing a lot of reading about the orphanage Cupcake is in. The children are very well cared for and get lots of human love and interaction. However, every single day I think about every milestone we are missing. All the time we have to make up for. I just want to hold her and smooch on her and see her smile and hear her laugh and wrap her in soft comfy blankets and give her a wonderful life. I want to engage her, show her the world. I want to go to that orphanage and do something for every single one of those children. I feel so helpless right now- there's really nothing we can do but make donations to the orphanage and wait. We're looking at travel in June. For most Vietnam adoptions, the longest wait is between referral and travel. Most adoption agencies are giving referrals before the dossier is submitted to Vietnam (there's a lot of child-specific paperwork that needs to be processed in the dossier), then the dossier goes in to the government, and then the clock starts ticking. We got our referral five weeks ago, so we still have another four or so weeks to wait. I am praying that maybe travel will come in May... In the meantime, I keep looking at Cupcake and hoping she's doing well, she's happy, and that someone is loving her. "If I could open my arms, And span the length of the isle of Manhattan, I'd bring it to where you are, Making a lake of the East River and Hudson. And if I could open my mouth, Wide enough for a marching band to march out, They would make your name sing, And bend through alleys and bounce off other buildings."