proving them wrong

Quick note before we take off for fingerprinting- I can't wait until Grace arrives so I can prove to all the ignorant morons out there that adoption ISN'T a second choice, and adoptive children as just as desirble (if not more so, as in our case!!) as biological children. I can't wait to prove adoptive parents can do just as good a job than bio parents when it comes to raising their kids. If not BETTER!* I can't wait to prove that adoption ISN'T a negative thing, for the child or the family. That it's different, but not WORSE. That a child can be proud of where she's from AND where she is. Why does giving birth hold so much power in our society? It's not like my daughter just appeared out of the sky- she had the same start as every other baby on this planet. It just wasn't inside my body. And that really means zero to me. I can't wait to prove that what does matter is that families are created and cultivated, no matter what the biological origins of the child are. Love grows in the heart, not the womb. I'm not stupid- I know there will be challenges, discussions, some hard times and confusion for our daughter. But the bottom line is we CHOSE this way to grow our family, and we never once thought that biological was better. She will know this, we will remind her every day. And that just because Grace didn't grow inside me doesn't mean we will love her ANY different. Yeah, maybe I haven't adopted vs. given birth. But I refuse to believe there is an inherent difference which will affect the way a parent looks at her child. Just because my blood does not flow inside my daughter and my genes didn't form her physical appearance does not mean that my heart doesn't belong to her, fully and completely; that a part of me doesn't live inside her, and her me. As often as people think we're missing out by not having a biological child, I truly believe they are missing out by not adopting. (* I don't mean people who are actually GOOD parents, I mean the people that make a baby without care and treat that child like it's just another of their possessions.)

Fingerprints

Tomorrow we travel across the state to get fingerprints taken. After that, everything else is sort of in everyone else's hands- the final referral letter, the homestudy, the results of the blood tests, and then the famous 171-H. Want. Things. Done. Now. Want. To. Be. DTV. NOW!!!!!!! *ahem* sorry about that. Once a day I have a little freak out in my head where I can't possibly deal with waiting anymore. Then it goes away and I deal. So I'm dealing. How are YOU dealing?

Happy New Year!

Happy Tet/Lunar New Year! For a bunch of us, this day will become more significant than the Western version of "New Year". I certainly plan on making a huge deal of it after Cupcake arrives- not only because it is significant in Asia, but also because I am going to use any excuse to dress Cupcake up and have a party for her! We didn't do much for Tet this year (not feeling well and we are both so worn out from this chaos of the last two months...), but next year I am going to try really hard to do some of the rituals that are part of the holiday- cleaning the house, decorating with yellow blossoms, painting something within the house (maybe Cupcake and I can do some sort of annual Tet mural when she gets older?), paying debts, getting new clothing and shoes for the day, and reminding my parents to give Cupcake a red envelope. Cupcake will most likely be born fairly soon, in the Year of the Dog.

"Noble and true, the Dog will fight to mend all that is unjust. A loyal and faithful friend, Dogs make any sacrifice for the sake of another. They will never abandon their post. A genuine listener and confidant, the Dog is the keeper of all secrets."

Today I'm just thinking of my resolutions for the next year... my biggest one is to slow down, to pay more attention, to do everything in a thoughtful, considerate, mindful way. That's almost impossible from this girl who was born and raised in NY, but I am going to do my best to try.

agency and guilt

I feel guilty- we were supposed to make the trip over to the East Coast for fingerprints today, but when I woke up I was so exhausted that we didn't go. It's not like we are on a deadline (we'll go Tuesday) but I feel like I'm letting Cupcake down. Things we are waiting for/still have to do: - fingerprints - one referral letter - blood test results Tom had a LONG talk with our agency this morning and I'm more convinced than ever we have made a good decision. I was so stupid to listen to that crap on the mailing lists. What I should have done was called our agency right up and talked about what I was worried about and gotten answers to my new questions. Here's the deal. A few years ago, we saw "An Adoption Story" on TV and saw an agency close to where we lived, and really liked them. We did research, found out what the agency was called, and decided when we were going to adopt, that agency would be on our list. We assumed the agency was named ABCD (not naming because of privacy reasons) because that's what we found when we did the research. Fast forward to December, when we were looking at agencies and re-discovered the agency (ABCD) we saw way back in 2002. They listed a Vietnam program on their site, so we decided to go with them. We did all the research and they checked out. Turns out our "agency" only has their own Guatamala program, run under the name of ABCD, but all five other programs (Vietnam, China, India, and two others I forgot) are actually run by another HUGE, well-respected agency in Washington DC that has a sterling record. The woman we have been working with is actually a coordinator/Florida director for that big agency, and the big agency is fully licensed to have an office in Florida, which the woman we have been working with runs. We are basically working with the big agency and have Lori as our case coordinator. There's no umberella-ing or anything. She runs her own Guatamala program under the name ABCD, but everything else is run under the other agency, and that's where we got confused about what agency we were with and possibly being with an umbrella agency. We're not- we're with the Florida office of HUGE agency. We also found out this morning that the huge agency has their own office and full staff in Vietnam, so there is no "facilitator" to worry about. For the first two years of the Vietnam program, all families will be accompanied the entire trip by the Vietnam staff to ensure everything goes smoothly. If there are any issues, there is an entire staff to ensure that things get straightened out. Both orphanages that they have a license to work with are in northern Vietnam, near Hanoi. One of the orphanges is full of newborns at the moment, so Lori assured us that our dossier would most likely be sent there and she would make sure we got a match in the age/sex we are hoping for. She explained it's really good to have a big age range on our forms in case we got there, and something was wrong with the baby we were assigned, and we fell in love with an 18 month old we met in the orphanage. It's happened, so we will have permission to adopt that child. I still want a baby baby, but you never know what might happen- I mean, three months ago we were sure we were going to adopt from China. So I am once again confident and happy that we found the right agency. Lesson from this- do your research, and if you have any doubts, ask questions. Don't believe everything you read...

how long did HER referral take?

So, Meg Ryan adopted a baby girl from China. Is it wrong that my first thought was "How long did *she* have to wait between DTC and referral?" Followed by "Did she fill out her own dossier? Did she even have to fill one out? She better have gone through the process, like the rest of us. I bet she got a 2 month old. That's one less baby for the rest of us. What nerve!" Yes, I am a jaded pre-adoptive parent. Pleased to meet you.

attachment parenting. yikes.

Homestudy details: It went well. Our SW said we were very in depth with our bios and questions/answer forms so she didn't need to go over too much with us. She basically asked us if we were prepared and why we wanted to adopt. I guess a huge part of the interview is talking about bio babies vs. adopted babies and the parents' true feelings about it all. Since adoption is our first and only choice, we skipped over that part. I pretty much got up and did a dance about how excited we were over an international adoption (well, no dancing, but fast talking! with a lot of exclamation points!!) One thing we learned is that we are going to have to attachment parent, whether we want to or not. I've sort of been a little scared of that. I've seen good and bad examples of it (good being my friends' children, bad being a family friend's 17 year old who is a complete violent maniac, in trouble with the law and used to getting his way) and I wanted to play it by ear, and figure it out as we went along. Our plan was that we'd evaluate each situation (sleeping, eating, playing, etc.) and see how Cupcake reacted to each. We didn't want to overwhelm her by being ON her all the time, staring at her and just being too intense and adoring and scary. But because adopted children have a serious fear of being abandoned, and have been ripped apart from every single person they have bonded to (their birthmother, their caregivers in the orphanage, their crib mates, etc.) they start getting afraid to bond. They basically come here with no knowledge of us, and have no real INTEREST in us. So we, as parents, have to bond to the child, and prove to them that they can count on us, that we will be there for them. We have to do the work for parent and child. In the orphanage, the babies get used to no one being there for them when they need it- when they are hungry, no one feeds them, when they get scared, no one soothes them, when they get hurt, no one comforts them. So we have to do the opposite. We have to be there constantly for the first few months until she really believes that we are not going to leave her. So I need to get a sling and basically "wear" Cupcake. That's fine, because I'm somewhat clumsy and tend to use my hands a lot. No one should feed, bathe, change, or do any huge caring for her in the first few weeks but Tom and me so Cupcake identifies us as her main caregivers. So my mom and dad and Tom's mom will have to take a backseat and basically baby us while we are caring for Cupcake. I don't know what my mom is going to think of that... Ironically, our social worker said attachment parenting can be tricky for biological children because the "pulling apart" stage (when they have to start sleeping on their own, making their own decisions, feeding themselves, soothing themselves) is so rough on the child and there haven't been a lot of theories on how to successfully make the transition. I can imagine that... but she pointed out that that difficult period of "detachment" is worth it for an adopted child because the attachment makes such a huge difference. So all new things to learn- I thought we would wing it and let Cupcake lead us in how she wanted to be cared for. Not anymore. I'm ready to embrace her from the first moment I see her and take charge. I'm a little nervous about that, but I really want her to bond and feel safe, so I guess I'll step up to the task and let my maternal urges come through. I hope they're in there somewhere. I hope I can do this right. One thing I'm a little concerned about is that we're being approved for a baby girl, ages birth-2 years. We are really hoping for an under one year old, so I hope the 2 year high end doesn't mean that's what we'll get. Sorry to all the toddlers out there, but I want a baby baby. I want to experience what it's like to have a baby under 15 pounds. So that was that. Next is fingerprints (maybe Friday?), getting results of blood tests and turning in Drs forms to SW, getting our last reference and turning that into SW, filling out one last form, and then waiting for INS to approve us. The end is in sight, but we still have a fair bit to go.

homestudy- done!

Our homestudy went great. We talked for an hour or so, and that was that. This is the only meeting we are having- is that unusual? Does Vietnam require more meetings or is it your agencies?? Blood tests are done (I had to go in today for an addition test since they messed up one of my originals) and passport applications are FINALLY mailed. We actually ALMOST had a Passport Saga part IV, but we managed to avoid it by the skin of our teeth. See, when we got married, Tom changed his last name to mine. I wasn't willing to change my last name (if you knew my whole name, you'd get a kick out of it...) and he wanted us to have the same last name. He didn't want to hyphenate, so he changed his name. When we got to the office of the county clerk today, she insisted that his license and SS# weren't enough, that he had to go through the process for an official name change to go forward with a passport. I left to run home and get out checkbook. When I left, he was protesting- if women can do it, so can men, etc. According to the ACLU, blah blah blah (that always gets them). When I got back 15 minutes later, the two of them were friends and Tom had his application all filled out. So... I think that's okay. Now for fingerprints, the final odds and ends for our dossier, and waiting for the I-171. I'm a tiny bit concerned that our whole dossier process has been "easier" than most, and that we just aren't aware of what we need, even though we have followed our agency's instructions to the "T". I guess we need to call tomorrow and clarify... I'm wondering if things have been added to the process post- December and we just don't know about it.

nervous!

Homestudy in approximately 11 minutes. I am so nervous! In some way I feel like lori (our SW) is bringing me my baby! I am so anxious to get the dossier in. After that, it's no longer up to us. And although the waiting will be hard, it'll be nice to know it could happen anytime, instead of waking up each day and knowing for sure we won't get any news. sooo nervous!

hesitant

I'm getting hesitant to write in here because a few APV members have made some references to Cupcake in their unwelcome emails, and I feel like they are out there, wishing us not-so-well. backstory: I made the huge mistake of posting my opinion on APV about blackballing agencies. Why I thought a sensible, sincere, well-thought-out message might be read for what it was saying is beyond me. I got a ton of supportive email, but apparently the woman who immediately put me down about my opinion (my opinion: smaller agencies shouldn't be blackballed just because they are small and a mailing list shouldn't get to determine what agencies are "good" and "bad" unless there is proof that those agencies are violating policy and Vietnam's new rules...) has a group of people who take her word as gospel. Two people will not let the issue go, and even though I am ignoring them and their email is bouncing, they keep trying to MAKE SURE they get to me. I hate crap like that. I hate conflict. But what I hate more is that no matter how intelligent, thoughtful, and well-researched your posts are, and YOU are, if you are a prospective adoptive parent you can NEVER have an opinion on ANYTHING related to adoption. You are immediately shot down. Nothing you say can be valid unless you've been through it. I wish I had known that before I posted. Apparently in Vietnam adoption, you can't choose your own agency, you have to let a mailing list approve that choice. Even if Vietnam has licensed the agency you picked, and they have a wonderful record, it's not good enough unless the mailing list says it's okay by them. And I think that's wrong on so many levels. And that doesn't make me a proponent of unethical adoption, even though people are trying to build a bridge between the two. Anyway, now I feel somewhat haunted by these few people, and since this adoption is so important to me I'm a little nervous to post upcoming things (homestudy, fingerprinting, waiting for forms...) because I wonder if someone of those people aren't hoping that my adoption goes terribly wrong so that they can prove themselves right (we are using a small agency). I left the mailing list promptly, and am no longer engaged with these people in any way. But they keep harping on it. I normally couldn't care less what people think of me, but since this is about our child, it takes on a whole new level. And mentioning our child and "maybe this will come back to haunt your child", "maybe your child will get what she deserves" in their correspondence is crossing the line, in my opinion. Guess what? No matter how much you anger me, or insult me, I would never ever wish that anything happened to your child or your adoption. Ever. I may be "snarky", but I'm not evil.

passporting, Volume III; meme; noos

Yes, there is another episode in the Passport Saga. After attending to morning stuff and then going to the house to meet with the flooring guys (very nice, so capable, such a refreshing change...), we finally got over to the passport office. The woman in Naples was right- the tiny government shack does do passports. Yay! Happy passport time. We got inside, got in line, patiently waiting our turn. The lady behind me had no concept of "personal space" and she kept shuffling forward, breathing on me, and sort of squishing the front of her cane on the heels of my shoes. I finally switched places with Tom and kept myself busy reading brochures about hunting, deciding which if the 6,000 Florida license plates I would choose if I didn't have my "Animal Friend" one, and giving myself eye tests until it was our turn. Yes, I like to check stuff out when I'm waiting for something. Finally, we were called up to the counter and when we said "passports!" the woman told us the county clerk was OUT TO LUNCH and wouldn't be back for an hour. Lather, rinse, repeat tomorrow. But I'm starting to get a little spooked. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Our agency had their first referral today from Vietnam. It wasn't ours, of course, but it's excellent news. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I got picked for a meme- YAY! From the lovely Susan, over at Ric-Rac, who is expected to have one of THE FIRST REFFERALS FROM VIETNAM AND I CAN'T WAIT! Four jobs you have had in your life: -museum educator - website designer - jewelry designer - shopgirl at a candy store (I gained 10 pounds in a week- no joke.) Four Movies you would watch over and over: - Rushmore - Office Space - Life Aquatic - You've Got Mail Four Places You've Lived: - Port Jeff, NY - Atlanta, Georgia - Decatur, Georgia (my favorite) - here in Florida Four TV Shows you love to watch: - Lost - The Office - That's Clever - King of Queens Four websites I visit daily: - Local library - My Way News - Television Without Pity - Polymer Clay Daily Four of my favorite foods: - Cream of Wheat - Veggie Burgers at Cheesecake Factory - Hummus and Pita - Vegetable Korma and Nan Four places I'd rather be right now: - In the nursery of the new house, hanging out with Cupcake. - Anywhere my friends are. - Disney World (I admit, I like it there...) - in bed, reading. I'd tag people (Mary-Mia, CHEW, Sparky, etc.) but they've probably done this before and I think only Mary-Mia drops in! :) Laundry calls. g'night

adventures in passporting, part II

So after our last episode, we were left with two sets of unattractive passport photos and nothing to show for it. We actually showed the photos to our friends who came to visit this past weekend, and my friend Lucy goes "These are the worst pictures I have ever seen of you. These are awful. You cannot send these to anyone in any country on this entire planet, because they will not let you have a baby. Really." We assured her that the pictures are only still in existence so we can show Cupcake. Not for official use. Considering Tom has a fancy SLR camera, we decided to stand in front of a white wall and take our own damn pictures. On a Good Hair Day (meaning it didn't look like a helmet), I practiced a few hundred "neutral smiles" in front of the mirror, found one I liked, carefully transported my body over to the wall (preserving the Good Neutral Smile) and Tom got the picture. Great! I got one of him, we don't look psycho. All is good. Third set of passport pictures and we're finally golden. I went to Walgreens this afternoon to get them printed out, planning on going to the government agency afterwards to officially apply for the damn passport and get this taken care of once and for all. I wandered over to the photo machines (after having picked up a bag of Twizzlers), inserted my digital camera card, and off I go. We've learned you can get 6 photos per print (instead of just the traditional two), eliminating the need for multiple prints and not costing us an arm and a leg. At $12 a print, you want to get as many photos on that damn rectangle that you can, especially when you have already blown over $60 on crummy passport photos you can't use. ANYWAY, I was doing fairly well, and then all the sudden one of the employees wandered over to me. She's very friendly. She's also very forward. She literally NUDGED me away from the machine and started pressing all sorts of codes and buttons. She "auto adjusted" our photos, transforming us from beige people against a white wall to sunburned aliens standing in front of a nuclear flash. Apparently "auto adjust" means amp up the contrast as high as it will go. Suddenly, I got very scared. I won't pay $120 for more unusable photos. I had to get away from the photo machine and this lady. I tried to talk my way out of it. First I told her I needed to have multiple copies, and she told me that she could print multiple copies, at $12 a pop. I need 10 copies of each photo? That's fine, she'll print out five copies of each, $120 total. Yikes! Then I lied a bit and told her it's not for a passport, but for something else. She rattled off a list of all possible uses for tiny crappy photographs- she KNOWS THEM ALL. I finally told her the photos are for adoption, and she informed me her sister in law just adopted from China and therefore she knows exactly what we need. Crap. Finally I lied again and told her that I needed to call the adoption agency to find out exactly what I needed. She said "oh, you can use our phone, here!!" I told her the number is in the car and she said "okay, I'll just stay here and hold the machine until you go out and make the call." I finally mumbled something, grabbed my card out of the machine, paid for my Twizzlers, and fled the store. By then, I was running late. The government center closed at 4:30pm, and I had 45 minutes to drive to Naples, find a CVS to print out the damn photos, and get into the administration building. I found a CVS, printed out the passport photos ALL BY MYSELF. 6-to-a-page, $7 each. $28, lovely. Zoomed over to the government center. Entered the Wal-Mart parking lot by mistake. Completed the maze that is the exit and got back on the road. I finally found the right street, but entered in the "exit only" lane, right in front of a cop. He didn't notice or just didn't have time. I parked my car, and hurried up to the office. I got up there, handed the papers over to the nice lady behind the desk, and took a deep breath. I did it! What's more, I was going to make my shift at the animal shelter. Then I heard: "may I see your birth certificate?" DAMNIT. Of course I didn't bring it. She looked over things, noticed that I live in the next city over, and then told me there is a passport office in our city. A block from our condo. So I never needed to make the 45 minute drive for this process. EVER. ... So on Monday, I will make the short drive to the tiny government shack a block away and get this all done. If I had known all this- don't go to UPS store for your photos, if you have a good camera take your own photos, print them at CVS and NOT Walgreens, bring the birth certificate with you, and drive a block- this would have been done weeks ago. I might have gotten a passport before this just because it would have been so easy. Well, maybe not, but you get the point. Oh well, at least I have a story for the baby book. Cause that's why I am doing all this- not to find my daughter, but to have funny stories to write in the baby book. I'm kidding. You know that, right? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In other adoption news, I got my blood tests today. The phlebotomist looked really annoyed when I politely pointed out the only vein that has worked from blood draws and IVs in the last twenty years. But after being stuck in my hand and wrist and all sorts of terribly horribly painful places for simple blood tests, I was in no mood for any screwing around. Plus, I had been fasting and I desperately wanted the banana I had in the car. She proceeded to inspect EVERY SINGLE VEIN in my arms and hands, trying to prove me wrong. Look, lady, when you have Spina Bifida, you know your body REAL well. She finally poked the vein I told her about, blood flew out into seven vials quickly. And that was that. Another day in adoption land. And it's all worth it.

Wishful Thinking?

Good news- our agency got our license! So far, I am totally in love with our agency. I would love to tell you about them, but I won't do it here because I'm trying to keep some things private. So email me if you want to know. Check this out: Why such an early date? Because I keep hearing if you ask the universe for something, and give specifics, you can put things into action. So there's my request. I had to stop myself from typing in May, which is what I really want. And the date I put on the baby registry. I'm sort of torn about these things because I truly do feel like our child is already picked out, and we just have to be patient and wait for all of us to find our way to one another. Call me crazy, but I don't want to do anything (including make wishes, rush the process, etc.) that might possibly affect that- THAT's how strongly I feel about it. She'll come when it's right. It may drive me insane to wait, but she's on her way and I have to trust that. I guess no matter what I say, do, wish, etc., she'll come when she comes, and it will be Cupcake no matter what. We'll find one another, we'll end this search together. But I'm so scared because it feels so delicate and I don't want to do anything to injure it.

blargh

Blargh McBlarghty blargh blargh blargh. Things are just... blargh. No new news on the adoption, still need fingerprints and passports. Homestudy is Wednesday (week from today. House still not done. Everything on hold. Need to start working again. Blargh.

time

Before starting adoption- Me: I can't believe it's already (insert month here). Boy, time flies! Blahblahblahcakes. After starting adoption- Me: Is it still JANUARY? Is it still this week? Is it still Friday? Is it still 7:35am? *insert slow motion scene here*

lullaby for Cupcake

Several months ago I got Ben Folds' newest CD and was listening to it in the pool (I have a waterproof case for my iPod) and literally had to stop swimming when I heard this song. I was so excited to hear it- it was the first song I heard that mention "Grace" without the word "Amazing" in front of it. The lyrics don't really read well, but if you listen to the song- wow. Cupcake's going to get tired of this, but I can't wait to sing it to her every night as she goes to sleep. My voice stinks, but I guess babies get used to that. (Right? I hope?!) If you want to hear the song, you can download the song here. You should listen to it because the lyrics don't do it any justice.

Gracie by Ben Folds You can’t fool me, I saw you when you came out... You've got your mamma’s taste but you got my mouth. And you will always have a part of me, nobody else is ever gonna see Gracie girl With your cards to your chest walking on your toes What you got in the box only Gracie knows And I would never try to make you be anything you didn’t really want to be Gracie girl Life flies by in seconds You’re not a baby - Gracie, you're my friend You’ll be a lady soon But until then You gotta do what I say You nodded off in my arms watching TV I won’t move you an inch even though my arm’s asleep One day you’re gonna want to go I hope we taught you everything you need to know Gracie girl And there will always be a part of me Nobody else is ever going to see but you and me My little girl My Gracie girl

I hope she doesn't get too freaked out by hearing her name in a song. When I was young and my parents used to play "Michelle" (Beatles version), I'd run from the room screaming. I couldn't understand why some strange man was singing about me OVER THE STEREO. It made me very embarrassed. Elton John's "Crocodile Rock", however... that I loved. It's been a very long, emotional week. My grandma is still holding on, which is difficult because there's very little chance of recovery for her. That's definitely been grueling and really difficult for me. In adoption news, we had the doctor's visit yesterday. Still need to have the bloodwork done, but that's right down the street. Just a few more things (homestudy in person, fingerprints, I-171)... we just need to keep moving forward.

endings and beginnings

My grandmother is about to pass away. She's 98, so it's not unexpected, but she's still completely coherent and sane. She has had heart and lung problems for a while and the doctors don't expect her to pull out of this struggle. My parents are leaving for NY (where she is, in assisted living) so they can be with her as she passes. Tom and I are staying to take care of the animals and because the homestudy is coming up. And, I couldn't handle the funeral. I need to mourn this on my own, here with my own family, furbabies and feathered babies (we also have two birds) and husband. I am at peace with it, but very broken hearted. My grandma lived with my family when I was growing up, in the next room, and we have always been very very close. She's always been one of my best friends. When I told her about the adoption, she was so happy and made me promise that when Grace (Cupcake's name) came home, I would bring her to NY so they could meet. I'm so sad that won't happen. I'm trying to remind myself of the cycle of life, of endings and beginnings. I just wish the endings and beginnings overlapped a bit, sometimes. It's ironic that the news comes on a day when several agencies have announced that they are licensed for Vietnam adoptions and are starting the process officially. I spent the day working on Grace's Lifebook (the journal I'm keeping for her) and reminding myself that there's much to look forward to. It's just going to take a long time for the hurt to fade. Love to all.

that joke isn't funny anymore

So these are my children. Children with fur. Delilah (the black one) has been with me over eight years, and Chester (the tabby) just celebrated his first anniversary with us. For years, people have joked that if Tom and I had children, and Delilah (who I honestly believe is my soul mate) didn't like said children, the children would have to find a new home. However, now that Cupcake is on her way, I'm a little terrified about the situation. That joke isn't funny anymore. Not that anyone is going anywhere, but I don't want to break any hearts. See, Delilah and I have been together for eight years. She was with me throughout graduate school (some tough years) and all my time here in Florida. She accepted Tom when he joined us, and was pretty tolerant of Chester, even though he annoys her sometimes and she was perfectly happy being the only cat in the house. This summer, however, we fostered two tiny kittens and Delilah hated them and the situation so much she got very ill (kidney failure) and so I knew the two kittens had to go back to the shelter when they were healthy-Delilah had reached her limit of new things. We have a very close bond. She loves Tom, but she LOVES me. I adore her. I am terrified when Cupcake comes, Delilah and I will grow apart. She'll be confused and resentful, and I'll be too smitten with Cupcake to realize it. I've seen people who adored their pets pretty much give up on them right after the baby came. Actually give them away (which I think is the worst thing that anyone could do.) I think I am too level headed (and obsessed) to do anything like that, but I am terrified that Delilah might feel left out. Chester's pretty easy going about things, but Delilah... I don't know. She's the Queen, and I don't want to make the Queen upset. She's given me so much these past eight years that I couldn't begint o tell you how much I owe her. I just hope this adoption doesn't scramble my brain so much that I lose sight of who my first "child" is. Is it too much to hope that Delilah, Cupcake, and I form a female unit, a unified front? Conquering the world together? I'm scared to see what's going to happen when the two most important things in my life come together. (Well, my husband is important, too, but Delilah...) I know this may sound weird to people who have moved the earth and moon to have a child/adopt a child, but I am a huge animal lover and take my responsibilities to them very seriously. You either get it or you don't...

say cheese

Here's an adoption tip: If the place where you are having your passport photos taken has you stand against a rusty door and has a camera that looks like some giant Polaroid hybrid with a big "SMILE!!" sticker on it, those photos will not be useable. Immediately exit the premises and go the nearest drugstore and get them taken there, instead. We thought we were going to get better, more "government approved" photos if we went to the UPS store to get them taken. Wrong. The 13 year old clerk (who was very nice, by the way, which is probably why we stayed for the entire circus) took us to the back of the store and grabbed this giant old camera. The cord was about a foot long, so Tom had to squat down to get his picture taken. What the horrible, old Polaroid camera spit out (after several photos which had no picture on them at all, just some yellow streaks) were photos of two people who looked drunk, possibly insane. To top it off, the film (which the guy had to peel apart!) was completely faded so we looked like we were two drunk, possibly insane people from the 1960's. Since these are the photos that are sent to Vietnam, we had to book it to CVS and get them redone. I bought a compact of powder before the photos to even out my skin tone, assuming there would be a flash. I packed it on, determined to look my best for the people who would match me with my child. Of course, there wound up being no flash- natural light, so I wound up looking like a very powdered, ill, unhappy old lady. Oh well- sorry, Cupcake. We tried. Your dad even put on a fancy shirt and cologne and made sure he had fresh breath for the photo. (And after all that we were five minutes late to the passport office. "Come back Monday" the lady snapped at us. We just stood there and stared at her blankly before we stomped out. This has not been a great adoption week.)

news

There is news tonight. Apparently one agency, one in DC, has been licensed to adopt from Vietnam. Maybe, just maybe, this dream will come true.

oh shit, and that time again...

We just got a letter in the mail informing us that Immigration has received our initial paperwork. Application processing time? One year. We are desperately hoping that is a gigantic exaggeration because.. well, I'm just not waiting that long. Included in the envelope was a notice telling us that our fingerprinting appointment had been scheduled. Scheduled for yesterday morning at 7am! Needless to say, Tom is on the phone now trying to get this straightened out. (Bad news, they are not working with us- now it's time for serious "I'm not kidding you, fix this.") After he's done, I am going to call the post office and ask them WHY something sent from a city two hours away on the 19th JUST arrived today. That's total bullshit. I also received a Christmas card (also sent on the 19th- thanks Lisa!) today. The pony express would be faster. But honestly, we can't keep missing appointments like this. Too important. I'm sure the post office won't care, but I feel like calling up and yelling at someone about this. In other news, it's that time again- referrals for China families! For my non-adoption friends (and I'm SO happy you are here!!), a "referral" is when you receive all the information about your child, including photos, personality information, and medical reports. Not only do you get to "meet" your baby, you get to start planning for her arrival and for travel. I'd have to say that referral is the second most crucial time in adoption, right after "gotcha" day (or "Giving and Receiving" for those of us adopting from Vietnam.) Such beautiful babies. I always feel bad for them because they just look so startled in their photos- propped up and a quick photo taken. Off to make calls.

Want. Baby. Now.

Our home visit has been scheduled for the end of this month. We are sending out the first part of our homestudy papers today. We are making progress. Not fast enough! I love reading adoption stories and adoption blogs. I love looking at pictures of adopted kids. While it makes me feel incredibly inpatient to meet my daughter, it also reminds me why it's worth it to wait. I'm always re-reading the same stories, looking for more. I hope this absolute "can't wait!" fades a bit. It gets annoying to want something so much after a while. I have to tell you, I just DON'T know how families who are adopting from China hold on for as long as they do. I hurt just thinking about it. We were hoping to be in the new house before the homestudy, but it doesn't look like it. This condo is so jammed up. We've been anticipating the move all fall so we stopped finding places to put new things (books, CDs, movies, odds and ends...) And the dining area has been turned into my clay studio, and it's hard to keep it neat. But that's my job and I desperately needed a studio space, so the dining room was sacrificed. Hopefully we can convince our social worker to go with us to the new house so she can see that there's a huge difference in here and there. We're going from 1,000 square feet to 2,600. Four bedrooms, Tom's office, a dedicated art studio for me, a great room, a small library, and a kitchen and dining room. Big difference from a small condo with two bedrooms, and one combo dining/living/kitchen area.

the vietnam in iceland

I made the giant mistake last year of telling people we were adopting from China. That's what our original plans were. Vietnam wasn't even an option when we started this thing 18 months ago. But the adoption got delayed (we're building a house), and when we seriously started "the process" a month ago, there were two new factors: 1- China referrals were taking FOREVER and we were worried that by the time we were DTC/LID, referrals would be 14 months or more. 2- Vietnam reopened. We like Vietnam. A lot. A whole lot. Trust me- I'm not destroyed because we decided not to adopt from China. Maybe someday we will, if Cupcake wants a mei mei. I think Tom and I assume that's in the cards. Anyway, when people ask me about the adoption, I tell them we've started and now we're adopting from Vietnam. Some people are very excited, telling me what a lovely country, what lovely people. Good stuff. The other group just sort of stands there and blinks, and then says "well, what happened to China?" As if I was letting them down personally by not adopting from that country. They become quiet, somewhat concerned. Whenever I talk about Cupcake I tend to get really excited and say maybe too much, so after a while, the person I am talking to starts realizing Vietnam is near China and not in the middle of some mysterious, un-named, anarchy-ruled continent and warms up. "Oh, okay! That sounds okay." Good, glad you approve. I know there are many countries that begin with the letter "V", but come on. I stink at geography and I still knew Vietnam was in Asia. The one thing people seem to know about Vietnam is that there was a war there. Some people don't know details about the war besides a lot of people died, and so I can see them scrambling to come up with some information about the country, besides the mental image of Apacolypse Now (which wasn't even really set in Vietnam- it was set in Cambodia). They get caught up in the image of Marlon Brando going nuts and then get flustered. Yesterday we were at Barnes and Noble (how is it that a bookstore with two floors packed full of books has exactly NOTHING we were looking for, yet the little flimsy Border's down the road always has what we want and more?) and I was browsing the journals. The lady who managed the area kept asking me what I was looking for. Finally I explained that I wanted a blank journal in which to keep notes about my adoption in. The "when/where exchange" occured ("when is your baby coming and where is she coming from?") and when I mentioned Vietnam, she got this look on her face of utter confusion. "Oh" she said. *silence* Then she made some random comment about how getting a baby from Vietnam only took a few days, as if she had been through the adoption process herself. She was so DEFINITE about it that I almost wanted to agree with her. I'd love it if what she said was true. It's sort of like my health- I use a cane to get around and some people ask me, straight up, "what happened?" or "why do you need a cane?", which is great. Other people make "educated" guesses" as to my condition and launch into a detailed medical diagnosis before I can correct them and tell them what the deal really is. Nothing makes the ego glow like having people assume you have some very serious, disabling condition when you don't. It's like that with Vietnam. People are very uncomfortable with what they don't know, and I guess it's a natural reaction to pretend that they do know and start BSing a bit. I love talking about the adoption (heck, it seems to be all I *want* to talk about lately!!), I'm just tired of people pretending to know very detailed facts about Vietnam when they really don't. I love when pople ask questions, engage me in some conversation about it, no matter how short or long.. Even questions like "what are the people like there? what do the children look like? are they healthy? is drugs or alchohol or AIDS an issue?" I think it's wonderful when people ask questions like that, it means they are interested, they are curious. There are no preconceived stereotypes. But the silence, the whole scrambling for something to say that makes them seem more aware of what Vietnam is all about irritates me. Even *I* admit that I don't know much about the country, and knew a lot less when I started this. It's really okay to ask questions. Please. *Pretty* please, ask me questions, all kinds. I want to answer all of them so I get to talk about ME ME ME and my adoption. Maybe I will print up an informational pamphlet and keep some with me, and just hand one out when people start engaging me in coversation about it. Just hold up my hand, make a sympathetic expression with my face, and say "It's okay not to know anything about Vietnam." Pat them on the back, maybe give them a comforting hug. Maybe I can start a revolution of knowledge this way.

well, stop it

"Gemini: It's Day Two of a brand-new year, and the continued absence of a certain far-away loved one may be making you cranky. Well, stop it. Do what you've got to do to reestablish contact, even if it means swallowing your pride and being the first to apologize. If you're finding it tough to pick up the phone, think about this: Five years from now -- or ten, even -- will either of you remember who made the first move? Or will you both just be glad that someone did?' So, does anyone happen to have the phone number for Cupcake's orphange? Or, if she's not born yet, the family she's coming from? Because, according to my horoscope, I can just call her up and *poof*, baby will come. Okay, I'll stop being snarky for a second. I just thought that it was weird when I read my horoscope just now. Let me ask you this- does there ever come a day during the whole adoption process when you STOP thinking about it constantly? Not that I mind, but I am really scared I am creating a dream life in my head that will make reality a surprise. Plus, it kind of aches, just a little, to want something so bad. I kind of wish I could put it out of my mind while we are waiting.

into the cavernous void

I dropped my iPod into the pool today, first thing this morning. For some reason, I don't feel this is an auspicious start to the new year. I've been finding a lot of new blogs. They are mostly for Chinese adoptions, but I can relate to what they are going through. It's nice to find adoption blogs by normal people, people who can joke about how hard it is to wait, joke about this complicated, emotional, frustrating process. Good things. I feel like I'm late to the party, though. Everyone knows one another and has shared months of this together. I'm so bummed there are no specific DTV/LID groups, buddy swaps, etc. for Vietnam. No other adoptive parents to go through this with. Maybe I'll sneak into one of the China groups after we finally get our LID and hope no one notices I'm adopting from Vietnam. Kidding! Sort of. (I can see some people making a note of this potential breach of security...) Pottery Barn Kids sent me a catalogue. Sooooo dangerous. You know you're growing up when you start salivating over a crib and changing table, huh? I think I figured out the theme for Cupcake's room. I want to go buy it all now, but we aren't even in the freakin' house yet!!! Hopefully the adoption will go faster than the house. We signed the papers in March, 2004. They broke ground in December, 2005 (five months late) and still haven't finished. I want in, even though moving is going to be something else. Oh, I changed this blog to reflect the new year. I also changed the date format so it's in Vietnamese. Clever, huh?

Year of the Cupcake

Happy New Year, to anyone out there. I formally usher in the Year of the Cupcake. I hope that it's a year of granted licenses, completed homestudies and dossiers, a year of fast referrals and worry-free travel. I hope it's a year of joy, friendship, happiness, inspiration, laughter, good health, and most of all, a year of new babies coming home to waiting adoptive parents. For those who aren't adopting... well, talk to me when this is all over because right now I can't think of much else.