Ring, damnit - Ring!

No news. Well, my agency is back from vacation and they've told us to keep our pants on, that things might happen next week. (The keeping pants on was my remark, not my agency's...) Next Tuesday will mark one month since we've been told our referral might be in the works. So on we go. All our documents are officially gone- our dossier is at the agency and our I600 has been in Miami for over a week. Today is a Monday. Mondays are both really exciting and really horrible now that we're adopting. Exciting because as of Sunday night, our time, Vietnam is back to work, and maybe the fine folks who are involved in the adoption process over there might be looking at our file, putting together information, and faxing/emailing it to our agency. I'm assuming no one is in the office at 10pm Sunday night to receive the file, so on Monday morning, I get a little hopeful that the phone might ring. I start starting at it around 7am, hopeful. As the hours go by, I get a little angry with it. By noon, I pretty much know it's not going to because if our agency had information, we would have heard by now. And the offices in Vietnam are closed for the day. I wish everyone well, walk away from the phone, and wait for Tuesday morning. For some reason I feel like things might happen on a Monday. That seems like a really good referral day. I don't know how the referrals come- via email or snail mail. I think we'll get a call, then maybe an email, and then a larger packet will get snail mailed. Our agency is only an hour away, so I'm sure we'll jump in the car and drive up for anything they have for us. Friday afternoons are the worst- by 4pm you know there's at least 48 hours until you can start hoping and waiting again. Normally I despise the phone, and run in the other direction when it rings. But lately, I've been running to the phone. I still run away when the agency's number isn't on the caller ID, though.

adoption zen part two

So I'm back in "adoption zen" mode. After having an incredibly emotional day yesterday, in which I argued with both my husband and my mom, I sat in bed last night and tried to figure out what the heck was going on with me and why I was so upset. I realized just how much I was counting on a referral this week (whether it was realistic or not- mostly NOT), and I decided I needed to really cool it. I'm basing EVERYTHING on hearing news, and that's wrong. I can't give my entire life to this process- it's not asking that of me, and I'm just investing all my emotion, my ability to think and feel and just exist, in whether or not the phone rings. That's just stupid because there's plenty going on right now that I can spend time thinking about and working on. There's no reason to just drown in anxiety and anticipation when this is not a "yes or no" thing anymore. It's now a "when" thing. And that's just not worth getting myself into a heartbroken tizzy over. I'm getting myself all worked up for very little reason. There's going to be a lot more emotional rollarcoaster-ing in the coming months (especially when Tom travels to Vietnam to get Cupcake!) and I need to sort of try and keep it together until then. I'm back to hoping the referral comes after we are done with the paperwork and after we get our C.O. for the house. Why? Because if I see Cupcake's picture now, I won't be able to wait. I will *have* to wait, but I think I might go absolutely bonkers. Right now I am calmly hoping it comes much closer to travel, and that she doesn't have to spend months and months in the orphanage as we wait for travel approval and for the 171. So back to day by day. The last time I said this, the phone rang with news that a referral might be on the way. I'm glad my agency is out this week- at least I know if that phone does ring, it won't be news of Cupcake. *hugs* to everyone- I couldn't have asked for a better group of people to be going through this with. I now understand how the adoption process brings so many people together. I'm blessed to have all of you in my life.

Vacation... all I ever wanted

"Can't seem to get my mind off of you Back here at home there's nothin' to do..." Well, actually, there is plenty to do. I just can't keep my mind on any of it. Our agency (who is run by a family) went on a well deserved vacation this week. I guess things are going to start picking up next week (I HOPE!!) and they decided to get away before things got busy. I'm delighted for Lori, and hope she and her family have a great time relaxing and getting away from all of our neediness. She deserves it- she's a saint. I hope she's going to a spa or something blissful. HOWEVER, I must admit that I emitted a long, mournful wail when I read the email. Like an emu lost in the forest (do emus make noise or get lost in forests?) A one week vacation means no referrals are expected. If referrals arrive unexpectedly, no one will be there to distribute them. Our Santa Claus of adoption has gone to the North Pole, and there are no gifts under the tree for any of us while she's away. Hopefully next Monday morning will bring much joy. In the meantime, I am using all my Adoption Process Energy to focus on my friends who are awaiting license announcements, referrals, everything. May you have a wonderful week full of the most amazing surprises.

no news, so I make plans

There's no news on the referral front- most likely we have a while left to wait. That's fine- what's meant to be is meant to be. So, I am making shopping plans in the meantime. See, I am pretty reserved with stuff for me- I spend most of my money on art supplies and stuff for the house. I'm a sundress kind of girl- it gets too hot to do much more down here. For Cupcake, however, I can already feel that there's going be a challenge in restraining myself from buying ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I am very grateful that clothes come in "jumble sizes" (3-6 months, etc.) so I am not tempted to buy every single outfit I love in every single size. And all the shoes... Shoes shoes shoes. I used to say that I wouldn't ever put a baby in anything but one-sies and overalls and comfy stuff, but I am already eyeing bows for hair and dresses and little socks (Tom don't panic, I won't get any bows that need to be glued onto our daughter's head. Just the ones that clip. And headbands.) I think my mother will be very pleased. But no white tights- I remember scratchy white tights from when I was a baby and I'm not going to subject Grace to that. Plus, it's Florida. We have an incredibly huge outlet center an hour north, and that's where I will be headed. I scanned the VERY LONG list of stores. I've never heard of half of those, actually. Of course, I zero in on the usuals - Crabtree and Evelyn, Polo, anything with the word "chocolate" in it... So where did you get YOUR baby clothes from? From what I have seen, both in previews and on the babies, there are some sharp dressers in the bunch. So fess up. Cupcake needs to keep up with all the cool kids! Oh, and are there only 20 songs that Olympic skaters use? I'd love to see them skate to something a little less Easy Listening Favorites.

*gulp*

Someone from my agency just got a referral. They come in bunches, so I am really anxious now... *relax* *deep breath*

rocks

So today we had the landscaping meeting at the House Forever Under Construction. I felt kinda bad because the landscaper is a friend of the family and came armed with a beautiful sketch of what he thought the best landscaping choices would be for us, and I didn't like it. See, here in Florida, there are palm trees EVERYWHERE. I don't like palm trees all that much. I miss real trees, with real leaves that come out of real branches and all flutter in the breeze. Trees you can hang a swing from, trees you can climb without needing a big spike coming out of the front of your shoes. I also don't like tropical green bushes with tiny red and yellow leaves that PRETEND to be flowers. I like gardenias and flowers that smell. Pretty and colorful and lush and REAL. Finally, there was the rock issue. See my parents, born and bred in NY (Astoria to Lawn Guyland) have a thing about rocks instead of grass. If you have rocks on your lawn and around your backyard instead of grass, there's no mowing. Spice it up with some bushes that need no trimming. Flowers are no good because they die and their dead petals must be swept up. Do you know what it was like to try and have a little girl picnic on ROCKS? When it snowed, I had a hell of time trying to sled down the ROCK lawn. My snowballs had the potential to kill someone because ROCKS were mixed in. If you were playing around on the "lawn" and fell, instead of a green grass stain on your knees, you'd get a gash that required a trip to the emergency room. Needless to say, I want grass. Flowers. No pointy manicured hedges. NO ROCKS, no gravel. And no tropical. Old fashioned plants and grass and trees. Maybe some old fashioned birds (not the tropical scary kind we have down here that carry off cats) will come and visit. The other issue is the damn septic tank- it's under our front yard and the new regulations do not allow them to be buried. So our front lawn is kinda scary- it goes straight to the street and then drops off two feet to the sidewalk, no slope. It looks like a big stage from the street. Every time I think of it I see Cupcake toddling and toddling and then dropping right off the edge. So we need to do something, maybe some sort of hedge-y thing or something. Something that prevents a child from wanting to barrel through it. So landscaping must be worked on further. Takes my mind off SHOPPING!

homestudy is underway!

We got good news today- our final background check thing-y arrived in our Social Worker's mail today and she will have our written homestudy by Wednesday for us to read and correct. Then it's off to the agency and to the state of Florida along with the last bits and pieces of our dossier. Thankfully, they are allowing us to send a photo of us looking spiffy (instead of shocked and sullen as in our passport photos) to Vietnam. Reason number 73729090qqqqqqqqqqqqI why we need to move out of this condo AS SOON AS POSSIBLE: This horrible sound was what woke us up this morning. Nothing like a drill/jackhammer in cement to start your day off in optimism and good cheer. The building's roof was severly damaged in hurricane Wilma, and they are finally getting around to replacing it. Of course, the work starts just before we move out, meaning we have to pay the assessment. Oh well. I leave you with a picture of another of our "children"- this is Jack, one of our leopard geckos. Click on the photos for full size images. Our awesome exotic vet (we also have two parrots) gave Jack and his girlfriend, Janet, to us for my birthday a few years ago. They are around 10-11 years old, and don't do much but sleep and look for food, but I am entertained by them. By the way, geckos should NOT have pot bellies. Yes, we like animals.

talking shop

One thing I am starting to have a teensy problem with is not shopping for Cupcake. I promised myself from day one that I wouldn't get a thing for her until I saw her photo and found out her age. So no goodies until referral. Avoiding nursery stuff is easy- we're not in the house, and we have no place to put any furniture or bedding, etc. But the other stuff- dresses, shoes, stuffed animals, toys. It changes every week- this week it's dresses. I want to buy dresses for Cupcake. Nope, not gonna do it. The one good thing about living in Retirement Land, Florida, is that we are in the midst of many huge outlets centers. So the minute that photo comes, and I find out what size she'll be... release the hounds!!

terror sets in

When we started this process in December, and made the very big decision *not* to go with China (which we had planned and researched and had our hearts set on), but to go with Vietnam (which was new and somewhat unknown but very very appealing- it seemed "meant to be..."), my one wish was that Cupcake would be here by Christmas 2006. That's all I wanted. None of us knew when licenses would be granted, what agencies would be working in Vietnam, what ages the children would be, and how long the process would take. We assumed it would take a year. And that seemed just fine. For the last eight weeks, I have been slowly moving the date up. I started being adventurous on our registry but putting in "October". Then I changed it to "August". Then I put "May" on our Amazon registry. Yesterday we got word that things are happening way faster than anyone expected, that anything can happen anytime. All day long, I was on edge, hoping they would. Nevermind that we're not in the house yet, our homestudy hasn't been finished, that we don't have the 171 yet. I just started hoping for magical news. Thinking I was totally ready. Wrong. Last night reality set in. It's not time yet. We have a lot to do. We need to move into the house, spend a few months just LIVING in the house so we understand what it's all about. Start new routines and adjust our old ones. Then we need to start working on the nursery, preparing for a baby. We are nowhere near ready. Cupcake will come when she's ready, and if that's sooner rather than later, that's fine. We'll make it work. But until she arrives, there is a lot to get done. I need to stop hoping that time would speed up and just relax and enjoy the time we have until she comes. Everything is going to change, and when I started recognizing that it wasn't going to be "current life plus baby", but a brand new chapter to our lives, it made me really, really frightened, and suddenly grateful for this waiting period. Hopefully the house will get done soon so we can get in there and start our lives as homeowners, understand what that entails, and be realistic about what we expect from ourselves as parents AND adults. I've been living in fantasy land, imagining Cupcake here. Just slipping in. It's a whole new world, and I need the next few months to learn how to live in it. So instead of imagining how she's going to feel in my arms, how she's going to smell, how she's going to laugh and gurgle, I need to imagine us together later in the year.

Dossier to Agency

We sent off our dossier to our agency yesterday. We haven't gotten the magically delicious 171 yet, and our homestudy is not done being written (she's still waiting on one more police clearance form), but we're done with everything *we* can do. I am hoping that our agency can start working on translation, so when we do get the magical 171, we can just send it right off. I gotta tell you- if I were to advise anyone on one single important thing to expediting the process, it would be to GET A GREAT SOCIAL WORKER. If you have the extra cash, go outside your agency (no matter what they tell you) ask around, and get your own social worker. They work for you, as opposed for the agency, so they really have a different attitude and want to get things done. We paid a couple hundred more than the average for our SW's services, but ours was SO fast and SO good to us. She sent us all the information we needed instantly, answered our emails and phone calls within an hour or so of sending them, and had our in-person appointment scheduled right after we sent in our contract to her (it was within a few weeks, and she was stalling to give us time to move, which didn't happen). She also writes the homestudy within a week of the in-person. I think if we didn't have this moving nonsense, we would have been DTV now, and that's after starting this whole kit-and-caboodle in mid-December. I'm going to go nuts promoting her (and our agency) when we get DTV, but for privacy right now, I'm not comfortable with it. Referrals are starting to come in. Tiny little weeny adorable babycakes. Little tiny hands and feet in big diapers. beautiful eyes and skin. I am just so excited for everyone. Yesterday I kept tearing up thinking about how this time next year, our adoption blogs will be baby blogs, and instead of text about The Process, there will be pictures of all our little ones. A year seems like forever, but I'm trying to remember that it really isn't that far away.

not terrible...

Our passports arrived! One step further... we are now sending our complete dossier (minus 171) to our agency so they can begin translating it as we have everything we need for it. The homestudy will start as soon as our SW received a form from the state, and she said ti will take about a week or so for her to write. So things are rolling. Slowly, but at least I know we are truly done with all our steps. You know, I have to admit I'm not that offended by the standard ignorant questions/comments that some other adoptive parents have a difficult time with. I get a lot of what are generally considered "off limits" questions and comments: - How much will it cost? - Will she be healthy? - How do you know it will be the same baby they tell you it is? - You're doing such a good thing, bringing her here so she can have a good life. (This one makes me wince, I admit- but I always answer "NO- we are truly the lucky ones." It usually results in a pause, and a "yes, you are right...") I think I am okay with all of these questions and comments because I am just so grateful that people are speaking their mind and asking their questions instead of just keeping quiet. Why? Because when you have a physical disability NO ONE EVER MENTIONS IT. They stare, they skirt around it, they pretend they don't notice. I have a beautiful cane that I use to walk, and people comment on that, but then they look at me in horror and say something like "oh, I didn't mean I liked that you needed to use a cane!" It's so heartbreaking after livingg with this for 31 years. JUST ASK ME. PLEASE!! I would love to tell you why I have a little limp. Why I need a cane to balance. Why I wear my Nikes all the time, even to my wedding. So I'd much rather people ask what they are thinking. On the other hand, what I do despise and hate with every ounce of my soul are people who ANNOOUNCE their views on adoption and child raising. Without being asked. Or tell you what they think. Or ask "why not American?' Today I got this in a "supportive mom community"

You are going to be denying a child her culture and identity. You have already named her. Have you thought about fostering an abandoned teenager in your own country? Many mothers are coerced into giving up their children because they are too 'young' or 'poor' which I don't agree with. With international adoption they are torn away from their country and culture because middle class white people assume they can give them 'a better life'. I don't believe they are necessarily getting a better life, it is just an assumption that you can give them so much more than they could get elsewhere without realising what you are taking away from them. Also, picking and choosing to your tastes kind of sickens me. I think that if someone really wants to do anything they should foster a teenager from their own country who's been abused and living on the streets. Children should have choices. There are so many homeless teenagers in your own country who you could feed and give a place to sleep ya know? That said, I don't believe in domestic adoption either, only fostering. So many teen and working class mothers etc in your country are coerced into giving up their babies for adoption. As an ex streetkid and a working class, young mother I see and have experienced a side of the fence that all the middle class, married couples who adopt don't see. They just feel they are 'doing some kid right' without giving the child any choices or the child's parents.

You know what? A big ol' Fuck You is in order. This 20 year old thinks she's a progressive hip mama, but she knows nothing. The most ironic thing is that she's a lesbian- you'd think she would know something about being judged without knowing the facts. Having people make very wrong assumptions about you. So yeah, with crap like that, I'd much rather deal with the silly questions. At least they are asking out of curiosity, and not TELLING out of pure hate and ignorance.

passport, check; blood tests, check

Todayy the post office attempted to deliver my passport to the house (which is still in progress). We did put up a junky mailbox there for adoption document purposes, but they never leave anything in it but junk mail. I gotta say having three different addresses is worrying me. First, there's my parents' address, which is on my license and where things like bills and stuff get mailed. When I changed state residency back in 1995, when I was still in college, I registered my address as my parents' because that's the only address I had for this state- my "real" address was a dorm room in Atlanta. In 1999, I moved down here to Florida, and bought the condo where we currently live, which is a block away from my parents- it's a TINY town. For some reason (maybe because it's dark and dreary and humid) I was thinking/hoping/praying that I wouldn't be here for long, so I still had all my "important" documents mailed to my parents' address. I've been here six years, two of which have been planning the completion/move into the house, and I just never thought to get the address changed. I just go over to my parents' every so often to get my mail, and I do all my financial stuff online. And now there is the house address, which HOPEFULLY will be our actual residence by the time we are DTV. So my license and bills say one address, my passport and adoption documents say the house address, and some of the homestudy and other documents say THIS (the condo) address. Our SW is doing the homestudy under this address and then adding an addendum to it for the new house, but I'd REALLY rather I just had one single address throughout this process. That, in combination with my husband changing his last name when we married, scares me. Figures we'd complicate things on top of the already complicated process of adoption. It's what we do best. yes, indeedy.

there w0uldn‚t be anyone to rule the wor1d

You *know* it's ignorant is SPAMMERS are bringing it up:

From: "Palazzacci" To: ----- Subject: Problems with fertility function? Before adopting a child, think of taking Spermamax. Date: Wed, 1 Feb 2006 01:59:26 -0800 (PST) Imagine what could happen 1f the kings weren‚t abIe t0 father. Now there w0uldn‚t be anyone to rule the wor1d. And the civ1Iiz@tion would have died many centur1es ago. Maybe they used herbs that are enclosed in Spermamax and thus had no problems with fertility function. Maybe this can be a way out for you too. Spermamax improves not only your sperm quantity but also its quality. The kids are our future, Spermamax will help you produce them. http://proslimd.info/sm/?NIqy9Y

Uh, maybe if the kings adopted instead of constantly inbreeding their relatives, their empires would have worked out in the end. Just a thought...