The chase continues...

More paperchasing today. T. went and got copies of the marriage certificate and a sheriff's background check. We still need to get copies of his divorce decree and a letter from his employer, both of which need to be certified from the state(s) they are from. It's a lot of waiting right now. I just REALLY want to get this (second) dossier completed and into our new agency so we can get in line for travel. Despite referral time, the travel clock starts ticking the day the dossier gets to Vietnam and is officially submitted to the government. Our agency is hoping that it will be sent in in the next two weeks. Then it gets translated when it's in Vietnam, so that should only take a few days. So hopefully second or third week of April we'll be officially. I am hoping and praying. A list of things we need to get done, for my own mental health: - letter of employment needs to be certified (different state) - divorce decree needs to be certified (different state) - local/state stuff needs to be certified here in Florida - may have to get new health forms - a few other documents need to be certified and faxed to agency Okay, that wasn't a good list. ARGHHHHHHHHHH

Paperchasing, part deux

We're paperchasing again. I hate thispart because it's all over the place- go here for a stamp, go here for a form, go there for a signature, send the forms off for more. Our former agency is gathering our dossier (which is in various stages of translation and authentication) to send back to us, but in the meantime, we're trying hard to get as much of it together and re-do what we can. DTV = travel. Referrals can come any time (*sigh*) but travel is pretty much based on the time the dossier gets to Vietnam (at least in our agency's case) so we want it THERE. YESTERDAY. YES-TER-DAY. I feel like this adoption is sort of like one of those puzzles where you have to slide the pieces around to get the picture to show up. Or a Rubick's cube. It's just a lot of moves and processes and shifts to get everything in the right place at the exact right time. I think the picture is coming together, though. Still need to post pics from baby shower. I look like hell in every picture. I'm trying to find a few pictures where I don't look like a grinning fool. When do these things not matter anymore? I'm almost 32. You'd think this nonsense would be over by now, I'd be comfortable in my own skin. I'm getting there, but whenever I see a picture of myself I haven't prepped for, I think "yikes, looks like 10 miles of bad road." I started doing this crazy anti-oxidant/glycolic acid regimen on my face, hoping it would eliminate the horrible goggle tan I have picked up from swimming daily, but it doesn't appear to be working. The burning searing sensation on my skin would indicate that it IS, but cameras and I still do not get along. My goal is to get the brown tan sludge/freckle/goggle lines off my face before Cupcake arrives. I don't want to scare her any more than she is likely to be. All she needs to see is a striped lady come towards her and reach out to her... I can't stop thinking about myy Cupcake, thinking about her life in the orphanage. Who takes care of her? When she babbles and blows baby bubbles, what does it sound like? Does she have any toys? When she sneezes, does someone sayy "Bless You!", wipe her little nose and tell her to "blow"? Does she like any people there better than all the rest? What's her routine? What time does she wake up? Does she ever get up in the middle of the night and just stare at the ceiling, processing baby thoughts? Is she cold, warm, or just right? Is her crib okay? Does she have any idea what's about to happen to all of us? I hope someone there has a fondness for her, gives her a little extra love. I hope all the babies get that from the nannies. A little extra kiss and cuddle now and then. This is a crazy week. Good crazy. I hope to have some news soon that I can share with everyone... Goodnight!

a change will do you good...

So the big mystery is that we've decided to switch agencies. We've been a bit heartbroken over it, because we have come to consider our facilitator part of our family, and love her very much. It's just that the program is not progressing as fast as we did. I don't think we expected to finish the homestudy and dossier and have the I-171 in six weeks. And now that we are ready to go forward, we are too anxious about this to be patient for a license. We tried for six weeks, but we can't hold on anymore. We're ready to move forward. We're now with a fully licensed agency. It seems like a whole different process. The agency is probably THE most reputable in the field of Vietnam adoption (along with one other agency) and the facilitator has been overseeing Vietnamese orphans and assisting with adoptions for years and years. For weeks I have been walking around, mourning something. Feeling sick and sad all the time. I thought it was anxiety over the "impending referral" (which never arrived) but now I realize it was some deep knowledge that we weren't following the right path anymore, that we had gotten thrown off course and the longer we waited, the further lost we were getting. Making this decision was a huge relief, because as soon as we officially made the switch, I KNEW that we were back on track. I KNEW Cupcake is back in sight. I can feel it. This time we asked for a baby girl under one year, instead of newborn. I keep feeling like she's going to be 8 months, either at referral or when she arrives home. I don't know why, I just feel like that's who she is. She could be older or younger. It's back to being a really exciting, giddy "what's next?" sort of experience. The ironic thing is T. and I have seemed to have switched roles- now he's agonizing over the phone, praying for it to ring. I'm just being blissfully ignorant about it all, happy that I'm released from a promise and that time is now mine. I'm not EXPECTING anything anymore. There's no cycle of disappointment when the phone doesn't ring. Okay, on to the details: Here's what I now know regarding Vietnam adoptions:

- Referrals can be made before DTV, but only if the 171 is at the agency. You have to be pretty far along with your dossier in order to be eligible for referral. It's all up to the agency after that. - Referrals are made through the orphanage, the facilitator in Vietnam, and the agency. There shouldn't be any "set referral dates" or anything like that. It should be a group effort. Some agencies are going through the government, but most are not. - Referrals can happen anytime- 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years. The agency takes what age/sex you have requested, and when a match comes up at one of the orphanages, they start putting families together. So it could be any day, or it could be several months. But there won't be any "it's coming on this date!" stuff anymore. - Travel can take place 2-6 months after the referral, but more likely 4-6 months. This is a mandatory GOVERNMENT restriction, and there are no ways around it despite what agencies are claiming. - An agency has to be licensed before the formal adoption process can begin. That means Vietnam license, not province licensed.

I still have to scan the shower photos. I am desperately trying to make thank you cards. I made handmade cards with a little booklet about Vietnam inside them. I am trying to align the paper right so the booklet works. I want to get them out later today or tomorrow because a lot of the families in our building leave April 1st, when tourist/rental season begins to come to an end here in Sunny Florida. More soon!

so anyway...

Still here. No referral but lots to talk about. I will get get into it when it's not 5am and when things settle down some. I don't mean to be dramatic, but... adoption is either completely dramatic and emotional, or completely boring and redundant. There is NO middle ground, is there? My neighbors threw me a baby shower yesterday! I really thought I wasn't going to have one at all, since all my friends are so far away. I was so touched, I couldn't even cry! I still don't know how to thank them. I'm so shocked, still. Cupcake now has a FULL wardrobe, a stroller/carseat combo, a Pack N' Play, an exersaucer, and many tiny stuffed animals. I will show pictures soon. Hope you all are well. I've missed you these past few days.

message to universe...

Dear Phone, Please ring. With good adoption news. Love, Chel

la la la

"I would gladly kiss you Tuesday for a referral today!" I dunno why I keep saying this to myself over and over. Bargaining. For some reason I find myself waiting for the referral akin to Wimpy asking for a burger. I am now having conversations with the phone, asking it to ring. This is not a good sign of my mental health. I don't remember if Wimpy gets his burger or not, but a lot of the images I found had him holding one, so maybe it all works out in the end.

nothing yet

Quick post- no referral, no real news. And tomorrow is another day!

Love for the BCIS

Quick update before I jump down and answer the comments- BCIS called (yes, we have been able to get their number and have been communicating with them via phone for a while) and let us know our 171 is on the way! Yay! We were very worried because of Tom's name change. He changed his last name to mine when we married and when they received our application, they called us to request more information on the name change. Tom spent most of last week on the phone with them, trying to figure out if we needed to go to court or if the name change was legal. We were the first couple to go through that office with that specific situation, so they pulled our file and started working on it. They had no idea what tneeded to be done, and what was legal in that situation. I guess they found out from the state that it WAS legal for a man to change his name when marrying (without needing to go to court) and processed our application. I guess sometimes being a little different is a good thing :) This makes the whole wait-for-referral much easier. Well, maybe not MUCH. But the 171 is a gift, for sure. Now we'll have everything we need for the adoption, except Cupcake.

And here we go again...

It's Monday morning. The phone just rang. No news, but the heart started thumping. Welcome to another five days of wondering...

Now in Theaters: Headless Baby Mannequin!

I tried to find an image online of *something* we bought yesterday, but couldn't. Instead, I found several of these: outfits modeled on headless baby mannequins. I don't understand why they just couldn't make a little generic androgynous HEAD, even if it had no face. A round sphere, maybe. I mean, there are hands and feet, but no head? I dunno, that just creeped me out. So yes, I went shopping. I couldn't wait any longer. I finally gave in and let myself buy some clothes for Cupcake. Once we were at the outlet stores, I couldn't NOT buy her things. I got a size 6-9 months because I am guessing she'll be around that age when she gets home. I know she'll be tiny, but I couldn't get myself to buy anything smaller. Not yet- after we get her referral I might. There were *so* many nice things. We got the bulk of stuff at Carter's, and if we need anything else, that's where we will be going- the rest of the stores (Osh Kosh, Children's Place, etc) had less comfortable stuff that didn't light my fire. Half the dresses at Children's Place that I coveted online were made from a horrible scratchy material and had CRINOLINES. Gah!! They haven't eliminated those yet?? That's fine for the holidays or a wedding, but not for hanging around the house! I mean, if a baby sat on the floor with half those dresses, her head would get lost in the puffy crunchy skirt! A lot of the stuff had little STUPID trendy sayings, like "Hot Mama" or "Hot Stuff", or the very worst "Mommy's Little PRINCESS" and "Spoiled Rotten!", etc. I really don't want my kid wearing shirts that look like something a sleazy 15 year old mallrat might wear. Are newborns supposed to get navel rings right after their stump falls off now or something? Ugh. I prefer the little pairs of sweats and t-shirts with cats and ducks and diasies on them. Sundresses. Sunsuits. Rompers. Things with silly names. I guess I'm boring and old fashioned, but the whole princess craze really irritates me. I know that kids pick out what *they* like, but I am going to try and avoid exposing Cupcake to the Disney princesses until she gets old enough to find out about them herself. I just hate that stuff. What happened to generic whimsical drawings? Everything is all princesses and rhinestones (a onesy does not need rhinestones!!), sparkles and hot pink. I'm sure we'll have more than enough of that when she gets older- I'm going to try and keep her in the old-fashioned, non-branded baby stuff for as long as we can. Photos of the stash to come ASAP- it's all at my parents place because we just have no room to store the clothes here.

Grouchy McGrouchington

So, anyway... no referral. We got more information and the delay is legit, so I can't be angry. However, I reserve the right to be grouchy. And I am definitely within my rights to be crabby. I sort of feel like Charlie Brown in his dejected phase, walking around, kicking at imaginary rocks, scuffing the toes of my shoes. I know that's incredibly dramatic and stupid, but it's been a long day, and knowing that the phone may not ring until next week isn't comfort. I've come to despise the weekends. You know, I feel fine at night- I've sat with the emotions all day and I'm okay with it. But waking up every morning is hard because for some reason I go through the disappointment all over. I don't get that. Sleeping is supposed to make things better, not reset negative feelings. And it's not helping that the phone has been ringing really early every day and waking us both up- we both leap out of bed, expecting the call to be The Call. We're always angry at the caller for not being the agency. Which isn't nice, but I must admit, the morons who call from The Police Advancement League (telemarketers that are unrealted to any law enforcement group in this country) deserve a little crankiness.

Pregnant Pause...

I forgot to mention this in my earlier entry... Last night we went out for some Mexican food and we had a lovely waiter who was very nice. After dinner, he handed us the bill, and then went back to the desk for another mint for me. Because, as he said, I'm "eating for two." (If he brought me two burritos, I wouldn't have minded as much...) Um, as far as I know, I'm not pregnant (at least not in the traditional sense.) We did talk a bit about the baby over dinner, and Tom claims that the waiter most likely overheard us and made the assumption I was pregnant. But I think the combination of my big sundress and my slouchy posture made me look like I'm "with child". Let me tell you, that did NOT boost my ego. Today I'm back in running shorts and a little t-shirt. Sundresses are ultra comfy, but I don't feel like LOOKING pregnant when I'm not. Ugh. I guess it's really time to drop those last ten pounds. GRRRRRRR.

waiting...

Well, we got in touch with the BCIS, and they needed three forms- a tax return, some sort of permission to photocopy thing (?), and a request for legal proof of Tom's name change. The first two are easy, the last one is involving a bit of research. We made it clear to the BCIS that we would go to court RIGHT NOW and get the stuff we need for that, but they've asked us to hold off so they can do research. In Florida, it's legal that a man can change his name during marriage, the same as a woman can, without going to court. So BCIS wants to figure it out with us because they think that there might be more couples in the future in a similar situation. They promised it wouldn't hold up our file, and at least the woman in charge of it all *knows* us now, and knows our name and file. At least, that's how I am trying to think of it! In this past week I tried to catch up on "real world" stuff that I sort of abandoned when we started this adoption. I sort of thought if I walked away from the computer, the news might come. The ol' "watched pot never boils" theory. I lurked around all my favorite journals, though. I can't give *that* up! Let me just say that I'm still incredibly behind in real world stuff. But at least I got my hands dirty, and my work table is once again filled with things in progress rather than being empty and clean. I need to mail out a few orders, start seriously on my spring collection. Today was supposed to be referral day. We've had a few of these in the last month, but they were mostly hinted at. This is the first definite date that our agency told us to circle on our calendar. Apparently there is a staff member that returned from Vietnam on Sunday with not only updated photos and health files for the families who have already received a referral, but new referrals for some of the other families. We're in the latter group. Unfortunately, it looks like the staff member still has not returned, so it will be a few more days. I am completely and utterly raw inside from this. Yesterday was the worst day so far- I vacillated between wanting to cry and wanting to vomit all day. For the first time, I dreamed of adoption all night. I guess it's sort of a relief to know it's not coming today instead of hoping all day, but still... I wish I could just turn it off for a few days. Because I know people will ask today, and I just don't feel like saying "not yet. Maybe later." I feel horrible writing this, though. I know some of you have been waiting a VERY long time for your own referral, so four months is cake. When I say that I honestly wish that you guys could get your referral, or finally travel to bring home the child you have been matched with, I mean it. This waiting business is completely sucktastic. But I have the very best people with me in this waiting room ;)

arghhhhh 171 issues

We called the BCIS in Miami today to find out the status of our application. We were told we're "missing some documents" and a letter had gone out today to tell us what we needed to provide them with. This either has to do wiith my husband changing his last name to mine or the fact that all our documents have the address of the new house on it and the FRICKIN' BUILDERS STIL HAVEN'T FINISHED. We were absolutely, 100%, no doubt, CONTRACTUALLY supposed to be in by January 1st. It is now March 2nd. They haven't done a SINGLE THING on the house in two weeks. To say I am furious is an understatement. The interest on our homebuilding loan shot up as soon as we passed the one year mark. We're going to have to reschedule all our furniture deliveries, which won't be easy. And now this may be affecting our adoption. I really couldn't care less about anything else, but if it delays the arrival of Cupcake, I will be crushed.

LiveDrama

First and foremost- nothing new. My agency is back in full swing after the retreat they went on, and they are working towards traveling to Vietnam in the middle of this month. I am hoping that when they are in Vietnam, they'll finally bring home their license so we can get on the Embassy website. I've spent the last few days working on some stuff for the animal shelter I work with. We recently became our own non-profit (we were a sister group for another animal rescue org) and so there's a ton of work and advocacy and fundraising that needs to be done. I'm very excited about it- I love love love my work at the shelter. It'll be wonderful if we can do more for the animals we rescue, maybe expand to taking in cats that people surrender. Right now we only have resources for abandoned/stray cats and kittens- we currently don't have an open door policy for people to come in and give up their cats. I have MAJOR issues with the idea of people giving up their animals, ESPECIALLY after a child comes into the family, but I'll avoid getting into that for now. I would love to be able to do something for those poor animals, since I believe that they are just as deserving as a good home as the kittens we work with. IThat's all for now. Today I have OFF so I am very excited to read my email and catch up on stuff around here. I am soooo behind on everything. I am so bad at time management, and I am truly terrified about what I'm going to do when Cupcake arrives. My priority will be her, but I hope when she's asleep or with Tom or my parents, I use that time to do things I love, instead of schlumping on the couch, which seems all I am capable of as of late.