patience, virtuous.

BEING PATIENT SUCKS! I don't know why I'm whining- our dossier/homestudy isn't done yet but we are getting close. I just want to snap my fingers and have it done, so all we have to wait for are the licenses to come through. I thought I'd want Cupcake by Christmas 2006, but now I'm thinking Spring/Summer. So, adoption fates in the universe, there's my official request. BUT!!! I truly feel as if Cupcake is already selected for us, so I understand everything will go as it should.

dreaming

Last night, I had my very first dream of Cupcake. Light golden skin, dark hair, very chubby. For some reason my parents got her before I did and they brought her to my college graduation (don't ask... my dreams would truly rival Dali's). I don't believe that I had a chance to hold her or see her up close in the dream, and I guess that's because of this waiting we are stuck in at the moment. But she was so close. I'm not good at dreaming what I want, predicting my dreams. But I hope I get to see her again, hold her. For someone who believed she had no maternal urges at all, I am just proving myself so very very wrong. (Oh, the reason I didn't hold her in the dream is because I went to a bead store instead. In my old SAAB. I am assuming this was thrown into the dream because I am waiting for some beads I ordered to arrive in the mail and my current car needs new tires. I get really giddy about beads. Almost as giddy as I am for Cupcake, but not quite...)

waiting for you...

Christmas was "eh". I couldn't stop thinking about how it would be once Cupcake comes. I kept thinking to myself that it almost wasn't worth celebrating until she got here. The magic that I have been missing from the holidays will be restored. Every year I try and really make Christmas fun and exciting, but always end up disappointed because no one takes it to heart like I do- it's just another holiday. I kept thinking about the baby, and how I really really really hope she's here by next year, and how I hope she loves Christmas. I can't wait to get excited for her, with her. Bake cookies, decorate, strap her into the car seat and go out and look at all the lights. Fill her stocking. How will I wait until she comes? I already MISS her, each and every day. My heart misses her. How will I make it through the next few months? I ordered an adoption journal that I heard goood things about. It's called "Waiting for You". The content is excellent- all sorts of prompts and ideas, but the pages are black and white, glossy thin paper. I am trying to decorate them a bit with color, using Gelly Rolls and my art markers, but in addition to just generally making a huge mess of it all, the glossy paper makes it so every ink type smudges. I am going to finish this and hand it over with a bit of an explanation. I think I would recommend this book to start with- maybe crib the ideas and questions and make your own scrapbook, if you are so inclined. I want to start scrapbooking, but I have too many crafts (clay, stamping, beading, painting, needlepoint) and a HUGE list of ones I want to learn (glass beadmaking, mosaics, stained glass, linoleum carving and print making, knitting). But I think scrapbooking may be beneficial with a child... I'm so behind on email and everything. I promise to catch up soon.

Christmas Cupcake

I wonder if Cupcake will be here by this day next year? So many questions... Regardless, I hope her family is doing well today, and every day. I wonder if they can sense that someone is out there, thinking of them? I know that the referrals haven't been made yet. I know that Vietnam has not licensed any agencies. I know we aren't done with our dossier. But I believe in some ways that the match between child and parent has already been made in the cosmic sense. The hardest part of this process is letting go. My husband usually doesn't believe in fate or things spiritual (he's a scientist, he believes in facts...) but even he has started talking about letting go to the process and seeing where it takes us. The fact is we have no idea where we will go, what will end up happening. I mean, we started this adoption process last year, firmly rooted in China, and Vietnam opened and we felt drawn to it. There's a chance that the licenses may not come, and while that would break my heart, Cupcake could be in India or Guatamala or China. She could already be born, waiting for us. We just don't know anything for sure. It's a VERY strange feeling to open yourself up completely to something, and let it go where it may. It's sort of like letting a beautiful kite fly without a string, and hope it returns safely, not flying away or getting caught in a tree. I can't help wanting to watch my kite constantly... as if I have any control over it once I've cut that string. "Cast Your Fate to the Wind..." I just have to trust in fate and the universe and that's so hard. But it's getting a tiny bit easier. Merry Christmas to anyone who may be out there, reading this. I hope all your wishes come true today and every day.

life summary

I just finished my Life Summary for the homestudy. It ended up being 16 pages. I can't decided if I did a great job or it won't be what the social worker is looking for. Now I'm anxious to move to the next step. More hurry up and wait! It's Christmas, but we are doing it really low-key this year. I truly hope that next year we do it big, because there will be a child in the family to dazzle :) It's really hard not to think about the adoption constantly, not to want to talk about it constantly. However, the more we think about it, the more I worry about what life will be like with a child in it. There are some things I just don't want to sacrifice for a child- my work with the animal shelter, my daily shower, etc. I have talked at length with T. and my parents about these things, and they all tell me they'll pitch in when I need them to. I know I shouldn't worry, but I think it's really stupid to assume life will be perfect when a child comes.

First Letter to Cupcake

Dear Cupcake, There are days when I think there is no possible way I'm going to be able to stand the months until we meet. Then there are days when I am terrified, thinking I have absolutely no right bringing you into my life at all. Being a mom is a scary thing. Especially when you sign up for it and you have a way to get out- and have months to agonize over the choice. It's not you I am scared of, it's being good enough to deserve you, being capable enough to give you the life you deserve. The paperwork is daunting. I am starting to think of the homestudy documents as a giant personal ad- the most important personal ad EVER. Instead of sign and eye color, I am telling you my values and plans. I am trying to have fun with it, and remember that you are the one I will be matched with. It'll be love at first sight. Well, for me. You'll probably think of us as two big blobbys speaking a weird language. I apologize in advance if we freak you out in the beginning. If it makes you feel any better, I have a feeling you might freak us out a little, too. But in the very best way. Sometimes I wonder what is happening in your life now. I don't think you have been born yet. I wonder if your mom is thinking about your future, worrying if she can afford you or take care of you properly. I wish I could send her a message of hope, letting her know that I will do my best. I wonder if she's thinking about me at all, thinking about the woman who will raise her child. I think about her a lot, and her life. We will be forever linked. Will you be here by next Christmas? I hope so. I think it'll be infinitely more fun when I have someone to share my giddy-ness with. I can't wait until we can drive around the town looking at all the lights. I can't wait to spend Christmas Eve with you baking cookies for Santa. I can't wait to tell you my secrets and show you all my favorite things. I can't wait to have someone to teach how to draw and swim and read. I can't wait to see your smile, hear you laugh, see you dance, hear you sing. I can't wait to have a daughter, and a new friend. Merry Christmas, Cupcake. I hope to see you soon....

name game

I'm having thoughts about Baby's name. I need to call her something here besides "the baby". She has a name (Grace) which we picked out years ago. But now that the adoption is real, I can't seem to call her that. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid to give her a name before things are absolutely settled with Vienam, or it's because we've switched from China to Vietnam as far as location for our adoption. For some reason, I keep thinking of This Baby as "Cupcake". I don't know why. When I mentioned to Husband that Grace might not be a "Grace", he passionately told me he is attached to the name. I am, too, but I need to see if it suits her. Maybe I'll just call her Cupcake right now. I don't know. I don't think I have any readers at the moment, which is okay because I feel like I can be a little bit more honest about what's going on in my head, but if there is anyone out there, and you have children, when did you decide on a name? My father chose my name when he was a little boy. I hated it for years and years, but now I am grateful that he had such a strong connection with me for 40 years before I was born. Names can be important.

husband gets brownie points

Strange event... Remember how I wrote that I sort of envied that lady whose husband filled out all the forms? Well *MY* husband filled out a few adoption forms last night by himself. To say I am pleased would be the understatement of the year. He gets major brownie points. Above brownie points- CHEESECAKE points. (And good cheesecake, too!) I'm afraid to say too much for fear of jinxing it. Oh, and my newest baby lust item? An orbit stroller system.

xmas shopping

Last night Husband and I went to Border's for some books on Vietnam. They had nothing but a Fodor's travel book, which Husband pounced on. I went over to the "parenting" section. I read through a bunch of books on adoption and being a mom and how not to ruin your child. Whatever happened to common sense? I'm sure I'll be eating my words when the baby does arrive... Anyway, they had a bunch of "mommy journals"- the kind you fill out for your child as you are waiting for him/her. I want one. How bad is that? I never keep written journals- the only success I have had is with online journals (I've been keeping one steadily since 1997, so I think it's a bit of a habit.) I'm tempted, though, to try. If anyone bought one/can recommend one for the adoption process (meaning it has no references to ultrasounds and maternity pants, although if I keep eating like I have been I might need some...), please let me know. I kind of had a talk with husband on the way to shopping last night, stressing that we needed to stop planning and organizing all the paperwork and just fill it out. I think he got the message, but I know I hurt his feelings a bit. I hate doing that.

just do it

An adoption agency sent us a huge package of stuff and even though we aren't using them I still read their giant book of client stories. One woman wrote that they got their documents done quickly because her husband just sat down and DID them. On his own. I immediately got very very very jealous- I imagined some guy with glasses sitting at a desk in front of a roaring fireplace (yeah, I know), bent over adoption documents that are illuminated by one those lamps with the green glass shade they have in libraries in movies. The papers are stacked neatly, with those post it signature tabs perfectly marking all the additional information he needed to gather. I know this is a joke because adoption is like raising a child- stuff all over, important things in other people's hands, frantic moments mixed with periods of boredom, a general sense of disorganization. I'm the paperwork person around here. I would love it if Husband would take care of all the documents (or even SOME of them) without making it into a huge project. For the last week he worked on a freakin' computer program/calendar for the adoption but not on the documents themself. When I didn't get all excited about it, he got pouty. He always does stuff like that. He gets obsessed with a project and is very precise about picking out and organizing the materials, but then never follows through on the rest. If he sat down and filled in our names and basic information on all the documents we have to submit, instead of coding software we will most likely NEVER use, we'd be so far ahead of the game already. I know I shouldn't be grumpy, but let's DO it already, not plan to do it! I'm so scared we are going to lose focus and not get all this stuff done. Me? I've been doing our Christmas cards and gift shopping because in addition to being the paperwork person, I am also the present picker. *sigh*

too much too soon?

There's a tremendous part of me that wants to buy baby things NOW- cribs and clothes, and especially books. This list didn't help. For the holidays, I have quite a few books on Vietnam on my wishlist. Mostly I want photo books- the first thing that comes to mind when I think of Vietnam are images of the war, of foggy swamps and smoky skies. In reality, the country is beautiful- green and blue. So I want a book that I can "escape into" until we get there. One of the things that excites me the most about international adoption is the fact that our family tree will suddenly radically change- we will suddenly be part of the history of a country all the way around the world. Our family will suddenly become part Vietnamese. It makes me wonder why everyone doesn't adopt and take advantage of this amazing opportunity to be a part of something so huge. I guess I'm one of the very rare few in the adoption community who really never wanted to have a biological child. I think that may be because I have health problems and I've always known in the back of my mind pregnancy might not be an option. In addition to not being physically "wired" to bear a child, maybe I'm not emotionally wired, either. Plus, the whole breastfeeding thing kinda freaks me out. I'm not exactly sad that I am going to miss that part of being a mom. This child will be more a part of me than anything that I could create on my own. I truly believe that. It's like I've been waiting my whole life to finally find her, and get going on our adventures together.

so anyway...

This is the adoption blog. I don't plan to tell many people about it since I'm already flooding them with more than they wanted to know. I'm unclear on how to proceed. I'd love to write letters to my future daughter, but that seems SO hokey and I'm sure when things get tough, whining to an infant who probably isn't even born yet would not be terribly appealing. We were going to adopt from China, but we just can't take the wait between DTC and referral (now up to ten months or more). There's no guarantee that Vietnam will be better, but it just *feels* like it's where we need to be. Vietnam wasn't even an option when we started this process, and we were surprised when we went back to the "research" stage a few weeks ago and saw it had opened again. It immediately appealed to us. We found an agency, a homestudy person, and here we are. With any luck, she'll (the baby...) will be here by this time next year. There is one small issue starting out- none of the agencies have their licenses to adopt from Vietnam yet. They are coming, and we have infinite faith in our agency, but we are hesitant to send in our $2500 starting fee until it's here and we know for sure the program is open. So that's the first thing... Last night we had a sit down with my parents and they were surprisingly open to the process. Good. When we first started mentioning China a few years back, they were a little surprised that we weren't interested in procreating. At all. I'm tired of my genes, and my husband is tired of his, too. My mom freaked when we made the switch to Vietnam, but now I think she's excited. She just doesn't think her baby (me) is ready for a baby. But I'm 31, and the husband is 38, so... yeah. There's no such thing as regression potion YET so baby it is.